true revelation
Where has the creativity gone? Why are the nights so full of sleep? Have I lost all creativity? Did i ever have it? I miss seeing 3:00a.m. at a glance. I pulled out Elephant's "Sunlight Makes Me Paranoid" last night and 30 seconds into "Make Up" I realized...i have changed...and it hasn't been in the way i thought so much...I thought that I had grown spiritually and that's what everyone was noticing. Well I have grown in my faith and become more secure and am trying harder to live for God, but that's not it completely...there is so much more i could and should (and now plan on doing) to live for God in a way that gives him more glory than i'm giving him...glory that he deserves fully...but i think what it is, is i've forgotten the love for art...i've lost a creative sense that used to drive me...at the moment i doubt having ever had creativity and i doubt ever having it...i'm confused about where i stand in my talents...and if i'm even standing...i was reminded last night of King Solomon in 1 Kings where it speaks of this what, 1300, proverbs and over a 1000 songs he wrote, he was the wisest man ever to live, because he walked with God and God blessed him...in 1 Kings, it speaks of Solomon being a great botanists, zoologist, theologist, and teacher...queens and kings from peagan kingdoms would come just to listen to him talk, it give the account of the Queen of Shiba coming and after hearing him saying, "i didn't believe how wise you truly were till i came and heard myself, and now that i have praise be to YOUR God." Solomon's wisdom and the way he lived among lost people made people believe and trust in his God, the one true God...that's so amazing! And to think, that God has given me some form of talent, surely not as much as Solomon but still he has given me something and everyone else, and he even lets lost people use it...but how disgraceful it would be to not use it and glorify his name with it...So, last night i realized that I haven't really changed that much spiritually, though this summer was a time where i did have many great revelations and became closer to God than ever bofore, and now i am struggling to stay close and i hope to be prevailing, but i have lost a creative touch that i once had...something God gave me and allowed to me to use it not only in a christian realm which i do and love to do, but also in a secular realm...and i'm so thankful to God for that!!! So, last night i worked and forced myself to write and I did...and i got a few things i'm going to share, it's a confession of lost creativity, two memories, one has to do with smoking, something i don't do anymore but still to recollect helped me to find something i was looking for which was good and sparked me...and also 3 haikus about the desire to be young and innocent again...so...here it is...
"CONFESSION"
I've licked the wounds left by the burning desire for creativity for far too long/
I want to feel agony again, I yearn for excrutiating joy, I desire deep depression/
There are no longer first loves, No longer assorted colors of balloons to raise and lower my spirits/
Now, it has to come from the inside/
I just have to remember how...
"MEMORY #1"
There's an amazing feeling right before a final drag/
A burning sensation on the surface of the index and middle finger/
And that final drag is taken with much caution/
And as you inhale, you increase the heat just to bearable/
Then back away, and watch the last bit of grace exit your mouth/
"MEMORY #2"
Across the table he's slouched in a casual position/
What you don't notice though, is that you my friend, are in the same position/
You drink like him, smoke like him, gesture, and talk like him/
Subconsciencely you believe yourself to be him/
He, is your very own personal Tyler Durden/
And you are nameless/
And you'd have it no other way/
"Three Haikus On Being Young Again"
1. To be young again
Where every love is your first
Where emotions reign
2. To be young again
Where dreams are never untrue
Where only time's false
3. To be young again
Where musical taste are pure
Where people just love
...Well that's what i got and i hope's there's more to come, but till then i praise God for that much...
"CONFESSION"
I've licked the wounds left by the burning desire for creativity for far too long/
I want to feel agony again, I yearn for excrutiating joy, I desire deep depression/
There are no longer first loves, No longer assorted colors of balloons to raise and lower my spirits/
Now, it has to come from the inside/
I just have to remember how...
"MEMORY #1"
There's an amazing feeling right before a final drag/
A burning sensation on the surface of the index and middle finger/
And that final drag is taken with much caution/
And as you inhale, you increase the heat just to bearable/
Then back away, and watch the last bit of grace exit your mouth/
"MEMORY #2"
Across the table he's slouched in a casual position/
What you don't notice though, is that you my friend, are in the same position/
You drink like him, smoke like him, gesture, and talk like him/
Subconsciencely you believe yourself to be him/
He, is your very own personal Tyler Durden/
And you are nameless/
And you'd have it no other way/
"Three Haikus On Being Young Again"
1. To be young again
Where every love is your first
Where emotions reign
2. To be young again
Where dreams are never untrue
Where only time's false
3. To be young again
Where musical taste are pure
Where people just love
...Well that's what i got and i hope's there's more to come, but till then i praise God for that much...