over-assumed reaction
The Problem & Random Bitching
I don't think I can count how many times in the last couple weeks people have come up to me (or messaged me) saying "I pissed off so and so" "I think so and so is mad at me" "I think I upset so and so because I said blah blah blah and she signed off"
We'll assume that "so and so" stands for several of my friends...obviously people that I know..otherwise people wouldn't be telling me about it..or something. So... often...I'll go ask whichever so and so they happen to be talking about what happened.
More than half of the time "so and so" was not pisses off, mad, upset, or offended until AFTER the person assumed they were. With the exception of so and so signing off... it seems to me that a useful thing to do would be to say "Hey, are you pissed off/mad/upset? I'm sorry if you are..I didn't mean to come across as rude/whatever."
But... often the response both "so and so" and I get is something more like.... "Well, I'm sorry I'm such an ass" when so and so never said that...and didn't think it until afterwards. Or... "I didn't mean for this to make you so mad" when so and so never said that she was mad or arguing.
Now...when I get into a discussion..particularly if I'm taking a different side than whoever I'm talking to... I think up a well reasoned "argument" and make my point. I often do it fairly matter-of-factly... and people tend to think that I'm upset or that I'm arguing with them. And then they tell me to calm down, or say whatever, I didn't want it to turn into an argument, or why are you getting so upset about this. Well, as far as I was concerned, all I was doing was getting involved in a discussion and trying to present my opinion. Here's a hint... IF I'M UPSET / IRRITATED / ANNOYED / MAD/ OFFENDED / PISSED OFF .. I WILL TELL YOU. You assuming I'm any of those things is likely to make me feel however you assumed I was feeling... since I HATE it when people tell me how I feel...particularly when they're wrong.
Now, I do have a couple friends who, when they get upset/etc, they tend to stop talking instead of saying, "hey, when you said/did this and this and that, it upset me, and I don't feel like talking to you right now" ...so, we'll say that's a big reason why people come to me and say they upset/etc them.
Advice and Information
If you come to me saying you think one of my friends is mad at you...I will go talk to that friend and see what their side of the story is. I may or may not come back and give you advice on how to deal with that friend.
IF "so and so" signs off, don't get on Karchan and start harassing whoever they are playing. If you want to apologize or explain, send them an email or a mudmail doing so. If you want to explain why they shouldn't have been upset at your or why you are right.. DON'T! Instead, you might want to consider sending them an email/mudmail saying "I'm sorry you were upset by this, it wasn't my intention to upset you. I'm happy to talk about it further if you want to." And then, don't bring it up again unless they do.
If "so and so" doesn't sign off... don't tell me that they hate you or are mad at you or anything else. Say any of the above things directly to them. Or say... "I get the impression that you are mad at me. Are you?" IF "so and so" says they are not mad at you, don't assume they are lying..assume that you misread their "tone of typing" and incorrectly evaluated their emotions.
Now, I don't want anyone to feel that they can't come talk to me. If you're upset, because "so and so" took something wrong, and want to talk about it... I'm here for ya. If you want me to mediate a situation, feel free to come talk to me. If you just feel like sharing whatever is happening, go for it. If you want to bitch about "so and so" being mean to you or overreacting, fine. That said...
DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS! It ain't my issue.
I don't think I can count how many times in the last couple weeks people have come up to me (or messaged me) saying "I pissed off so and so" "I think so and so is mad at me" "I think I upset so and so because I said blah blah blah and she signed off"
We'll assume that "so and so" stands for several of my friends...obviously people that I know..otherwise people wouldn't be telling me about it..or something. So... often...I'll go ask whichever so and so they happen to be talking about what happened.
More than half of the time "so and so" was not pisses off, mad, upset, or offended until AFTER the person assumed they were. With the exception of so and so signing off... it seems to me that a useful thing to do would be to say "Hey, are you pissed off/mad/upset? I'm sorry if you are..I didn't mean to come across as rude/whatever."
But... often the response both "so and so" and I get is something more like.... "Well, I'm sorry I'm such an ass" when so and so never said that...and didn't think it until afterwards. Or... "I didn't mean for this to make you so mad" when so and so never said that she was mad or arguing.
Now...when I get into a discussion..particularly if I'm taking a different side than whoever I'm talking to... I think up a well reasoned "argument" and make my point. I often do it fairly matter-of-factly... and people tend to think that I'm upset or that I'm arguing with them. And then they tell me to calm down, or say whatever, I didn't want it to turn into an argument, or why are you getting so upset about this. Well, as far as I was concerned, all I was doing was getting involved in a discussion and trying to present my opinion. Here's a hint... IF I'M UPSET / IRRITATED / ANNOYED / MAD/ OFFENDED / PISSED OFF .. I WILL TELL YOU. You assuming I'm any of those things is likely to make me feel however you assumed I was feeling... since I HATE it when people tell me how I feel...particularly when they're wrong.
Now, I do have a couple friends who, when they get upset/etc, they tend to stop talking instead of saying, "hey, when you said/did this and this and that, it upset me, and I don't feel like talking to you right now" ...so, we'll say that's a big reason why people come to me and say they upset/etc them.
Advice and Information
If you come to me saying you think one of my friends is mad at you...I will go talk to that friend and see what their side of the story is. I may or may not come back and give you advice on how to deal with that friend.
IF "so and so" signs off, don't get on Karchan and start harassing whoever they are playing. If you want to apologize or explain, send them an email or a mudmail doing so. If you want to explain why they shouldn't have been upset at your or why you are right.. DON'T! Instead, you might want to consider sending them an email/mudmail saying "I'm sorry you were upset by this, it wasn't my intention to upset you. I'm happy to talk about it further if you want to." And then, don't bring it up again unless they do.
If "so and so" doesn't sign off... don't tell me that they hate you or are mad at you or anything else. Say any of the above things directly to them. Or say... "I get the impression that you are mad at me. Are you?" IF "so and so" says they are not mad at you, don't assume they are lying..assume that you misread their "tone of typing" and incorrectly evaluated their emotions.
Now, I don't want anyone to feel that they can't come talk to me. If you're upset, because "so and so" took something wrong, and want to talk about it... I'm here for ya. If you want me to mediate a situation, feel free to come talk to me. If you just feel like sharing whatever is happening, go for it. If you want to bitch about "so and so" being mean to you or overreacting, fine. That said...
DEAL WITH YOUR FUCKING COMMUNICATION PROBLEMS! It ain't my issue.