(no subject)
I hate it when you have so much to say to people, and there really isn't a good way for you to do it.
I need to vent.
I would never change who i am. Not for anyone. Especially not for all of you. You may not like me and that's fine, but I like myself. And the fact that I can stand true to myself and be genuine and straight forward every day is enough to get me to sleep at night. If i was standing in your shoes, i'm not sure how i would be able to live with myself. You're fake. You all are. In the long run, childish games will not get you anywhere... and I;m not even sure it will give you the satisfaction you're looking for. And if you think that those games will break me, you're wrong. I'm a resilent person, maybe you didn't know that... but it's about time you learn, before you spend any more time trying to tear me down.
You spit me out. Real fast. I don't know how you shut off your feelings so fast (unless they weren't actually genuine)... but I will never be able to just shut you out like that. And trust me, there have been points when i would have given a limb to do so. I wasted so much time on you. So much precious time... that i should have been using to make new friends and the best out of a new situation. Instead, i was investing in you, and look where that took me. You never gave me any reason to believe that we were on different pages...even after we were over. I continued saying hello, sending friendly smiles, and putting effort into being the friend that i expected from you in return... until i realized that it wasn't being returned. Why? Becuase you're a coward, and deep down you know it. You can't look me in the eye becuase you know how wrong, hurtful, and immature you were. So keep running away... each and every day it makes me lose more and more respect for you. Everything happens for a reason, im the first one to preach it... but as far as I am concerned, you were just a big waste. If anything, you helped remind me what it was like to feel second rate again.
Do you think he knows that you used all of his flaws to glorify yourself? You two are such good friends, and yet you are so quick to shoot him down to make yourself look like a bigger, better person. I see right through that, you know. I never held you in higher esteem than him, and i still don't. And frankly, what you're doing isn't right... and sometimes i wonder if you know this. But you know what, I'm a grownup and I dont have time to teach you right from wrong or take your hand and show you how adult relationships work. So yeah, maybe I'll "talk to you later, sometime" but i can promise you that it will be because you initiated the conversation, because I sure as hell won't.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You of all people shouldn't be on my shit list. Please take the time to remember: I'm not some girl you met three months ago at orientation... I'm your true, genuine, honest to God friend. How dare you treat me like that? How dare you talk about me like i am some kind of burden to be around? How dare you let me drive two hours to make me feel uncomfortable? I didnt go to visit just for the sake of visiting. I visited because I felt bad that we never mended fences over the summer. I visited because I miss you. I visited because I need you in my life. Come thanksgiving, I really don't know where i will stand on the matter, but dont be suprised if i dont give you a call. You watched me eliminate one of the most important things in my life... what makes you think that i can't do it again?
There is it: Everything that sits like a lump in the back of my throat, just dying to come out... I've never liked yelling at people, but I haven't had so much kept inside before...
and so i wonder again: at what point do things get easier?
I need to vent.
I would never change who i am. Not for anyone. Especially not for all of you. You may not like me and that's fine, but I like myself. And the fact that I can stand true to myself and be genuine and straight forward every day is enough to get me to sleep at night. If i was standing in your shoes, i'm not sure how i would be able to live with myself. You're fake. You all are. In the long run, childish games will not get you anywhere... and I;m not even sure it will give you the satisfaction you're looking for. And if you think that those games will break me, you're wrong. I'm a resilent person, maybe you didn't know that... but it's about time you learn, before you spend any more time trying to tear me down.
You spit me out. Real fast. I don't know how you shut off your feelings so fast (unless they weren't actually genuine)... but I will never be able to just shut you out like that. And trust me, there have been points when i would have given a limb to do so. I wasted so much time on you. So much precious time... that i should have been using to make new friends and the best out of a new situation. Instead, i was investing in you, and look where that took me. You never gave me any reason to believe that we were on different pages...even after we were over. I continued saying hello, sending friendly smiles, and putting effort into being the friend that i expected from you in return... until i realized that it wasn't being returned. Why? Becuase you're a coward, and deep down you know it. You can't look me in the eye becuase you know how wrong, hurtful, and immature you were. So keep running away... each and every day it makes me lose more and more respect for you. Everything happens for a reason, im the first one to preach it... but as far as I am concerned, you were just a big waste. If anything, you helped remind me what it was like to feel second rate again.
Do you think he knows that you used all of his flaws to glorify yourself? You two are such good friends, and yet you are so quick to shoot him down to make yourself look like a bigger, better person. I see right through that, you know. I never held you in higher esteem than him, and i still don't. And frankly, what you're doing isn't right... and sometimes i wonder if you know this. But you know what, I'm a grownup and I dont have time to teach you right from wrong or take your hand and show you how adult relationships work. So yeah, maybe I'll "talk to you later, sometime" but i can promise you that it will be because you initiated the conversation, because I sure as hell won't.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You of all people shouldn't be on my shit list. Please take the time to remember: I'm not some girl you met three months ago at orientation... I'm your true, genuine, honest to God friend. How dare you treat me like that? How dare you talk about me like i am some kind of burden to be around? How dare you let me drive two hours to make me feel uncomfortable? I didnt go to visit just for the sake of visiting. I visited because I felt bad that we never mended fences over the summer. I visited because I miss you. I visited because I need you in my life. Come thanksgiving, I really don't know where i will stand on the matter, but dont be suprised if i dont give you a call. You watched me eliminate one of the most important things in my life... what makes you think that i can't do it again?
There is it: Everything that sits like a lump in the back of my throat, just dying to come out... I've never liked yelling at people, but I haven't had so much kept inside before...
and so i wonder again: at what point do things get easier?