(no subject)
Title: Helpless
Word Count: 437
Author's Note: I had issues writing this, because of what I talked about in chat. However, this is where the prompt went so... I let it go there. This is honestly one of the hardest Xander-related things I've written, because of all those issues with that FUCKING moment. The infamous moment. I have Xander from nearly every season, BUT two in my head to some extent, too, so that didn't help. Anyway, this note is going to be longer than the fic.
Feeling helpless is an emotion that Xander Harris is intimately familiar with. It's a feeling best described by reminding people of the scene from Homeward Bound. The one where the old dog falls into the deep, muddy pit. No matter how much the dog tries to pull himself up through the mud. He keeps slipping, and never gets even halfway to the top. It's no use, and he knows it, but he keeps fucking trying, cause what else is there? And then eventually, you lie your head down in the mud and give up.
Buffy is going to kill Angel. Xander is helpless.
Just like he was helpless against alcohol. He couldn't stop his mom from getting smacked around (when he was older he tried), and he couldn't convince his dad through tears, silence, or other means that getting hit and being called a useless, little shit was not going to help him become a useful, big shit.
Xander was helpless with Jesse, with praying mantis lady.
He was helpless against the hyena. It hurt Willow, his best friend. He doesn't deserve her. She knows him better than anyone can or will, and he- it hurt her. It used his voice, his face... and hurt her. He doesn't think about what he- it was going to do to Buffy.
He was helpless in keeping Buffy from falling for Dead Boy. Outwardly he pretends to think that means there's something wrong with her, but inwardly, he wonders if it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.
There are times when he's not helpless. If he felt that he couldn't do anything for anyone at any time, he wouldn't still be here. He wouldn't still be fighting even if his version of fighting means running like hell and quipping jokes to keep the tension out. It's not much, but it's all he's got. He couldn't go back to not fighting anyway.
Watching Willow lie in that hospital bed offering to try, again, when she's lying in a hospital bed, because of Angel. His Willow. His best friend since forever. It's all he can do to pretend he's calm.
Angel He has killed so many people. He's the one that gets to kiss Buffy. He nearly killed Willow. Angel is a vampire. Soul or not. Xander has never been able to get accept that. Maybe he never will.
Xander steps across the pavement with Buffy and tightens his hold on the stake.
"Willow, she told me to tell you..."
They stop.
The right words stick in his throat.
"Kick his ass."
Three little words, and suddenly, he's not so helpless anymore.
Word Count: 437
Author's Note: I had issues writing this, because of what I talked about in chat. However, this is where the prompt went so... I let it go there. This is honestly one of the hardest Xander-related things I've written, because of all those issues with that FUCKING moment. The infamous moment. I have Xander from nearly every season, BUT two in my head to some extent, too, so that didn't help. Anyway, this note is going to be longer than the fic.
Feeling helpless is an emotion that Xander Harris is intimately familiar with. It's a feeling best described by reminding people of the scene from Homeward Bound. The one where the old dog falls into the deep, muddy pit. No matter how much the dog tries to pull himself up through the mud. He keeps slipping, and never gets even halfway to the top. It's no use, and he knows it, but he keeps fucking trying, cause what else is there? And then eventually, you lie your head down in the mud and give up.
Buffy is going to kill Angel. Xander is helpless.
Just like he was helpless against alcohol. He couldn't stop his mom from getting smacked around (when he was older he tried), and he couldn't convince his dad through tears, silence, or other means that getting hit and being called a useless, little shit was not going to help him become a useful, big shit.
Xander was helpless with Jesse, with praying mantis lady.
He was helpless against the hyena. It hurt Willow, his best friend. He doesn't deserve her. She knows him better than anyone can or will, and he- it hurt her. It used his voice, his face... and hurt her. He doesn't think about what he- it was going to do to Buffy.
He was helpless in keeping Buffy from falling for Dead Boy. Outwardly he pretends to think that means there's something wrong with her, but inwardly, he wonders if it doesn't mean there's something wrong with him.
There are times when he's not helpless. If he felt that he couldn't do anything for anyone at any time, he wouldn't still be here. He wouldn't still be fighting even if his version of fighting means running like hell and quipping jokes to keep the tension out. It's not much, but it's all he's got. He couldn't go back to not fighting anyway.
Watching Willow lie in that hospital bed offering to try, again, when she's lying in a hospital bed, because of Angel. His Willow. His best friend since forever. It's all he can do to pretend he's calm.
Angel He has killed so many people. He's the one that gets to kiss Buffy. He nearly killed Willow. Angel is a vampire. Soul or not. Xander has never been able to get accept that. Maybe he never will.
Xander steps across the pavement with Buffy and tightens his hold on the stake.
"Willow, she told me to tell you..."
They stop.
The right words stick in his throat.
"Kick his ass."
Three little words, and suddenly, he's not so helpless anymore.