(no subject)
1/24/05
Alot on my mind today...everything seems to be setting me off.
I started a poem....god only knows if I'll finish it.....but heres like 2 sentences:
Its hard to see whats going on but cant reach out far enough to stop it...
To see the people you love slowly fading from your life.
Knowing that no matter what you say could ever effect that special person.
make that 3 senteces but you can count....
Ive spent alot of time thinking and thinking....I know how i feel but i just cant get the words out uncomplicated... I want to stop this hurt inside...Id do anything to make it go away. Theres just soo much affecting me....no one knows.....I dont even know half the time. I want to correct my past.. and make everything obsolete. why must it feel like everything ive ever done is wrong.....I feel as if im stuck in the past....I cant get ahead of my thoughts. They still haunt me,I think they always will.........My medication hasnt been working very well either.....im just about on the highest ,strongest dose avaiable.....might end up on a mood stabilizer ; ( ......times i think "Am I crazy?" "There must be some serious problem with me"
The only purpose I exsist for is my baby girl. I can't leave her....i could never. She needs me and i know it... I know theres not much to look forward to in the future but she deserves a better life than ive had. I want to make things right for her..... and her only.......
I think the thing most bothering me is about my once close friend. She's been here for me since 7th grade. Now shes almost gone from my life. With occasional calls and chats at school.....but thats all. No one can imagine how close we once were. I dont think she realizes how far away we are now.....its hurts so badly...when ever i bring it up to her, its like she ackowledges it but pushes it away in order for it not to bother her. Oh man its soo frustrating.... and another thing...when i do bring up things liek this to her she gets all pushy and throws the past in my face....then she rejects me.....avoids me... She's changed soo much. From that darling shy girl, afraid but willing to go out of her way to help, but now...its soo hard to tell how she is. She's not even the same person. And lets say well owe it all to her boyfriend. Dont get me wrong...hes a great guy and I respect him. But in a way i hate him because its as if hes taken my girl and she wont come back. It hurts so badly... i know i cant bring it up to her or itd be the end, I know i'd say fuck it all....good bye....Im just so stuck... I know she may not seem like sucha good friend....but really she used to be... What we had was special and ill never let that go...Ill never forget how things used to be. I don't want to ever let her go but it seems likeits too late to grab her hand...
All of this ont add up to a quarter of the stuff thats haunting me....bothering and restraining me..
I feel like im losing a part of me. My baby is so big. watching her grow....all this time....its hard....i feel like i dont know her....I dont know her wants and needs anymore...I cant tell.... Shes so beautiful..i dont know what to do anymore... I want to give her a future she deserves. Im quite afraid of the future....what im going to do in the next few years... whats going to happen..I know I can only take things day by day but i cant help but wonder.. the "what ifs".... I love her so much. I want the best and more for her.
Then comes the guys..... Theres quite a few guys in my life right now....not sure what to do. I know i feel quite differenlty about each one and they all mean so much to me. They are basically what is keeping me from falling apart right now. I guess ill just say a few words about each...maybe its what i need to do.
First off: Brett:......my main man, haha.....::sighs:: oh man....he means soo much to me... hes great he has such a big heart. with big dreams and wishes. i know so much about him.. but its so hard to say.. He holds the key to my heart.
Cory: Man what a fun guy he is. Ive got alot to learn from him .... Id give everything i hold dear to see him happy. I can see the person he is on the inside...I just wish hed be willing to let him out.
Eric: heh what to say,.......Ive crazily fallen for him...ive never forgotten the first day we met...... never will.. i hold himdear to my heart.
James: wow... ive known him for about a year now and wow....have i gotten to know him. I sware hes the most sensable guy ive met. He always has this smile on his face and always has something good to say....Hes sucha good person. I hope he finds his perfect woman soon.
Aneudy: that snooty aneudy...lol.....he made math class fun for me. hehe, His tough exterior he shows by pushing ppl away..... it seems there is a caring side to him.. theres just something about him. I cant quite put my finger on it but i know hes really a great guy.
Steve: he doesnt know this but i reall really like him. I could never see me having that kind of relationshop but hell hes a great friend. My sexy Jock man. So quiet sometimes and loud at others,...sometimes i dont get him but i guess thats guys for yah.
All of these guys,I will hold a special place in my heart for. I will always love them. Not one can imagine how i feel for them. How special each one is and how much eachone has contributed to my life.<3 you guys...
theres a few other people....you know who you are.... you might just be the person reading this.
I miss all of my buddys... everyone has gone thier own ways. it hurts... alot....but things change..... No one bothers....to call..or do anything with me....is it something about me people hate?.....Im clueless...
Life is like a child with a cookie....as the child walks around...the cookie crumbles and crumbs are scattered.. the crumbs are things...said and done....old friends...the past.
I think im pretty much done for now. Its about all I can type tonight. If you made it this far ..well I applaud you for reading .... until next time.....*muah*
"And I'm just standin' there, I can't say a word
'Cause everythin's just gone
I've got nothin'
Absolutely nothin' "