End of the year...conclusions
Yeah, School's out...bringing another chapter of my life to an end, I've grown much more then in previous years, maybe the most since my Middle School years...I got my exam grades back, and I did good on all of them except Trigonometry which I just barely passed the exam and have like a 70% average in the class...I'm afraid of how my mom will react. But thats of minor consequence. Lots of other things happened aside from that.
I lost my religion...entering this year I was a christian, but as the year went on, I continously questioned my religious faith and it became unbearable, just the mention or thought of religion drove me to extreme discomfort. On the very night I denounced my christianity I was sitting in my room in the dark, I held the bible in my hand and pleaded and prayed with all my strength for god to show himself...for him to re-enter me and renew my religious faith...I received nothing. I called out again, insulting god and saying him a coward...but still no response, I wept that night, the last shred of my childhood gone. I'd already been embittered by middle school and adolesence drove me to sexual perversion, the religious faith I had was now gone...and replaced by Deism, in the end I suppose I'm better off without religion, yet without god there for you it makes life so much easier and comforting. There are still times I wish could believe in a religious doctrine...
I also met one of my greatest friends. Brad Fritcher. God, just talking about this makes my eyes water. He was a kid in my psychology class, although we didn't become good friends until sociology in the second semester. He and I were so alike, similar interests, the same deep thoughts, he shared this artistic taste and spirituality I could not find with anyone else... (my friend Jared has a similar bond...although we are close moreso on an intellectual level) He was my second best friend in the school by the end of the year...and now he's graduated and I have his cell-phone number...but I'll probably never call him. Even though the time I hung out with him didn't last...I'm so glad I got to meet the guy.
And of Course...anybody who's close to me knows about her...I saw her on the first busride home. I don't know why...or how...or anything but I've found myself drawn to her since then. She made me question my beliefs about how I should think and act...she changed me. Yet I never ever interacted with her, at all. I thought it was just lust...but upon a revelation today, I realized that my attachment to her was far more emotional. I never thought about girls i foudn attractive as much as she did...nor did I have dreams about them like I do with her...
Both my mind and my heart tell me that my attraction or interest in her is beyond that of lust...maybe not love, but just beyond physical desire. Maybe my emotions have overwhelmed and clouded my logic...but I just don't care. I saw her for the last time just before I went home and now...I can truly realize that next year...my last year at that school, I need to speak to her...I just need her to know I exist...hell, maybe we can become friends.
And deep down I pray...just pray that we can become more. It hurts to say that, I feel stupid, but now is not the time to hold back.
With the school-year over, I think its obvious I need to make changes. This year, its taught me that I cannot judge or measure people based on if they think with their mind or their heart...humans are better off without these deep thoughts I have, and the emotions I have, whether divine or mundane shoudl not be ignored.
From this day on...I swear upon my life that I will leave behind that cold shell of a human being I was during this school year...
I lost my religion...entering this year I was a christian, but as the year went on, I continously questioned my religious faith and it became unbearable, just the mention or thought of religion drove me to extreme discomfort. On the very night I denounced my christianity I was sitting in my room in the dark, I held the bible in my hand and pleaded and prayed with all my strength for god to show himself...for him to re-enter me and renew my religious faith...I received nothing. I called out again, insulting god and saying him a coward...but still no response, I wept that night, the last shred of my childhood gone. I'd already been embittered by middle school and adolesence drove me to sexual perversion, the religious faith I had was now gone...and replaced by Deism, in the end I suppose I'm better off without religion, yet without god there for you it makes life so much easier and comforting. There are still times I wish could believe in a religious doctrine...
I also met one of my greatest friends. Brad Fritcher. God, just talking about this makes my eyes water. He was a kid in my psychology class, although we didn't become good friends until sociology in the second semester. He and I were so alike, similar interests, the same deep thoughts, he shared this artistic taste and spirituality I could not find with anyone else... (my friend Jared has a similar bond...although we are close moreso on an intellectual level) He was my second best friend in the school by the end of the year...and now he's graduated and I have his cell-phone number...but I'll probably never call him. Even though the time I hung out with him didn't last...I'm so glad I got to meet the guy.
And of Course...anybody who's close to me knows about her...I saw her on the first busride home. I don't know why...or how...or anything but I've found myself drawn to her since then. She made me question my beliefs about how I should think and act...she changed me. Yet I never ever interacted with her, at all. I thought it was just lust...but upon a revelation today, I realized that my attachment to her was far more emotional. I never thought about girls i foudn attractive as much as she did...nor did I have dreams about them like I do with her...
Both my mind and my heart tell me that my attraction or interest in her is beyond that of lust...maybe not love, but just beyond physical desire. Maybe my emotions have overwhelmed and clouded my logic...but I just don't care. I saw her for the last time just before I went home and now...I can truly realize that next year...my last year at that school, I need to speak to her...I just need her to know I exist...hell, maybe we can become friends.
And deep down I pray...just pray that we can become more. It hurts to say that, I feel stupid, but now is not the time to hold back.
With the school-year over, I think its obvious I need to make changes. This year, its taught me that I cannot judge or measure people based on if they think with their mind or their heart...humans are better off without these deep thoughts I have, and the emotions I have, whether divine or mundane shoudl not be ignored.
From this day on...I swear upon my life that I will leave behind that cold shell of a human being I was during this school year...