i may seem okay, but it's only an act.
so i don't think i've spoken to dave in about a week. this is basically for no reason other than he currently can't be bothered remembering i exist. he did this after our visit last summer but not for as long. i really don't know whether or not i have it in me to keep doing this and if i do, i don't know how much longer i'll last.
i know a lot of the things i am upset about are in my head, but i don't think i should have to ask him to call, and i don't think i should have to feel annoying if i call him. i know he isn't my boyfriend but if we love each other, we have this history, he still calls at 2am (when he calls), and he was in my bed not even two months ago. he acts like a boyfriend until he realizes he's acting like a boyfriend and then he's just gone in the blink of an eye.
i'm so tired of crying at night. i've returned to my old habit of keeping tissues on my bed so my pillowcases don't end up wet with tears. songs and tv shows and commercials are making me cry again. i have to go to a wedding on friday and i'm quite worried i will humiliate myself by actually bawling instead of appropriate wedding crying. kind of like how i was hysterical at the end of garden state. i mean, not like i will be upset that amanda and brian are getting married and i'm not. they've been together since junior year of high school. i am happy for them. but seeing two people together is a pretty solid reminder of how alone i am. i have amazing friends, but the person who i've loved most dances back and forth between being completely smitten with me and pretending i don't exist. at this point i have so much emotional baggage that i don't think another boy would tolerate me if i actually found one. i am honestly surprised my friends put up with me, i am a basket case almost always.
i really just wonder how much more i have to take.
and one of my hamsters is definitely three-legged now. poor little nut.
and now for a rare event. i'm posting lyrics. i am hooked on the new garbage album and this song has become my anthem:
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
and everything you think you had, baby, is gone
certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
and nagging little thoughts
change into things you can't turn off
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
it's all over but the crying
fade to black i'm sick of trying
took too much and now i'm done
it's all over but the crying
do you really think i'm made of stone, baby?
c'mon
that we only love the things we own?
baby, you're wrong
certain things just happen when you make no plans
and love can really tear you up
and it can break you down
everything you know, baby, is wrong
it's all over but the crying
fade to black, i'm sick of trying
took too much and now i'm done
it's all over but the crying
baby we're done
if i could, i would
i'd change everything
cause i can't forget you, though you don't believe me
now i can't walk
i can't leave behind
where does it go, all the light that we had?
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
and everything you think you had, baby, is gone
baby, we're done
i know a lot of the things i am upset about are in my head, but i don't think i should have to ask him to call, and i don't think i should have to feel annoying if i call him. i know he isn't my boyfriend but if we love each other, we have this history, he still calls at 2am (when he calls), and he was in my bed not even two months ago. he acts like a boyfriend until he realizes he's acting like a boyfriend and then he's just gone in the blink of an eye.
i'm so tired of crying at night. i've returned to my old habit of keeping tissues on my bed so my pillowcases don't end up wet with tears. songs and tv shows and commercials are making me cry again. i have to go to a wedding on friday and i'm quite worried i will humiliate myself by actually bawling instead of appropriate wedding crying. kind of like how i was hysterical at the end of garden state. i mean, not like i will be upset that amanda and brian are getting married and i'm not. they've been together since junior year of high school. i am happy for them. but seeing two people together is a pretty solid reminder of how alone i am. i have amazing friends, but the person who i've loved most dances back and forth between being completely smitten with me and pretending i don't exist. at this point i have so much emotional baggage that i don't think another boy would tolerate me if i actually found one. i am honestly surprised my friends put up with me, i am a basket case almost always.
i really just wonder how much more i have to take.
and one of my hamsters is definitely three-legged now. poor little nut.
and now for a rare event. i'm posting lyrics. i am hooked on the new garbage album and this song has become my anthem:
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
and everything you think you had, baby, is gone
certain things turn ugly when you think too hard
and nagging little thoughts
change into things you can't turn off
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
it's all over but the crying
fade to black i'm sick of trying
took too much and now i'm done
it's all over but the crying
do you really think i'm made of stone, baby?
c'mon
that we only love the things we own?
baby, you're wrong
certain things just happen when you make no plans
and love can really tear you up
and it can break you down
everything you know, baby, is wrong
it's all over but the crying
fade to black, i'm sick of trying
took too much and now i'm done
it's all over but the crying
baby we're done
if i could, i would
i'd change everything
cause i can't forget you, though you don't believe me
now i can't walk
i can't leave behind
where does it go, all the light that we had?
everything you think you know, baby, is wrong
and everything you think you had, baby, is gone
baby, we're done