(no subject)
I want to start off by saying:
If you haven't gone through what I'm going through right now, I hope you never have to.
The last three and a half months have been horrible for my family. In June, we lost my Aunt Janet after her battle with cancer. In August, my cousin Ryan was killed in Iraq by enemy fire. Now, my grandma is dying.
Last night was so hard. Even trying to describe it is tough. I walked into my grandparents' house with my mom at 9ish. My grandpa, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Karen were there. In the living room, they have my grandma set up on a hospital bed. (not that she wasn't before, but now it's all the time) She has oxygen on, she rarely opens her eyes, and she's doesn't really talk. We all thought she had been 'waiting' for my mom and me.. but we've figured out that she's 'waiting' for my Uncle Lyle. He's stopping by tonight, so who knows what's going to happen...
I've told her everything I could think to tell her before I started crying (and that was the second try). She said "I love you" to me, though, I'm not sure she knows it was me.
Thusfar (in my life), I've never cried so much.
Today has been okay.. I only cried once and that was more anger towards my aunts and mother than anything else. I can't believe that with everything that's going on, they're still holding the grudge against each other.
My family is split (not my aunts..) and it's always been evident. Karen brought that up today and went on to say that in regards to pictures, there aren't many with her kids because my grandma never went to any special function/occasions (graduation, weddings, etc.) for them. I had to walk away because I almost started screaming and hitting things. (oh, yes, I control my feelings.. not)
(::RANT::)
Granted I get to come up here every summer, I've never been able to share any 'special moments' with my grandmother. I'm only 16 years old. I'm the youngest grandchild... and I'm really the only one there with my aunts. SIXTEEN. I'm handling this the best that I can. My aunt has the nerve to say that they don't have pictures of her kids with my grandma. I've had nothing with her. Yes, I have pictures of and with her. She's not going to get to see my graduation. I'm not even going to be able to send her pictures from my graduation. She's never seen me do the things I love. She's never seen me swim. She's never seen me play volleyball. She's never seen me with my friends. Karen said that out of everything, my grandma went to "maybe 4 ballgames". You know what!? four happens to be alot more than none. NONE. I love my grandmother so much. This is killing me. I can not handle my aunts/mother being so petty about things. I guess it's not really my mom.. she doesn't really say anything. My aunts.. they just clash. It's not fair. I don't want her to die.. and I don't care if that's selfish. I know we got two and a half years that we weren't sure we were going to get. I know that. She beat that 6- to 9-month limit they gave her when she was diagnosed.. but it hurts.
I hate this. It's not making me stronger (at least, I can't see it as that now). It's horrible- absolutely horrible.
If you haven't gone through what I'm going through right now, I hope you never have to.
The last three and a half months have been horrible for my family. In June, we lost my Aunt Janet after her battle with cancer. In August, my cousin Ryan was killed in Iraq by enemy fire. Now, my grandma is dying.
Last night was so hard. Even trying to describe it is tough. I walked into my grandparents' house with my mom at 9ish. My grandpa, Aunt Linda, and Aunt Karen were there. In the living room, they have my grandma set up on a hospital bed. (not that she wasn't before, but now it's all the time) She has oxygen on, she rarely opens her eyes, and she's doesn't really talk. We all thought she had been 'waiting' for my mom and me.. but we've figured out that she's 'waiting' for my Uncle Lyle. He's stopping by tonight, so who knows what's going to happen...
I've told her everything I could think to tell her before I started crying (and that was the second try). She said "I love you" to me, though, I'm not sure she knows it was me.
Thusfar (in my life), I've never cried so much.
Today has been okay.. I only cried once and that was more anger towards my aunts and mother than anything else. I can't believe that with everything that's going on, they're still holding the grudge against each other.
My family is split (not my aunts..) and it's always been evident. Karen brought that up today and went on to say that in regards to pictures, there aren't many with her kids because my grandma never went to any special function/occasions (graduation, weddings, etc.) for them. I had to walk away because I almost started screaming and hitting things. (oh, yes, I control my feelings.. not)
(::RANT::)
Granted I get to come up here every summer, I've never been able to share any 'special moments' with my grandmother. I'm only 16 years old. I'm the youngest grandchild... and I'm really the only one there with my aunts. SIXTEEN. I'm handling this the best that I can. My aunt has the nerve to say that they don't have pictures of her kids with my grandma. I've had nothing with her. Yes, I have pictures of and with her. She's not going to get to see my graduation. I'm not even going to be able to send her pictures from my graduation. She's never seen me do the things I love. She's never seen me swim. She's never seen me play volleyball. She's never seen me with my friends. Karen said that out of everything, my grandma went to "maybe 4 ballgames". You know what!? four happens to be alot more than none. NONE. I love my grandmother so much. This is killing me. I can not handle my aunts/mother being so petty about things. I guess it's not really my mom.. she doesn't really say anything. My aunts.. they just clash. It's not fair. I don't want her to die.. and I don't care if that's selfish. I know we got two and a half years that we weren't sure we were going to get. I know that. She beat that 6- to 9-month limit they gave her when she was diagnosed.. but it hurts.
I hate this. It's not making me stronger (at least, I can't see it as that now). It's horrible- absolutely horrible.