the mental notes are stacking.
Oh livejournal...
Yeesh, can't even remember the last time I posted. Did I even have anything to say after finishing gradschool? I'm too lazy to even check right now.
How the eff is it september already? Gah!
As is usually the case lately, whenever I think to write a post I'm usually too tired to concentrate and organize my thoughts in any coherent way, which is a shame because the last few weeks HAVE felt extra stressful and I should take advantage of any outlet at my disposal.
What I really should do of course is to get back into therapy, and thought I reached out to my doc back in NYC a while back, I haven't made any steps to start seeing someone on the regular out here.
Post grad school doldrums are no joke. Since getting back from my last trip to Portland I feel like I've swung more from low lows to positively positive, but the trips back and forth have given me some emotional whiplash (like headbanging at a Quicksand reunion-ba-dum-bum.)
Short version is I scrambled to find jobs which is always sort of terror/low self esteem inducing. Stressing out and digging and feeling like you're not making headway. It's easy to tank after so many days of that.
Then, I had some opportunities head my way.
One is this freelance gig drawing three issues of a kids comic called "Santa vs. Aliens". I was contacted by the writer who is acquaintances with a former professor of mine. She had originally written the story as a screenplay and apparently it had been optioned by a hollywood producer but never got made. The option expired and you know...now it makes sense to try and sell it as a comic I guess. I'm sure she's going to use it to turnaround and sell it to hollywood again. It's strictly work for hire and the page rate is partially deferred. So basically I'm making a total crap rate up front and then will get future payment based on issue sales after she recoups printing costs, this is IF she ends up putting it out totally herself. I know she wants to shop around the first issue once it's complete.
The style is not really my go-to thing, but I'm trying to have fun with it, and even though it's working for peanuts, at least console myself that it is still earning a (technically) living making comics.
Meanwhile I had two potential teaching jobs. One was an afterschool thing in San Francisco that I didn't even realize in the interview wanted to hire me...but noooooooo. I wanted to wait it out because I had my fingers X'd for a visiting artist instructor at the IPRC.
I was suuuuuuuuuper qualified for this job, was excited to bump up my teaching resume while visiting portland homies and making comics. I interviewed over the skype and it went really well. I DARED to feel kinda-sorta optimistic. Which, you know...DUMBBBBBB.
So I got passed up for it last week. The email was totally "We all really liked you and thought you aced the interview...buuuuuut we want to keep the gender balance with the instructors."
Obvs not a direct quote, but that was basically it.
And you know, cool, I get wanting to have that as a priority, but if so...shit, I kinda wish they didn't bother interviewing me.
I'm not the sort of person who generally gets their hopes up about...well, anything. So I kinda did this time and wiffed and I sort of feel tricked. My inner cynic is calling me out for being a sucker. It's a drag and took the wind out of my sails for a few days. It's also made it extra hard to get back to the job boards to dig around for teaching things when I didn't get the one that I'm most qualified for.
Without grad school I really kind of build my sense of self worth out of the things I make, and it has been tricky to keep the PMA when I'm wasting effort on applications, or wristing work for hire stuff when I'm not moving forward with new personal comics OR my novel (I am stalled out at the 350 page mark. Help.)
I know I just need to get a bit more organized to better move forward, but as always easier said than done.
Meanwhile back in New York...my jerkface family is still quibbling over my deceased grandmother's estate. I am now on the family lawyers e-mail chain and shit is crazy. gramma $moneybags$ passed away in January and all this shit is still going on. I've gotten a better sense of what the estate is worth and it is fucking ridiculous (in terms of my lifestyle anyway) I am spending my day to day life on a budget where I'm trying to not have more than one coffee out a day, but I know that at some point in the next year a dumptruck of money is going to fall on top of me and...mind you i'm not complaining...but I really don't know what to do with that. What I WANT to do with it. What is RESPONSIBLE to do with that. Concerns and worries that I'm just really not used to and would mostly rather ignore. But seriously, what does a guy like me do with a windfall? Do I buy a house just because? I'm not particularly tied to any place to own a house in. That seems like the thing more financially able and responsible folks my age are doing but I don't have a burning desire to make that happen either. I can "buy time" to work on my own shit, but the bay area is an expensive place to try and pull that off. So, what? I feel like my adult experience has been largely one of stripping down my possessions. Killing the tendencies of fanboy collecting/stuff accumulating and I don't really think I want to turn back.
Months out of grad school and I still have not rebounded socially. I have been trying to make more effort to hang out, but also will get waves of old-man-itus where I don't feel like I have the energy for spur of the moment adventures/parties/shows/etc. It's lame and I need to get better about it. I have a running list of things I need to get better about. The mental notes are stacking as a wise wizard once said.
What the fuck else?
Oh, we finally got rid of the crazy room mate. Good riddance! Not having her around has definitely made the home environment less stressful (not to mention LD has her own room back.) I'm keeping up with crossfit. I still find it fun even if I'm starting to feel like my results have plateaued a bit. I've been feeling homesick for the east coast but probably can't make it back there till Xmas, making this the longest I've been away(like ever.) But I guess it will be winter again before I know it. Life keeps speeding up no matter how much I try to pump the breaks.
Yeesh, can't even remember the last time I posted. Did I even have anything to say after finishing gradschool? I'm too lazy to even check right now.
How the eff is it september already? Gah!
As is usually the case lately, whenever I think to write a post I'm usually too tired to concentrate and organize my thoughts in any coherent way, which is a shame because the last few weeks HAVE felt extra stressful and I should take advantage of any outlet at my disposal.
What I really should do of course is to get back into therapy, and thought I reached out to my doc back in NYC a while back, I haven't made any steps to start seeing someone on the regular out here.
Post grad school doldrums are no joke. Since getting back from my last trip to Portland I feel like I've swung more from low lows to positively positive, but the trips back and forth have given me some emotional whiplash (like headbanging at a Quicksand reunion-ba-dum-bum.)
Short version is I scrambled to find jobs which is always sort of terror/low self esteem inducing. Stressing out and digging and feeling like you're not making headway. It's easy to tank after so many days of that.
Then, I had some opportunities head my way.
One is this freelance gig drawing three issues of a kids comic called "Santa vs. Aliens". I was contacted by the writer who is acquaintances with a former professor of mine. She had originally written the story as a screenplay and apparently it had been optioned by a hollywood producer but never got made. The option expired and you know...now it makes sense to try and sell it as a comic I guess. I'm sure she's going to use it to turnaround and sell it to hollywood again. It's strictly work for hire and the page rate is partially deferred. So basically I'm making a total crap rate up front and then will get future payment based on issue sales after she recoups printing costs, this is IF she ends up putting it out totally herself. I know she wants to shop around the first issue once it's complete.
The style is not really my go-to thing, but I'm trying to have fun with it, and even though it's working for peanuts, at least console myself that it is still earning a (technically) living making comics.
Meanwhile I had two potential teaching jobs. One was an afterschool thing in San Francisco that I didn't even realize in the interview wanted to hire me...but noooooooo. I wanted to wait it out because I had my fingers X'd for a visiting artist instructor at the IPRC.
I was suuuuuuuuuper qualified for this job, was excited to bump up my teaching resume while visiting portland homies and making comics. I interviewed over the skype and it went really well. I DARED to feel kinda-sorta optimistic. Which, you know...DUMBBBBBB.
So I got passed up for it last week. The email was totally "We all really liked you and thought you aced the interview...buuuuuut we want to keep the gender balance with the instructors."
Obvs not a direct quote, but that was basically it.
And you know, cool, I get wanting to have that as a priority, but if so...shit, I kinda wish they didn't bother interviewing me.
I'm not the sort of person who generally gets their hopes up about...well, anything. So I kinda did this time and wiffed and I sort of feel tricked. My inner cynic is calling me out for being a sucker. It's a drag and took the wind out of my sails for a few days. It's also made it extra hard to get back to the job boards to dig around for teaching things when I didn't get the one that I'm most qualified for.
Without grad school I really kind of build my sense of self worth out of the things I make, and it has been tricky to keep the PMA when I'm wasting effort on applications, or wristing work for hire stuff when I'm not moving forward with new personal comics OR my novel (I am stalled out at the 350 page mark. Help.)
I know I just need to get a bit more organized to better move forward, but as always easier said than done.
Meanwhile back in New York...my jerkface family is still quibbling over my deceased grandmother's estate. I am now on the family lawyers e-mail chain and shit is crazy. gramma $moneybags$ passed away in January and all this shit is still going on. I've gotten a better sense of what the estate is worth and it is fucking ridiculous (in terms of my lifestyle anyway) I am spending my day to day life on a budget where I'm trying to not have more than one coffee out a day, but I know that at some point in the next year a dumptruck of money is going to fall on top of me and...mind you i'm not complaining...but I really don't know what to do with that. What I WANT to do with it. What is RESPONSIBLE to do with that. Concerns and worries that I'm just really not used to and would mostly rather ignore. But seriously, what does a guy like me do with a windfall? Do I buy a house just because? I'm not particularly tied to any place to own a house in. That seems like the thing more financially able and responsible folks my age are doing but I don't have a burning desire to make that happen either. I can "buy time" to work on my own shit, but the bay area is an expensive place to try and pull that off. So, what? I feel like my adult experience has been largely one of stripping down my possessions. Killing the tendencies of fanboy collecting/stuff accumulating and I don't really think I want to turn back.
Months out of grad school and I still have not rebounded socially. I have been trying to make more effort to hang out, but also will get waves of old-man-itus where I don't feel like I have the energy for spur of the moment adventures/parties/shows/etc. It's lame and I need to get better about it. I have a running list of things I need to get better about. The mental notes are stacking as a wise wizard once said.
What the fuck else?
Oh, we finally got rid of the crazy room mate. Good riddance! Not having her around has definitely made the home environment less stressful (not to mention LD has her own room back.) I'm keeping up with crossfit. I still find it fun even if I'm starting to feel like my results have plateaued a bit. I've been feeling homesick for the east coast but probably can't make it back there till Xmas, making this the longest I've been away(like ever.) But I guess it will be winter again before I know it. Life keeps speeding up no matter how much I try to pump the breaks.