Sirius Black Decides to Die, Part 2/4
Title: Sirius Black Decides to Die
Author: Xantippa_Plum alias aras_fixation
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 25500
Summary: Sirius Black decided to commit suicide on a sunny day while sitting at Fortescues', drinking his cappuccino and greeting the crowd of friendly people passing him by.
Written for participant #018 Merlina McPants
Request: I would love a Remus/Sirius getting-together story. What I really would like to see is a "in denial" kind of situation - they're attracted to each other, but either one or the other doesn't know how to deal with it, doesn't want to, or even tries not to acknowledge it, and all the possible angst that might come out of that.
Though, with a happy ending. :)
Disclaimer: All the characters of the Harry Potter books are creations of J.K. Rowling.
WARNING: attempted suicide.
Author’s notes and credits are attached to the end of the story.
III.
The morning weighed on his arms and shoulders like a ton of bricks. Someone had filled his head and bones with lead and hung special weights on his drooping eyelids. He hadn't had enough sleep overnight and the coffee tasted horrible, leaving a stale flavour on his palate.
This was yet another morning in the ever depressing staff dormitory.
A week had gone by since Remus' mind went on autopilot, presenting the ever-polite smiles of the socially appropriate, well-behaved werewolf, while inside something had frozen in shock, cramped up so tight that there wasn't any space for pain.
"What's your assignment today?" Janush asked, buttering his toast.
"Still the laundry, I think." The disgusting taste of coffee made Remus feel at least something. The whole week he had voluntarily assigned himself to working in this dark, damp and hot room, slaving under the supervision of Chet Butch - a large fat Squib, famous for hating wizards and werewolves alike. Nobody wanted to work for Chet. It had always remained as the last option for people who failed to hand in their wished-for schedule in time, or for clueless newcomers who were thankful to get any job at all.
Remus' options these days were either choosing the laundry or taking the risk of being assigned to the ward for mental maladies. He chose the laundry.
Janush seemed to be all but fooled. "I had no idea about your masochistic streak."
"My deepest secret, you know."
"Our celebrity is going quite well."
"Hmmm…"
"Do you know him?"
"As you pointed out, he is a celebrity. Everyone knows him."
"Strangely, he doesn't get many visitors. For a celebrity, that's is."
Remus looked up from his mug. Janush was biting into his toast, his face unreadable. "CLarisa called sick," he said. "I requested your assistance for the next five days. Probably longer."
"I've been assigned somewhere else."
"Chet already found your replacement. Don't take it personally, but you are the best I can get here."
Remus swallowed a curse together with another mouthful of coffee.
"And besides, Alice seems to like you, somehow. She is honestly missing you." Janush stood up, taking his tray with him. "See you later, then."
Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then grabbed a piece of toast, forcing himself to eat in the hope that it would make him ill, like CLarisa. Unfortunately, even his stomach rebelled against his desperate plans and kept the food down.
~*~
Imagining the water to be blood oozing out of Janush's mutilated body, Remus wrung even the tiniest drop out of the rag before throwing it onto the floor.
Behind his back the patients were putting on their robes - except for Jesùs, of course - queuing behind Janush's back. Sirius stood among them, looking… quite normal. At least he accepted the breakfast from Remus' hands with just the tiniest polite nod.
Remus at least expected a 'Hi' from Sirius. Maybe it was a sign. Of something. Or nothing significant. Remus couldn't tell.
"Ok, let's go." Janush called. Remus turned and spotted Sirius looking at him, but the gaze lasted only for a moment.
"Black, you coming?" Janush boomed from the corridor. Sirius turned on his heel and left the ward.
Remus had only one hour left to get the ward as clean as possible. Finishing the floor in the corridor, he checked the rooms. Benny had wet his bed again. Nothing new. He did it at least twice a week, despite the frequent attempts to improve his toilet training. Niobè's puppets were scattered all over the floor. Remus picked them one by one and placed them all into the chair. Larisa seemed to have hung new drawings of herself on the walls, depressing pictures blotched with deep black, vivid red and violent violet. Remus shuddered, averting his face. Lockhart's room was full of piled up fanmail that he still received from his most devoted admirers. Frank and Alice's room was empty. There was a photo of their son pinned onto the wall. One of the beds always remained untouched. Reading the medical records, Remus had figured out long time ago that Alice's prescribed medication cocktail contained a contraceptive potion.
Sirius' room looked… clean. Some toiletries placed on the sink. A box with home-made biscuits stood onto the night table, just next to an old copy of Daily Prophet. Remus remembered that one. The sports pages were full of heated debates about Harry Potter playing for Australia at the nearest Quidditch World Cup. The society pages contained a short article about Remus' upcoming divorce.
Making the bed, Remus picked up a grey jumper, folding it and opened the wardrobe.
Sirius clothes hung there in a neat row of grey, black a blue fabric, masterfully tailored into perfectly fitting trousers, elegant looking waistcoats and jackets and warm robes with wide, embroidered sleeves. Handmade, expensive-looking shoes, piles of snowy white, silky shirts. Remus remembered Sirius sitting at Fortescue's. Immaculately dressed - the epitome of casual elegance of a pureblood. Jeans, t-shirts and leather jackets were definitely things of the past.
Marrying Tonks, Remus had been preoccupied with his new life, his wife and his happiness. Sirius somehow managed to slip away from his attention. Remus heard about him mostly from Andromeda, about his visits in her house for tea or dinner, about restoring Grimmauld Place. There wasn't enough time for a proper visit - so much to do, not much time for anything else. In the end Sirius and Remus just greeted each other in Diagon Alley, exchanging polite nothings - "how are you", "I'm fine, thanks", "have to go, call me".
Placing the jumper next to the shirts, Remus closed the wardrobe.
"What are you doing here?"
Remus spun around. Sirius stood on the threshold, leaning against the doorframe.
"I'm working here."
Sirius arched his eyebrow. "I was afraid you had come to visit me."
"Look… I was busy."
Sirius smirked. Remus balled his hands in fists. "Not that you wouldn't resent my presence anyway."
"Right, as if your pity would be any help."
"You arrogant… selfish ba…"
Sirius' trademark smirk remained in place.
Remus took a deep breath, restraining himself. "What are you doing here?"
"That's not your concern."
"You should be in the garden with the rest of the group."
"I said…"
"I'm in charge here. Fresh air is prescribed for everyone. I'm going to take you back." Remus grabbed Sirius by his elbow, dragging him into the corridor.
"The hell you will!"
Remus yanked him, their faces close. "You go with me or I'm going to use my wand on you."
"You can't order me. I'm not your dog."
"I don't…"
"I'M NOT YOUR DOG!"
"Gentlemen!"
Both men turned. Dr. Watson stood there, thunder in her eyes.
Remus let go from Sirius' arm, his wand still ready.
"Where is the rest of the group?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Still in the garden."
Dr. Watson turned to Sirius. "And why did you leave alone?"
"I just wanted to fetch my jumper."
"You went all alone?"
"The stair case was empty."
Dr. Watson lifted up her eyebrows. "Interesting. We can talk about it later. Remus, please tell Janush that Mr. Black is back in his room."
Remus stuffed his wand back into the pocket of his robe. "Very well," he murmured, not looking in Sirius' direction. His victorious smile was the last thing Remus wanted to see, right now.
He was almost out of the building when he realised that he hadn't asked Sirius the most important question.
Why?
~*~
"Do you know him?" Janush asked later while they were sorting the pills and potions, keeping one eye on the common room.
"Who?"
Janush nodded toward Sirius. "Our celebrity."
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "I read the papers from time to time."
Janush shot him a sceptical look.
"Ok, ok, I know him. A bit… well, more than a bit. Look… I don't want to talk about it, ok?" Grabbing the tray, Remus stalked toward the nearest table.
Larisa wore her best robe today. Turning her face toward Remus, she flashed him her most angelic smile. "I think, they aren't necessary. I feel good today."
Remus grinned back. "They are for making you feel good tomorrow, my dear. Here, take this."
She pouted. "At least I tried."
This, Remus left without any farther comment. The last time her smarmy smile managed to fool a young male orderly, the consequences were a sink full of blood and a permanent suicide watch for a whole month.
Larisa handed Remus back her cup. "Now, if you excuse me, I have an appointment." Standing up she headed toward Sirius' table with all the grace of a slightly pissed-off queen.
Remus followed closely on her heels.
"Hi," Larisa dropped herself onto the only free chair.
Sirius looked up from the sketch he was been drawing for Alice and smiled back. "Hi."
Larisa nodded toward Remus. "Don't mind him. He might stuff these pills down your throat but one gets used to it after a while, if you know what I mean."
"Oh yes, I know."
Remus pressed his lips hard together. Larisa smiled sweetly at him. Next to her, Alice unwrapped a chocolate frog, ready to bite into it. Remus grabbed her wrist. "Medication first," he said resolutely, placing the pills in front of her, ignoring her scowl.
He grabbed another bowl. "Sirius, those are yours."
Sirius eyed his medication suspiciously. "Those are not the same as the ones I got yesterday."
"New prescription from Dr. Watson. I will look into your folder if you want, but Alice has to take hers first. Frank, you too."
Frank looked at Remus like a big petulant child.
"You can eat the chocolate frog *after* you drink your potion."
Bribing them with the promise of a sweet always worked. Swallowing his potion, Frank made a face, slamming the goblet against the desk. A drop of saliva run down his chin. Sighing, Remus wiped it off with his handkerchief.
Meanwhile Alive managed to swallow her pills. "Good girl," Remus beamed at her. Alice grinned back, one chocolate leg hanging out of her mouth.
"Sirius, now you…"
Sirius looked up from his sketch. "I took them. There!" He pushed the empty bowl across the table and turned back to his picture - butterflies and small birds, flying among the flowers. Frank, Alice and Larisa kept watching each movement of Sirius' pencil in rapture.
Feeling a bit left out, Remus returned to the office, putting the tray down onto the sink with a bit more noise than he intended.
Janush returned as well. "I have to escort Larisa to Dr. Watson in five minutes. You think you can handle the common room alone?"
"Sure."
"Well then. Jesùs got new combination of potions. It's supposed to last a bit longer - he'll still get dressed, but he might not shed his clothes again before diner. Dr. Watson is testing how he is going to react to it. The cocktail is not as strong as the previous one. If Jesùs starts to undress, just give him this." Janush nodded at a green phial with potion.
"Understood."
"Are you sure…"
"I *am*!"
"All right, all right. Only… if Black is going to play piano, just let him, ok?"
Remus' nodded while his heart sank. Sirius and piano…
Janush patted him friendly on his forearm. "I don't think he's so bad. For a celebrity, that is."
No, Remus thought in despair, Sirius was bloody brilliant. Like he was at everything. And that recognition had been always a bit frightening.
~*~
Keeping a watchful eye over the common room had been always a rather strenuous task. It required full attention, wand at the ready, in case a patient might create havoc, with the rest of the group joining the fun.
Jesús was still quiet John Smith, albeit studying the bible very closely. From time to time he read a verse aloud to Gilderoy, who politely pretended to give his attention. Gilderoy himself was scribbling something, anything, enraptured with the movements of his peacock quill.
Alice and Frank were sharing a lollipop, giggling every time it changed its colour. Niobè watched them, her gaze empty.
Benny was assisting Sirius who was building him a castle out of the many colourful cubes. Benny was handing him the cubes with his large meaty hands, the rapturous expression of a five-year-old in his face, his eyes shining with joy. Brown cubes were used for the walls. Then red ones for the roofs of the turrets. Blue cubes filled out the hollows, turning them into the windows, the grey were plastered onto the bottom to make the yard. A lake was build around the castle, small trees next to it were the forest. Various small figures of magical creatures were placed in green grass, to run around freely. Dragons and centaurs, unicorns, thestrals, small crups and beautiful shiny phoenixes. With a bark of delighted laugh, Benny found the giant squid and put it into the lake. Immediately the squid dove under the surface, only the tips of his tentacles re-surfacing from time to time. Benny clapped his hands in delight.
Remus couldn't help staring - the castle looked like Hogwarts.
Finished, Sirius stood up, eyeing his work. A group of centaurs was attacking his left shoe with their spears. Sirius took a step back, leaving their territory. Next to him Ben took a group of wizards out of the box, placing them one by one into the castle's yard. Two adults and a handful of children in black robes.
It was Hogwarts, definitely. Remus shook his head.
Approaching Sirius, Alice took his hand and pointed toward the piano.
Here we go, Remus thought, watching Sirius lift up the lid, revealing the white and black keyboard. Sitting down, his body went still for a short moment of concentration before he reached out his arms and hit the keys.
The music hit Remus like a blow.
He couldn't tell if Sirius was actually good - Remus himself was no expert. He liked to listen to music. There were always some LPs in his bag, mostly jazz. He liked the confusing, out of order melodies. Illogical in the beginning, yet still obeying the rhythm of drums in the background.
Remus liked music. Most wizards did. Yet there were few, very few who actually could play an instrument. They were mostly content with charms applied to every instrument to perform whichever song has been required. There were the Wyrd Sisters or Celestina Warbeck, famous and admired, but still looked at with suspicion. Playing music yourself was something Muggles would do. Wizards should use musical charms.
These charms were easy to make; just a swish and flick of the wand and a silent wish for the favourite song. There was no special talent needed, nor dull hours of the endless practicing required to maintain a decent melody without tangling fingers or turning blue from lack of air.
Unless one would be born Sirius Bloody Black who seemed to be brilliant at everything. Except for managing his own life.
When Janush returned from leaving Larisa in Dr. Watson's office, Remus jumped out of his chair in relief. "Er… I'm going to check with the kitchen about our lunch."
Janush looked at him in irritation. Actually, he had looked irritated the whole morning. "Whatever… was everything all right here?"
"Yes, yes… everything is all right." Remus turned to go.
Janush pointed his thumb in Sirius' direction. "He is playing nicely, isn't he?"
Remus murmured something under his breath and fled, ignoring the group of Medi- wizards, nurses and patients besieging the ward's door, listening in rapture.
Just great!
Remus started to run but the music followed him the whole way down.
It wasn't that Remus might be jealous at Sirius having yet another talent. Frankly, sharing with him a dormitory at Hogwarts for the whole seven years, and, later on, a single bedroom house Remus had got used to this phenomenon. During this time he witnessed Sirius' talent at apparently learning new charms in his sleep. At his unique ability to read a book in record time, being able to recount what happened on which page. Sirius did his homework - if ever - at the last minute, between two bites of his breakfast kippers. Sirius was able to brew a potion which made Slughorn weep with joy, even while simultaneously dividing his attention between sending rude notes to the Slytherins and discussing in earnest James' Plan No. 357 to win Evans' heart.
Sirius beat Remus repeatedly at chess and was especially annoying when he corrected Remus' errors in Runes; even when Sirius didn't take the lessons. ("Runes, Moony? How boring!") Even more annoying was the fact that Sirius' suggestions proved to be the correct ones. Sirius performed Arithmancy in his head. Only while taking his N.E.W.T he started using the textbooks for the first time.
Sirius' notebooks were full of sketches, instead of notes about the current subject regardless whether it was History of Magic or Transfiguration. And Transfiguration - Remus really didn't want to go THERE.
No, Remus didn't develop any jealousy of Sirius' talents. The simple reason for it was the fact that regardless what Sirius started, he got bored in record time. With his otherwise brilliant mind he learned at speed without developing any passion for the subject. Most things he noticed only to wave them off as being uninteresting. Some of them briefly caught his attention, his mind always hungry for some entertainment. He played with something for a while, then tossed it away forever. Next toy, please!
The only projects which really caught Sirius' attention were the performing of Animagus spell and the creation of the Map. Even Quidditch Sirius played mainly because James loved it, and besides, Evans couldn't talk about anything else.
When Remus and Sirius started dating - an awkward, secret, hush-hush affair behind the greenhouses and on the roof of the Astronomy Tower - Remus was mentally prepared for being dumped one week later. Or two, for the sex was good.
He had no idea that this supposedly short-lived affair would last for years.
Once James, already happily drunk at his stag party, remarked that Remus' arse was Sirius' one and only long-term project. This proclamation send the rest of the equally drunk party to the floor with laughter and turned Remus' face and ears red.
Truth to be told, Remus actually had to share Sirius' attention with that bloody motorbike. An old and rusty thing which Sirius has been dissembling in the shed behind their house, swearing to Remus that one day the thing was going to fly. Remus remembered his honest doubts, despite his knowledge that there wasn't actually anything Sirius couldn't manage.
Sirius possessed many talents which, over time, had prevented him dying from boredom. Even when Remus could swear to the whole world that he knew all Sirius' talents, that he could call himself the expert on the phenomenon named Sirius Black; still for the whole 25 years of their friendship, love, relationship, rotting in Azkaban and sulking at 12 Grimmauld Place, Remus had had no idea about Sirius' passion for music.
Music wasn't taught in Hogwarts. Musical charms were, which Sirius declared as mundane and laughed hard over McGonagall's hedgehogs transfigured into singing teacups. Yule Balls Sirius spent with James, both of them sitting at the bar, drinking butter beer and eyeing the girls, Evans especially. And as for singing, Sirius just didn't sing unless he was drunk. Period. And no-one, not even Dumbledore, would ever change Sirius' mind once it was made up.
Therefore Remus' conviction that Sirius and music just didn't mix was nothing more than a logical conclusion, based on observations over the long years. Even at 12 Grimmauld Place, when Remus had barely managed to rescue Ron from the Blacks' cursed piano, he would swear he hadn't had the foggiest idea.
The discovery, which occurred unexpectedly during a cold November evening surprised Remus as much as the rest of the Order.
Remus remembered returning to the place he was calling home, hungry, frozen to bones and tired beyond any sleep. Dealing with Greyback's pack was proving to be more difficult than Remus expected.
In the entrance hall he was greeted by Molly, who didn't even leave him a moment to take off his dirty coat.
"I'm worried about Sirius," she whispered in Remus ear, trying not to wake Walburga's portrait.
Remus nodded. "Let's go to the kitchen." A nice cuppa would at least prepare Remus to deal with Sirius in yet another difficult mood.
"No, the music room."
"What?"
"The music room. Sirius shut himself in and no-one can open the door."
Remus frowned. Usually, Sirius' sulking took place in the bedroom or upstairs in the company of Buckbeak, with the door remaining shut but not locked.
"I just made dinner and send Bill to fetch him. I know he has been alone here for two weeks. But people were on their assignments and I was otherwise occupied ."
Remus grunted. Sirius hated being alone, this was a well known fact.
They reached the door to the music room, meeting there a cranky Bill, who was shuffling his feet impatiently. "Mum! I don't see why I shouldn't just break in."
"No need to be so impolite, my dear. I'm sure Remus here could talk to Sirius reasonably. Why waste a good door, don’t you agree, Remus?"
Feeling slightly like an idiot, not to mention hungry and tired and getting slowly angrier, Remus knocked on the door. "Sirius!"
Bill snorted. "No help, man! I kept banging the whole time."
Remus leaned himself against the dark, carved wood. "Sirius!"
Nothing. Remus turned toward Bill. "How long has he been there?"
"Mum says since morning."
Next to him Molly nodded vigorously. "I just saw him ducking in there, telling me not bother him with lunch."
These words alarmed Remus a bit. Sirius, especially the post-Azkaban Sirius, never said no to food.
"Bill, break the door."
"But Remus!"
"Finally some sensible words! Mum, please, step aside."
"But the door!"
"Sod the door!"
"Bill Weasley!"
Agreeing with the young man, Remus grabbed Molly by the sleeve of her cardigan, pulling her aside. Bill took out his wand. "Mum believe me, there is nothing a decent Alohomora can't do."
Bill pointed the tip of his wand at the door knob, muttering something Remus didn't understand. Then a loud explosion, a puff of grey smoke and the door opened with a soft creak.
"That wasn't Alohomora."
Bill grinned. "Correct. It wasn‘t" He opened the door wider.
The music room was silent. Burning candles hovered in the air, the wax dropping onto the old carpet and the billion loose papers spread all over the floor, the furniture and the big, black, piano dominating the room. At the very core of this chaos sat Sirius, the fingers of his hands moving silently over the keyboard, his eyes closed, his body moving to the rhythm of his playing.
The keys were moving, but Remus didn't hear anything. Puzzled, he looked away from this strange pantomime.
"Silencing charms." Bill explained. "That's why we didn't hear anything. Finite Incantatem!"
And all of a sudden Remus ears were assaulted by music. Overwhelming music, getting under his skin, deep into his bones, warming him up and freezing him with awe all at once.
"I never had any idea, Sirius could play," Molly whispered in Remus' ear.
Remus didn't answer. Neither had he but he didn't want to tell Molly that.
Approaching Sirius, Remus put his hand on his shoulder. "Sirius…"
Sirius jumped up from the stool, the melody broken. "What the…! Remus? What are you doing here?"
"Molly asked me to ask you if you would bother with dinner, tonight."
Still wearing the irritated gaze of a person being thrown out of a trance-like, Sirius peered at Molly from behind Remus.
"Oh Sirius!" Molly sounded deeply moved. "I had no idea you could play so nicely! Would you like something to eat?"
"No, thank you. I'm not hungry."
Again, Remus frowned at this unusual statement. "Er… you sure?"
"Yes, I am."
"Would you join us later then?"
"Perhaps."
Remus knew he could persuade Sirius into a different answer, for the sake of Molly's fretfulness and in the honour of her divine cooking skills. This evening, however, he was too tired and hungry to try convincing a grown-up man.
"Very well," Remus said. "Come on, Molly. Bill."
They were already in the corridor when the door to the music room shut again.
"He will get bored soon," Remus assured Molly when, later on, he was sitting in the kitchen, holding up his plate to get his third helping of stew. "Sirius had many hobbies in the past but none of them kept his interest for too long."
Bill broke his bread. "Wasn't the piano supposed to be cursed?"
"Now that you remind me of it, yes it was. A nasty curse which I didn't manage to break at the time. I planned to get to it later but, you know, the Order's work kept me occupied."
Molly blew her nose. "Remus, just tell Sirius I put some of the stew aside for him."
The rest of the dinner was a subdued affair. Bill was interested only in his food and Molly's mouth was very thin in annoyance.
If Sirius ever discovered the food, Remus couldn't tell. Remus fell asleep immediately after his head hit the pillow, and he couldn't even tell when Sirius joined him in their bed. The next morning Remus woke up alone. The pillow next to his own bore a hollow but the mattress and the rumpled sheet were already cold.
Sirius closed himself in the music room again.
~*~
"He would lose interest soon," was what Remus told Molly and Bill. He never imagined he would be proven wrong.
Since this evening that old, spooky house became filled with music. It penetrated the damp walls with its gentle force. It reached even the darkest corner of the attics. It make Kreacher disappear for days, it brought the ever-whispering portraits to silence and made Walburga to draw the curtains shut over her own frame.
Remus himself balled his hands in fists and silent anger. No, he wasn't jealous, really! Not envious, either - this never even crossed his mind. He felt just irritated about this strange person who had appeared all of a sudden, turning inside-out Remus' expertise in Sirius Black's irrational logic and intriguing complexity.
Sirius didn't take any notice of the changes around him. Remus and he barely spoke to each other, each of them preoccupied in his own way. They still had sex at night. They still kept meeting in the hallways and in the kitchen, when Sirius remembered at least to grab himself a scone.
During one of these visits Dumbledore put down his cup with tea, smiling at Sirius over the rim of his glasses. "Sirius, Molly told me you have been playing the piano."
Sirius paused, the scone in his hand. "It's true."
"How about you perform for the Order?"
"No, I wouldn't."
Grabbing another scone, Sirius left the kitchen before even Dumbledore managed to ask why.
If he later tried to persuade Sirius, Remus never knew. Yet once Sirius made up his mind…
Remus wished things had gone differently in the end. Perhaps in less difficult times there might be less complicated solutions. There might be more time spend together. More talk, more understanding, more of everything.
After Sirius fell through the Veil, he left a room full of notes, a very lonely piano and a hole in Remus' heart. The yearning to fill it, to move on toward a less complicated life was too overwhelming. And when Tonks literally threw herself into his arms, it seemed to be the simplest solution of all to hold onto her.
Part 3
Author: Xantippa_Plum alias aras_fixation
Fandom: HP
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Rating: NC-17
Wordcount: 25500
Summary: Sirius Black decided to commit suicide on a sunny day while sitting at Fortescues', drinking his cappuccino and greeting the crowd of friendly people passing him by.
Written for participant #018 Merlina McPants
Request: I would love a Remus/Sirius getting-together story. What I really would like to see is a "in denial" kind of situation - they're attracted to each other, but either one or the other doesn't know how to deal with it, doesn't want to, or even tries not to acknowledge it, and all the possible angst that might come out of that.
Though, with a happy ending. :)
Disclaimer: All the characters of the Harry Potter books are creations of J.K. Rowling.
WARNING: attempted suicide.
Author’s notes and credits are attached to the end of the story.
III.
The morning weighed on his arms and shoulders like a ton of bricks. Someone had filled his head and bones with lead and hung special weights on his drooping eyelids. He hadn't had enough sleep overnight and the coffee tasted horrible, leaving a stale flavour on his palate.
This was yet another morning in the ever depressing staff dormitory.
A week had gone by since Remus' mind went on autopilot, presenting the ever-polite smiles of the socially appropriate, well-behaved werewolf, while inside something had frozen in shock, cramped up so tight that there wasn't any space for pain.
"What's your assignment today?" Janush asked, buttering his toast.
"Still the laundry, I think." The disgusting taste of coffee made Remus feel at least something. The whole week he had voluntarily assigned himself to working in this dark, damp and hot room, slaving under the supervision of Chet Butch - a large fat Squib, famous for hating wizards and werewolves alike. Nobody wanted to work for Chet. It had always remained as the last option for people who failed to hand in their wished-for schedule in time, or for clueless newcomers who were thankful to get any job at all.
Remus' options these days were either choosing the laundry or taking the risk of being assigned to the ward for mental maladies. He chose the laundry.
Janush seemed to be all but fooled. "I had no idea about your masochistic streak."
"My deepest secret, you know."
"Our celebrity is going quite well."
"Hmmm…"
"Do you know him?"
"As you pointed out, he is a celebrity. Everyone knows him."
"Strangely, he doesn't get many visitors. For a celebrity, that's is."
Remus looked up from his mug. Janush was biting into his toast, his face unreadable. "CLarisa called sick," he said. "I requested your assistance for the next five days. Probably longer."
"I've been assigned somewhere else."
"Chet already found your replacement. Don't take it personally, but you are the best I can get here."
Remus swallowed a curse together with another mouthful of coffee.
"And besides, Alice seems to like you, somehow. She is honestly missing you." Janush stood up, taking his tray with him. "See you later, then."
Remus closed his eyes for a moment, then grabbed a piece of toast, forcing himself to eat in the hope that it would make him ill, like CLarisa. Unfortunately, even his stomach rebelled against his desperate plans and kept the food down.
~*~
Imagining the water to be blood oozing out of Janush's mutilated body, Remus wrung even the tiniest drop out of the rag before throwing it onto the floor.
Behind his back the patients were putting on their robes - except for Jesùs, of course - queuing behind Janush's back. Sirius stood among them, looking… quite normal. At least he accepted the breakfast from Remus' hands with just the tiniest polite nod.
Remus at least expected a 'Hi' from Sirius. Maybe it was a sign. Of something. Or nothing significant. Remus couldn't tell.
"Ok, let's go." Janush called. Remus turned and spotted Sirius looking at him, but the gaze lasted only for a moment.
"Black, you coming?" Janush boomed from the corridor. Sirius turned on his heel and left the ward.
Remus had only one hour left to get the ward as clean as possible. Finishing the floor in the corridor, he checked the rooms. Benny had wet his bed again. Nothing new. He did it at least twice a week, despite the frequent attempts to improve his toilet training. Niobè's puppets were scattered all over the floor. Remus picked them one by one and placed them all into the chair. Larisa seemed to have hung new drawings of herself on the walls, depressing pictures blotched with deep black, vivid red and violent violet. Remus shuddered, averting his face. Lockhart's room was full of piled up fanmail that he still received from his most devoted admirers. Frank and Alice's room was empty. There was a photo of their son pinned onto the wall. One of the beds always remained untouched. Reading the medical records, Remus had figured out long time ago that Alice's prescribed medication cocktail contained a contraceptive potion.
Sirius' room looked… clean. Some toiletries placed on the sink. A box with home-made biscuits stood onto the night table, just next to an old copy of Daily Prophet. Remus remembered that one. The sports pages were full of heated debates about Harry Potter playing for Australia at the nearest Quidditch World Cup. The society pages contained a short article about Remus' upcoming divorce.
Making the bed, Remus picked up a grey jumper, folding it and opened the wardrobe.
Sirius clothes hung there in a neat row of grey, black a blue fabric, masterfully tailored into perfectly fitting trousers, elegant looking waistcoats and jackets and warm robes with wide, embroidered sleeves. Handmade, expensive-looking shoes, piles of snowy white, silky shirts. Remus remembered Sirius sitting at Fortescue's. Immaculately dressed - the epitome of casual elegance of a pureblood. Jeans, t-shirts and leather jackets were definitely things of the past.
Marrying Tonks, Remus had been preoccupied with his new life, his wife and his happiness. Sirius somehow managed to slip away from his attention. Remus heard about him mostly from Andromeda, about his visits in her house for tea or dinner, about restoring Grimmauld Place. There wasn't enough time for a proper visit - so much to do, not much time for anything else. In the end Sirius and Remus just greeted each other in Diagon Alley, exchanging polite nothings - "how are you", "I'm fine, thanks", "have to go, call me".
Placing the jumper next to the shirts, Remus closed the wardrobe.
"What are you doing here?"
Remus spun around. Sirius stood on the threshold, leaning against the doorframe.
"I'm working here."
Sirius arched his eyebrow. "I was afraid you had come to visit me."
"Look… I was busy."
Sirius smirked. Remus balled his hands in fists. "Not that you wouldn't resent my presence anyway."
"Right, as if your pity would be any help."
"You arrogant… selfish ba…"
Sirius' trademark smirk remained in place.
Remus took a deep breath, restraining himself. "What are you doing here?"
"That's not your concern."
"You should be in the garden with the rest of the group."
"I said…"
"I'm in charge here. Fresh air is prescribed for everyone. I'm going to take you back." Remus grabbed Sirius by his elbow, dragging him into the corridor.
"The hell you will!"
Remus yanked him, their faces close. "You go with me or I'm going to use my wand on you."
"You can't order me. I'm not your dog."
"I don't…"
"I'M NOT YOUR DOG!"
"Gentlemen!"
Both men turned. Dr. Watson stood there, thunder in her eyes.
Remus let go from Sirius' arm, his wand still ready.
"Where is the rest of the group?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Still in the garden."
Dr. Watson turned to Sirius. "And why did you leave alone?"
"I just wanted to fetch my jumper."
"You went all alone?"
"The stair case was empty."
Dr. Watson lifted up her eyebrows. "Interesting. We can talk about it later. Remus, please tell Janush that Mr. Black is back in his room."
Remus stuffed his wand back into the pocket of his robe. "Very well," he murmured, not looking in Sirius' direction. His victorious smile was the last thing Remus wanted to see, right now.
He was almost out of the building when he realised that he hadn't asked Sirius the most important question.
Why?
~*~
"Do you know him?" Janush asked later while they were sorting the pills and potions, keeping one eye on the common room.
"Who?"
Janush nodded toward Sirius. "Our celebrity."
Remus shrugged his shoulders. "I read the papers from time to time."
Janush shot him a sceptical look.
"Ok, ok, I know him. A bit… well, more than a bit. Look… I don't want to talk about it, ok?" Grabbing the tray, Remus stalked toward the nearest table.
Larisa wore her best robe today. Turning her face toward Remus, she flashed him her most angelic smile. "I think, they aren't necessary. I feel good today."
Remus grinned back. "They are for making you feel good tomorrow, my dear. Here, take this."
She pouted. "At least I tried."
This, Remus left without any farther comment. The last time her smarmy smile managed to fool a young male orderly, the consequences were a sink full of blood and a permanent suicide watch for a whole month.
Larisa handed Remus back her cup. "Now, if you excuse me, I have an appointment." Standing up she headed toward Sirius' table with all the grace of a slightly pissed-off queen.
Remus followed closely on her heels.
"Hi," Larisa dropped herself onto the only free chair.
Sirius looked up from the sketch he was been drawing for Alice and smiled back. "Hi."
Larisa nodded toward Remus. "Don't mind him. He might stuff these pills down your throat but one gets used to it after a while, if you know what I mean."
"Oh yes, I know."
Remus pressed his lips hard together. Larisa smiled sweetly at him. Next to her, Alice unwrapped a chocolate frog, ready to bite into it. Remus grabbed her wrist. "Medication first," he said resolutely, placing the pills in front of her, ignoring her scowl.
He grabbed another bowl. "Sirius, those are yours."
Sirius eyed his medication suspiciously. "Those are not the same as the ones I got yesterday."
"New prescription from Dr. Watson. I will look into your folder if you want, but Alice has to take hers first. Frank, you too."
Frank looked at Remus like a big petulant child.
"You can eat the chocolate frog *after* you drink your potion."
Bribing them with the promise of a sweet always worked. Swallowing his potion, Frank made a face, slamming the goblet against the desk. A drop of saliva run down his chin. Sighing, Remus wiped it off with his handkerchief.
Meanwhile Alive managed to swallow her pills. "Good girl," Remus beamed at her. Alice grinned back, one chocolate leg hanging out of her mouth.
"Sirius, now you…"
Sirius looked up from his sketch. "I took them. There!" He pushed the empty bowl across the table and turned back to his picture - butterflies and small birds, flying among the flowers. Frank, Alice and Larisa kept watching each movement of Sirius' pencil in rapture.
Feeling a bit left out, Remus returned to the office, putting the tray down onto the sink with a bit more noise than he intended.
Janush returned as well. "I have to escort Larisa to Dr. Watson in five minutes. You think you can handle the common room alone?"
"Sure."
"Well then. Jesùs got new combination of potions. It's supposed to last a bit longer - he'll still get dressed, but he might not shed his clothes again before diner. Dr. Watson is testing how he is going to react to it. The cocktail is not as strong as the previous one. If Jesùs starts to undress, just give him this." Janush nodded at a green phial with potion.
"Understood."
"Are you sure…"
"I *am*!"
"All right, all right. Only… if Black is going to play piano, just let him, ok?"
Remus' nodded while his heart sank. Sirius and piano…
Janush patted him friendly on his forearm. "I don't think he's so bad. For a celebrity, that is."
No, Remus thought in despair, Sirius was bloody brilliant. Like he was at everything. And that recognition had been always a bit frightening.
~*~
Keeping a watchful eye over the common room had been always a rather strenuous task. It required full attention, wand at the ready, in case a patient might create havoc, with the rest of the group joining the fun.
Jesús was still quiet John Smith, albeit studying the bible very closely. From time to time he read a verse aloud to Gilderoy, who politely pretended to give his attention. Gilderoy himself was scribbling something, anything, enraptured with the movements of his peacock quill.
Alice and Frank were sharing a lollipop, giggling every time it changed its colour. Niobè watched them, her gaze empty.
Benny was assisting Sirius who was building him a castle out of the many colourful cubes. Benny was handing him the cubes with his large meaty hands, the rapturous expression of a five-year-old in his face, his eyes shining with joy. Brown cubes were used for the walls. Then red ones for the roofs of the turrets. Blue cubes filled out the hollows, turning them into the windows, the grey were plastered onto the bottom to make the yard. A lake was build around the castle, small trees next to it were the forest. Various small figures of magical creatures were placed in green grass, to run around freely. Dragons and centaurs, unicorns, thestrals, small crups and beautiful shiny phoenixes. With a bark of delighted laugh, Benny found the giant squid and put it into the lake. Immediately the squid dove under the surface, only the tips of his tentacles re-surfacing from time to time. Benny clapped his hands in delight.
Remus couldn't help staring - the castle looked like Hogwarts.
Finished, Sirius stood up, eyeing his work. A group of centaurs was attacking his left shoe with their spears. Sirius took a step back, leaving their territory. Next to him Ben took a group of wizards out of the box, placing them one by one into the castle's yard. Two adults and a handful of children in black robes.
It was Hogwarts, definitely. Remus shook his head.
Approaching Sirius, Alice took his hand and pointed toward the piano.
Here we go, Remus thought, watching Sirius lift up the lid, revealing the white and black keyboard. Sitting down, his body went still for a short moment of concentration before he reached out his arms and hit the keys.
The music hit Remus like a blow.
He couldn't tell if Sirius was actually good - Remus himself was no expert. He liked to listen to music. There were always some LPs in his bag, mostly jazz. He liked the confusing, out of order melodies. Illogical in the beginning, yet still obeying the rhythm of drums in the background.
Remus liked music. Most wizards did. Yet there were few, very few who actually could play an instrument. They were mostly content with charms applied to every instrument to perform whichever song has been required. There were the Wyrd Sisters or Celestina Warbeck, famous and admired, but still looked at with suspicion. Playing music yourself was something Muggles would do. Wizards should use musical charms.
These charms were easy to make; just a swish and flick of the wand and a silent wish for the favourite song. There was no special talent needed, nor dull hours of the endless practicing required to maintain a decent melody without tangling fingers or turning blue from lack of air.
Unless one would be born Sirius Bloody Black who seemed to be brilliant at everything. Except for managing his own life.
When Janush returned from leaving Larisa in Dr. Watson's office, Remus jumped out of his chair in relief. "Er… I'm going to check with the kitchen about our lunch."
Janush looked at him in irritation. Actually, he had looked irritated the whole morning. "Whatever… was everything all right here?"
"Yes, yes… everything is all right." Remus turned to go.
Janush pointed his thumb in Sirius' direction. "He is playing nicely, isn't he?"
Remus murmured something under his breath and fled, ignoring the group of Medi- wizards, nurses and patients besieging the ward's door, listening in rapture.
Just great!
Remus started to run but the music followed him the whole way down.
It wasn't that Remus might be jealous at Sirius having yet another talent. Frankly, sharing with him a dormitory at Hogwarts for the whole seven years, and, later on, a single bedroom house Remus had got used to this phenomenon. During this time he witnessed Sirius' talent at apparently learning new charms in his sleep. At his unique ability to read a book in record time, being able to recount what happened on which page. Sirius did his homework - if ever - at the last minute, between two bites of his breakfast kippers. Sirius was able to brew a potion which made Slughorn weep with joy, even while simultaneously dividing his attention between sending rude notes to the Slytherins and discussing in earnest James' Plan No. 357 to win Evans' heart.
Sirius beat Remus repeatedly at chess and was especially annoying when he corrected Remus' errors in Runes; even when Sirius didn't take the lessons. ("Runes, Moony? How boring!") Even more annoying was the fact that Sirius' suggestions proved to be the correct ones. Sirius performed Arithmancy in his head. Only while taking his N.E.W.T he started using the textbooks for the first time.
Sirius' notebooks were full of sketches, instead of notes about the current subject regardless whether it was History of Magic or Transfiguration. And Transfiguration - Remus really didn't want to go THERE.
No, Remus didn't develop any jealousy of Sirius' talents. The simple reason for it was the fact that regardless what Sirius started, he got bored in record time. With his otherwise brilliant mind he learned at speed without developing any passion for the subject. Most things he noticed only to wave them off as being uninteresting. Some of them briefly caught his attention, his mind always hungry for some entertainment. He played with something for a while, then tossed it away forever. Next toy, please!
The only projects which really caught Sirius' attention were the performing of Animagus spell and the creation of the Map. Even Quidditch Sirius played mainly because James loved it, and besides, Evans couldn't talk about anything else.
When Remus and Sirius started dating - an awkward, secret, hush-hush affair behind the greenhouses and on the roof of the Astronomy Tower - Remus was mentally prepared for being dumped one week later. Or two, for the sex was good.
He had no idea that this supposedly short-lived affair would last for years.
Once James, already happily drunk at his stag party, remarked that Remus' arse was Sirius' one and only long-term project. This proclamation send the rest of the equally drunk party to the floor with laughter and turned Remus' face and ears red.
Truth to be told, Remus actually had to share Sirius' attention with that bloody motorbike. An old and rusty thing which Sirius has been dissembling in the shed behind their house, swearing to Remus that one day the thing was going to fly. Remus remembered his honest doubts, despite his knowledge that there wasn't actually anything Sirius couldn't manage.
Sirius possessed many talents which, over time, had prevented him dying from boredom. Even when Remus could swear to the whole world that he knew all Sirius' talents, that he could call himself the expert on the phenomenon named Sirius Black; still for the whole 25 years of their friendship, love, relationship, rotting in Azkaban and sulking at 12 Grimmauld Place, Remus had had no idea about Sirius' passion for music.
Music wasn't taught in Hogwarts. Musical charms were, which Sirius declared as mundane and laughed hard over McGonagall's hedgehogs transfigured into singing teacups. Yule Balls Sirius spent with James, both of them sitting at the bar, drinking butter beer and eyeing the girls, Evans especially. And as for singing, Sirius just didn't sing unless he was drunk. Period. And no-one, not even Dumbledore, would ever change Sirius' mind once it was made up.
Therefore Remus' conviction that Sirius and music just didn't mix was nothing more than a logical conclusion, based on observations over the long years. Even at 12 Grimmauld Place, when Remus had barely managed to rescue Ron from the Blacks' cursed piano, he would swear he hadn't had the foggiest idea.
The discovery, which occurred unexpectedly during a cold November evening surprised Remus as much as the rest of the Order.
Remus remembered returning to the place he was calling home, hungry, frozen to bones and tired beyond any sleep. Dealing with Greyback's pack was proving to be more difficult than Remus expected.
In the entrance hall he was greeted by Molly, who didn't even leave him a moment to take off his dirty coat.
"I'm worried about Sirius," she whispered in Remus ear, trying not to wake Walburga's portrait.
Remus nodded. "Let's go to the kitchen." A nice cuppa would at least prepare Remus to deal with Sirius in yet another difficult mood.
"No, the music room."
"What?"
"The music room. Sirius shut himself in and no-one can open the door."
Remus frowned. Usually, Sirius' sulking took place in the bedroom or upstairs in the company of Buckbeak, with the door remaining shut but not locked.
"I just made dinner and send Bill to fetch him. I know he has been alone here for two weeks. But people were on their assignments and I was otherwise occupied ."
Remus grunted. Sirius hated being alone, this was a well known fact.
They reached the door to the music room, meeting there a cranky Bill, who was shuffling his feet impatiently. "Mum! I don't see why I shouldn't just break in."
"No need to be so impolite, my dear. I'm sure Remus here could talk to Sirius reasonably. Why waste a good door, don’t you agree, Remus?"
Feeling slightly like an idiot, not to mention hungry and tired and getting slowly angrier, Remus knocked on the door. "Sirius!"
Bill snorted. "No help, man! I kept banging the whole time."
Remus leaned himself against the dark, carved wood. "Sirius!"
Nothing. Remus turned toward Bill. "How long has he been there?"
"Mum says since morning."
Next to him Molly nodded vigorously. "I just saw him ducking in there, telling me not bother him with lunch."
These words alarmed Remus a bit. Sirius, especially the post-Azkaban Sirius, never said no to food.
"Bill, break the door."
"But Remus!"
"Finally some sensible words! Mum, please, step aside."
"But the door!"
"Sod the door!"
"Bill Weasley!"
Agreeing with the young man, Remus grabbed Molly by the sleeve of her cardigan, pulling her aside. Bill took out his wand. "Mum believe me, there is nothing a decent Alohomora can't do."
Bill pointed the tip of his wand at the door knob, muttering something Remus didn't understand. Then a loud explosion, a puff of grey smoke and the door opened with a soft creak.
"That wasn't Alohomora."
Bill grinned. "Correct. It wasn‘t" He opened the door wider.
The music room was silent. Burning candles hovered in the air, the wax dropping onto the old carpet and the billion loose papers spread all over the floor, the furniture and the big, black, piano dominating the room. At the very core of this chaos sat Sirius, the fingers of his hands moving silently over the keyboard, his eyes closed, his body moving to the rhythm of his playing.
The keys were moving, but Remus didn't hear anything. Puzzled, he looked away from this strange pantomime.
"Silencing charms." Bill explained. "That's why we didn't hear anything. Finite Incantatem!"
And all of a sudden Remus ears were assaulted by music. Overwhelming music, getting under his skin, deep into his bones, warming him up and freezing him with awe all at once.
"I never had any idea, Sirius could play," Molly whispered in Remus' ear.
Remus didn't answer. Neither had he but he didn't want to tell Molly that.
Approaching Sirius, Remus put his hand on his shoulder. "Sirius…"
Sirius jumped up from the stool, the melody broken. "What the…! Remus? What are you doing here?"
"Molly asked me to ask you if you would bother with dinner, tonight."
Still wearing the irritated gaze of a person being thrown out of a trance-like, Sirius peered at Molly from behind Remus.
"Oh Sirius!" Molly sounded deeply moved. "I had no idea you could play so nicely! Would you like something to eat?"
"No, thank you. I'm not hungry."
Again, Remus frowned at this unusual statement. "Er… you sure?"
"Yes, I am."
"Would you join us later then?"
"Perhaps."
Remus knew he could persuade Sirius into a different answer, for the sake of Molly's fretfulness and in the honour of her divine cooking skills. This evening, however, he was too tired and hungry to try convincing a grown-up man.
"Very well," Remus said. "Come on, Molly. Bill."
They were already in the corridor when the door to the music room shut again.
"He will get bored soon," Remus assured Molly when, later on, he was sitting in the kitchen, holding up his plate to get his third helping of stew. "Sirius had many hobbies in the past but none of them kept his interest for too long."
Bill broke his bread. "Wasn't the piano supposed to be cursed?"
"Now that you remind me of it, yes it was. A nasty curse which I didn't manage to break at the time. I planned to get to it later but, you know, the Order's work kept me occupied."
Molly blew her nose. "Remus, just tell Sirius I put some of the stew aside for him."
The rest of the dinner was a subdued affair. Bill was interested only in his food and Molly's mouth was very thin in annoyance.
If Sirius ever discovered the food, Remus couldn't tell. Remus fell asleep immediately after his head hit the pillow, and he couldn't even tell when Sirius joined him in their bed. The next morning Remus woke up alone. The pillow next to his own bore a hollow but the mattress and the rumpled sheet were already cold.
Sirius closed himself in the music room again.
~*~
"He would lose interest soon," was what Remus told Molly and Bill. He never imagined he would be proven wrong.
Since this evening that old, spooky house became filled with music. It penetrated the damp walls with its gentle force. It reached even the darkest corner of the attics. It make Kreacher disappear for days, it brought the ever-whispering portraits to silence and made Walburga to draw the curtains shut over her own frame.
Remus himself balled his hands in fists and silent anger. No, he wasn't jealous, really! Not envious, either - this never even crossed his mind. He felt just irritated about this strange person who had appeared all of a sudden, turning inside-out Remus' expertise in Sirius Black's irrational logic and intriguing complexity.
Sirius didn't take any notice of the changes around him. Remus and he barely spoke to each other, each of them preoccupied in his own way. They still had sex at night. They still kept meeting in the hallways and in the kitchen, when Sirius remembered at least to grab himself a scone.
During one of these visits Dumbledore put down his cup with tea, smiling at Sirius over the rim of his glasses. "Sirius, Molly told me you have been playing the piano."
Sirius paused, the scone in his hand. "It's true."
"How about you perform for the Order?"
"No, I wouldn't."
Grabbing another scone, Sirius left the kitchen before even Dumbledore managed to ask why.
If he later tried to persuade Sirius, Remus never knew. Yet once Sirius made up his mind…
Remus wished things had gone differently in the end. Perhaps in less difficult times there might be less complicated solutions. There might be more time spend together. More talk, more understanding, more of everything.
After Sirius fell through the Veil, he left a room full of notes, a very lonely piano and a hole in Remus' heart. The yearning to fill it, to move on toward a less complicated life was too overwhelming. And when Tonks literally threw herself into his arms, it seemed to be the simplest solution of all to hold onto her.
Part 3