the truth is soo fuckign unbeleiveable. there is no piont.
hey ash, sweetie, i've been thinking, if I go in for this professional help, that everyone wants. what would i discuss? lol i can see it now.
*me* hello doc :-)
*doc* hello mr.tromp, what is it that you wish to talk about?
*me* that's a good question, i'm here cuz it's supposedly the only way to get my friends back.
*doc* is that all your here for?
*me* pretty much.
*doc* lets talk about what happened to you that lead to losing your friends.
*me* ok, give me a piece of paper and 10 minutes and i'll draw you diagrams to follow it all.
10 minutes and several graphic pictures later...
*doc* well then, how does all that make you feel..
*me* such is life, move on or die. i'd rather move on. death is way too boring.
*doc*....
and if i go in for the adhd, they will eithre put me on wellbutrin, or meth. welbutrin is a MRI-multiple reuptake inhibitor. which would screw around with my seratonin and my Norepinephrine. which i already know are balenced. which would make me a rather unpleasent person to be around. and while meth would fix my dopamine imbalance, daily dosing of meth scares the shit out of me. and i'm sorry possible addiction to that is not what i want. there is a 3rd choice-Cylert (pemoline). which had been discontinued due to almost certian liver failure. so i think it's best for me to live with the adhd.
and now there is the sad relizations that i have come too...
now i love my friends dearly. and always will. but even in my delusional,sometimes self-destructive, and highly unconventional approach to my problems. I've had a clear cut goal. to become the person i need to be. No more no less. now not everything i've done is a step to that goal, but most are. and to make it worse i've known exactly what i was doing for the last 9 months. and everyday i look in the mirror and make sure i'm still on that path. but when i look at what it is that i will end up as. be it in 3 days or 3 years. one thing remains the same. the person i will end up as. will not be accepted by my old friends. because who I was and who i will become are 2 completely different people. with only the smile and the good nature remaining the same. nothing else will be accepted. so to spare myself alot of pain, and to spare everyone else from the overwhleming resentment i have for their *tough love*. it's time for me to move on and out. it was nice to have my best friends and inner circle within 1 group and they themselves be connected to each other. it's not worth the pain that this *tough love* inflicts. i've been working hard to make alot of new friends, and while not all of them are as good as the old ones. a select few are better than the old ones. so it all balences out in the end. it's been a wonderful 4 years but all things must come to and end. this only really applies to my best friend and my inner circle friends-minus 3 who i know will accept who i will become. :-) no names. now yes i know some people will say that it wont fix anything, and i'll just hurt the new people as well. well, considering the only things that cause any amount of emotional pain, that makes me want to run is this group of friends. and i don't have to worry about what so many of them think as they have given me the time to reshape myself and have accepted me everystep of the way. I don't have the established bonds i have with so many now with them so, that keeps me from hurting them. so why go thru chemo-teraphy for a non-malignant tumor that can just be cut out? why should i cause even more damage to my emotions and my body, when i can just leave it behind me? people i consider on the outsides of that inner circle this does not apply to either, but I want as few direct ties to the group as possible. if anyone is still confused as to who this applies to, wait a bit, i'll find and talk to you. :-)
and last is a inside joke for mary.
something i remembered about the status traits in vampire. is that unless they are world wide. they do not follow you from city to city. so this untrustworthy trait i have with ya'll, no longer festers when i leave. and get new friends. :-)
*me* hello doc :-)
*doc* hello mr.tromp, what is it that you wish to talk about?
*me* that's a good question, i'm here cuz it's supposedly the only way to get my friends back.
*doc* is that all your here for?
*me* pretty much.
*doc* lets talk about what happened to you that lead to losing your friends.
*me* ok, give me a piece of paper and 10 minutes and i'll draw you diagrams to follow it all.
10 minutes and several graphic pictures later...
*doc* well then, how does all that make you feel..
*me* such is life, move on or die. i'd rather move on. death is way too boring.
*doc*....
and if i go in for the adhd, they will eithre put me on wellbutrin, or meth. welbutrin is a MRI-multiple reuptake inhibitor. which would screw around with my seratonin and my Norepinephrine. which i already know are balenced. which would make me a rather unpleasent person to be around. and while meth would fix my dopamine imbalance, daily dosing of meth scares the shit out of me. and i'm sorry possible addiction to that is not what i want. there is a 3rd choice-Cylert (pemoline). which had been discontinued due to almost certian liver failure. so i think it's best for me to live with the adhd.
and now there is the sad relizations that i have come too...
now i love my friends dearly. and always will. but even in my delusional,sometimes self-destructive, and highly unconventional approach to my problems. I've had a clear cut goal. to become the person i need to be. No more no less. now not everything i've done is a step to that goal, but most are. and to make it worse i've known exactly what i was doing for the last 9 months. and everyday i look in the mirror and make sure i'm still on that path. but when i look at what it is that i will end up as. be it in 3 days or 3 years. one thing remains the same. the person i will end up as. will not be accepted by my old friends. because who I was and who i will become are 2 completely different people. with only the smile and the good nature remaining the same. nothing else will be accepted. so to spare myself alot of pain, and to spare everyone else from the overwhleming resentment i have for their *tough love*. it's time for me to move on and out. it was nice to have my best friends and inner circle within 1 group and they themselves be connected to each other. it's not worth the pain that this *tough love* inflicts. i've been working hard to make alot of new friends, and while not all of them are as good as the old ones. a select few are better than the old ones. so it all balences out in the end. it's been a wonderful 4 years but all things must come to and end. this only really applies to my best friend and my inner circle friends-minus 3 who i know will accept who i will become. :-) no names. now yes i know some people will say that it wont fix anything, and i'll just hurt the new people as well. well, considering the only things that cause any amount of emotional pain, that makes me want to run is this group of friends. and i don't have to worry about what so many of them think as they have given me the time to reshape myself and have accepted me everystep of the way. I don't have the established bonds i have with so many now with them so, that keeps me from hurting them. so why go thru chemo-teraphy for a non-malignant tumor that can just be cut out? why should i cause even more damage to my emotions and my body, when i can just leave it behind me? people i consider on the outsides of that inner circle this does not apply to either, but I want as few direct ties to the group as possible. if anyone is still confused as to who this applies to, wait a bit, i'll find and talk to you. :-)
and last is a inside joke for mary.
something i remembered about the status traits in vampire. is that unless they are world wide. they do not follow you from city to city. so this untrustworthy trait i have with ya'll, no longer festers when i leave. and get new friends. :-)