Depressing, u better believe it....
I need money. There are alot of things within the next couple of months that i would like to earn and do but am struggling to find a way to do all of them. Most people would say get a job. I cant go to the store and buy a job. I have to earn it. I have to go to an interview, make them like me, and then there is a trial period to see if u fit in. I hate all that crap. Then i look back at why i want money in the first place. For games that i probably wont be any good at? To go out to eat when all that stuff is unhealthy? To hang out with people im not sure like me as much as they used to. I know i sound like a pregnant woman but im finding that im not as appreciated as i used to be. I used to be the king of the town, the jokester, a bad man. Now i think ive turned into a burden. I really dont know what to do about it because i have never had to become something i have always been. I was just IT. I didnt have to do things differently because i was where i wanted to be. Things as an adult i suppose are becoming more complicated than they used to be which makes it harder to crack jokes about. My friends always telling me that i am going to hell but frankly i think hell is a place that can be visited right here on earth. You dont feel it physically but mentally. Where things other people take for granted you worry about. A place where doubt, passed mistakes and uncertain future are constant in your everyday thinking. I cant say i dont deserve it. But i can say that it suxors. I have been asked by my sister to go visit her. I really to be honest dont know where she lives. Its up in northern florida somewhere. I think i will. I need to geographically relocate for a bit to look at my life from anothers eyes so i can give myself advice. I am ok at giving advice to others but not taking my own. Ugh this blows...