feeling.. okay?
so.. im not in a good mood. but im not in a bad mood. im just.. not okay. and im thinking that today has got to be one of the most saddest days of my life. heres my explanation:
dancing has been my life since 7th grade. to the point where one year i got so mad about not being able to be on the high school team, that i got jade to help me, and we started a middle school team. the only year it happened was that year. there was never another middle school team. but performing is my life. to be up on a stage, feeling everyones eyes cut into you. seeing how much you want them to love what your doing. or at least trying to do. that rush of running out on the stage. that weight thats lifted off your shoulders when they all cheer and clap at the end. seeing the people smile at you after the show. knowing that they really did like what you did. and that they enjoyed seeing you do it. hearing that silence when you first walk out. when the crowd has no idea what to expect, when they're all waiting.. wondering.. and then you can see some smiles grow on peoples faces through the bright lights shining down on your face. heating you up. theres nothing like it. every move that you make.. they're watching you.. they know you. they know how much it matters to you. they know that you worked hard. and they know you did it all for them. and then there they are. watching you. enjoying all that hard work. and all you can do afterwords is smile. or cry. because you know its over. and ive always had that okay feeling, like i know im going to do it again. so im happy. but this year. this is the last time. the last night im going to get up on that stage and smile, and dance my little heart out for all those people. and to be completely honest.. i dont want it to be the last time. all i ever want to do in my life is dance. thats what matters to me.
and then not to mention:
me and nicole got to talking outside last night and we were remembering all the fun we used to have. we've been hanging out alot.. and everytime were driving around in the dark and she lays back in the front seat i remember last year. and to be completely honest it kills me. i hate growing up. i hate not hanging out with all the boys in the park. we used to have so much fun. and we used to go to the mall all the time. and our parents would have to pick us up. and we were so cool. one time she spent the night, and she wanted to smoke, so we walked outside, and walked all around my yard.. and it was so worth it. she was so funny. she always has been. shes such a fun person. and i love her. shes probably, (me being completely honest) the best friend i've ever had. and i know shes gonna read this, and everyone else will too, and they're gonna be like "what a suck up". but if nobody read this at all my opinon would still be the same. nicole has always ALWAYS been there. every since we first meant. and she will always make you laugh. and hug you when youre crying. and laugh at you when youre stupid. and she'll pick you up if you to lazy to get up by yourself. and she'll be there. no matter what. you could probably threaten to shoot her in the head, and the next day run up to her and hug her, and she'd hug you right back. because who she is. she'll always hug you. she'll always smile. and i'll always love her. because.. shes the best friend i've ever had. and she's nicole.
i guess thats all.. everyone leave me messages of love. and luck of course. for thsoe of you going to the show, please tell me how i did. honestly. and dont be disappointed when you realize that my dance is shit compared to the rest.
iloveyouall.