Thursday Thirteen #86 Horror Movie Rules Edition
Greetings, Kittens!
Thank you for all of the comments these last few Thursdays. I usually reply to each and every comment, even if you all don't swing back to read them, but these last few weeks have seen the "chronic" part of my chronic illness and I haven't been up to it. I'm feeling a bit better today, so hopefully that will change!
I've been asked the last two Thursdays if I was going to do another horror movie rules edition. I did two versions last year, one of horror movies rules on my blog, and one on horror movie pet peeves on a group blog. It's was great fun and everyone threw in their own rules in the comments section. I loved it and just couldn't pass up doing the theme again this year. So today I bring you a blended edition of the 13 Horror Movie Rules To Help You Survive.
Enjoy.
13 Horror Movie Lessons ala Xakara
(In Case You Ever Find Yourself In A Horror Movie)
1. Don't Split Up: No, it won't be faster. No, you can't cover more ground that way. Why? Because you can't move or cover ground if you're dead. If you're undead, maybe, but not dead-dead. Just stay together.
2. Evil Uses Racial Profiling: If you're the only Person of Color in the crowd of plucky, yet naughty, white folks you're going to die. Don't bother running, just turn and fight so you can go out with glory.
Exception: The Tech Guy/Occultist Chick. You've been off doing research since the middle of the second act. As long as you don't try to relay the forbidden information over the telephone while you're all alone in the middle of a storm/blackout, you'll survive to nearly die in the sequel.
3. Virginity Saves Lives: If you're the female lead and have been declared a virgin, you now possess the magical "get out of slaughter free card" and will slip the noose to fall into the male lead's arms. Unless of course he's been pressuring you for sex. In that case, he's already dead from his tryst with your slutty best friend after they went off into the woods/by the lake/[insert isolated area here], in Act I.
4. Virginity Kills: If you're anyone but the female lead and a virgin, or you are the lead but have proved to be TSTL, a major ritual sacrifice is in your future. The calvery will ultimately swoop in and prevent the apocalypse, but the virgin still dies.
5. Crows Have It Out For Us...Maybe: Whether guiding the souls of the wrongfully killed back to earth for vengence, or heralding the arrival of the Walking Dude; crows are always a danger sign. But at least they warn you with their cries, so maybe they're trying to help us. However it shakes out, where crows go, a high body count follows. That's just how they roll.
6. It's Fallen, but It Can Get Up: And it will, so don't go check for a pulse if you don't have a weapon. If you do have a weapon, aim for its head and keep shooting or swinging until there's nothing but a misty paste left. Trust me. Anything else and it's curtains for you.
7. If You Build It, It Will Eat You: Your wonderful, disease curing intentions are irrelevant. If you create a creature, especially one with human DNA, it's going to kill you. Not only is it going to kill you, it's going to kill all of your family, all of your friends, all of your collegues, and the girl that says hi to you every day in line at starbucks. However, if the two of you are spending $9 at Starbucks on a daily basis, in the middle of a recession, you both kinda have it coming. Unless of course she's made a cute joke about stimulating the economy, in that case she's totally saved.
8. Rottwielers are Evil: But only if there's a Latin choir chanting ominiously in the background. Otherwise, you're good.
9. Sleep Kills: If you're a teen or twenty-something and you either learn for the first time that a crazed, maniac killer died in your house, or you grew up with the legend of him dying in the neighborhood; on the anniversary of his birth/death/most infamous crime/[insert significant event here], you and your friends are going to die in your sleep. Insomnia is your friend.
10. Sleep Saves Lives: If you and said friends try to avoid your fates by taking caffiene IVs and going on a nodoz diet, you will inevitably collapse and some well-meaning ER attending will sedate you, spelling your doom. It's better to hit the library and check out everything you can on lucid dreaming and battling night terrors so you can learn to become a kick-ass ninja-pirate-spy when you enter REM sleep.
11. Death is Patient, but Douchey: You can avoid your lethal fate by exiting the plane/boat/car/train/other fiery death trap you were expected to be in, and live on for days or even decades. But eventually death/fate will hunt you down and kill you in the most awkward, unnecessary way just to make your obituary an embarrassment.
12. You Saw What You Saw: Your new neighbor/teacher/sheriff/authority figure/pillar of the community, really is a bloodsucking fiend or other psycho killer just like it appeared. No one will believe you. He will find out you told. MOVE.
13. Sometimes Zombies are Fast: So get the hell out of dodge...but don't split up to do it!
Happy Halloween Season, Kittens!
Other Thursday Thirteeners
Thank you for all of the comments these last few Thursdays. I usually reply to each and every comment, even if you all don't swing back to read them, but these last few weeks have seen the "chronic" part of my chronic illness and I haven't been up to it. I'm feeling a bit better today, so hopefully that will change!
I've been asked the last two Thursdays if I was going to do another horror movie rules edition. I did two versions last year, one of horror movies rules on my blog, and one on horror movie pet peeves on a group blog. It's was great fun and everyone threw in their own rules in the comments section. I loved it and just couldn't pass up doing the theme again this year. So today I bring you a blended edition of the 13 Horror Movie Rules To Help You Survive.
Enjoy.
13 Horror Movie Lessons ala Xakara
(In Case You Ever Find Yourself In A Horror Movie)
1. Don't Split Up: No, it won't be faster. No, you can't cover more ground that way. Why? Because you can't move or cover ground if you're dead. If you're undead, maybe, but not dead-dead. Just stay together.
2. Evil Uses Racial Profiling: If you're the only Person of Color in the crowd of plucky, yet naughty, white folks you're going to die. Don't bother running, just turn and fight so you can go out with glory.
Exception: The Tech Guy/Occultist Chick. You've been off doing research since the middle of the second act. As long as you don't try to relay the forbidden information over the telephone while you're all alone in the middle of a storm/blackout, you'll survive to nearly die in the sequel.
3. Virginity Saves Lives: If you're the female lead and have been declared a virgin, you now possess the magical "get out of slaughter free card" and will slip the noose to fall into the male lead's arms. Unless of course he's been pressuring you for sex. In that case, he's already dead from his tryst with your slutty best friend after they went off into the woods/by the lake/[insert isolated area here], in Act I.
4. Virginity Kills: If you're anyone but the female lead and a virgin, or you are the lead but have proved to be TSTL, a major ritual sacrifice is in your future. The calvery will ultimately swoop in and prevent the apocalypse, but the virgin still dies.
5. Crows Have It Out For Us...Maybe: Whether guiding the souls of the wrongfully killed back to earth for vengence, or heralding the arrival of the Walking Dude; crows are always a danger sign. But at least they warn you with their cries, so maybe they're trying to help us. However it shakes out, where crows go, a high body count follows. That's just how they roll.
6. It's Fallen, but It Can Get Up: And it will, so don't go check for a pulse if you don't have a weapon. If you do have a weapon, aim for its head and keep shooting or swinging until there's nothing but a misty paste left. Trust me. Anything else and it's curtains for you.
7. If You Build It, It Will Eat You: Your wonderful, disease curing intentions are irrelevant. If you create a creature, especially one with human DNA, it's going to kill you. Not only is it going to kill you, it's going to kill all of your family, all of your friends, all of your collegues, and the girl that says hi to you every day in line at starbucks. However, if the two of you are spending $9 at Starbucks on a daily basis, in the middle of a recession, you both kinda have it coming. Unless of course she's made a cute joke about stimulating the economy, in that case she's totally saved.
8. Rottwielers are Evil: But only if there's a Latin choir chanting ominiously in the background. Otherwise, you're good.
9. Sleep Kills: If you're a teen or twenty-something and you either learn for the first time that a crazed, maniac killer died in your house, or you grew up with the legend of him dying in the neighborhood; on the anniversary of his birth/death/most infamous crime/[insert significant event here], you and your friends are going to die in your sleep. Insomnia is your friend.
10. Sleep Saves Lives: If you and said friends try to avoid your fates by taking caffiene IVs and going on a nodoz diet, you will inevitably collapse and some well-meaning ER attending will sedate you, spelling your doom. It's better to hit the library and check out everything you can on lucid dreaming and battling night terrors so you can learn to become a kick-ass ninja-pirate-spy when you enter REM sleep.
11. Death is Patient, but Douchey: You can avoid your lethal fate by exiting the plane/boat/car/train/other fiery death trap you were expected to be in, and live on for days or even decades. But eventually death/fate will hunt you down and kill you in the most awkward, unnecessary way just to make your obituary an embarrassment.
12. You Saw What You Saw: Your new neighbor/teacher/sheriff/authority figure/pillar of the community, really is a bloodsucking fiend or other psycho killer just like it appeared. No one will believe you. He will find out you told. MOVE.
13. Sometimes Zombies are Fast: So get the hell out of dodge...but don't split up to do it!
Happy Halloween Season, Kittens!
Other Thursday Thirteeners