(no subject)
i never do this thing. i was just reading last time i updated and it was like last year before i fucked things up and everything went to hell. people dont ever get real second chances. you can pretend. you can try. but you still did whatever you did in the first place. nothing ever actually changes and you really cant expect it to. 'second chance' really kind of just means grovel until you realize that one of you wont ever get over whats happened in the past and your heart breaks all over again and everything is worse than it was before. you cant undo the hurt or pain you caused someone. and you cant ever really fix it. no matter how badly you want to or how much you try. it doesnt matter. nothing matters. people protect themselves however they know how to and most of the time it ends up hurting someone else. and most of the time that someone else is the person youre protecting yourself from.
for example: im still in love with the boy i was in love with in the last time i posted in this. two summers ago. it wasnt the same boy i was supposed to be with. he didnt know it then, he doesnt know it now. i dont think he cares now. or he might, but hes trying hard enough not to that hes convincing me. hes not the boy i was supposed to be in love with. he was my pretty literal knight in shining armour. only substitute the armour for an old tan chevy truck. i got my ass saved by this boy on a regular basis. and me being the independant bitch i am couldnt just accept that and admit that i fell for him. instead i ran away. over and over again. and again. and again. and every chance he gave me i threw back in his face because i was terrified of needing someone so much. of relying on someone so much. i only ever rely on myself. and there he was. saving my ass. being there for me. treating me like i was special. why is it impossible for me to trust people? and now he shows back up and ive realized that hes all i really want. and all i could ever want. and its like when im with him, the world makes sense for a little while. and i feel like everything is okay. and im so sorry it took me this long to figure that out. to realize that. because im pretty sure it took me too long. because who in their right mind goes back to the abusive asshole over the prince? in real life the prince cant be expected to wait for the dumbass girl to figure her shit out. someone else will figure out how incredible he is and why would he want to go back to the girl who threw his heart in his face all those times when he doesnt have to. i just miss him. more than i care to admit to myself. and i have no idea how he feels or what he wants. i know hell have sex with me. but is that it? who knows. i wouldnt blame him. i would probably hate myself. were so far away from who we used to be. i just dont know what to do anymore. i lie to myself all the time about being okay with just sex or 'boyfriend for a night' but its not true. when people ask me if im his girlfriend now, i want to be able to say yes. or something. i dont want him to walk away and me to just be wishing. i dont want to sit here waiting for my phone to go off and hope that its finally him. i want him to WANT to talk to me. or want to see me. or want to be with me. or want to love me. i want him to love me.
but like i said before, second chances are a joke, right?
for example: im still in love with the boy i was in love with in the last time i posted in this. two summers ago. it wasnt the same boy i was supposed to be with. he didnt know it then, he doesnt know it now. i dont think he cares now. or he might, but hes trying hard enough not to that hes convincing me. hes not the boy i was supposed to be in love with. he was my pretty literal knight in shining armour. only substitute the armour for an old tan chevy truck. i got my ass saved by this boy on a regular basis. and me being the independant bitch i am couldnt just accept that and admit that i fell for him. instead i ran away. over and over again. and again. and again. and every chance he gave me i threw back in his face because i was terrified of needing someone so much. of relying on someone so much. i only ever rely on myself. and there he was. saving my ass. being there for me. treating me like i was special. why is it impossible for me to trust people? and now he shows back up and ive realized that hes all i really want. and all i could ever want. and its like when im with him, the world makes sense for a little while. and i feel like everything is okay. and im so sorry it took me this long to figure that out. to realize that. because im pretty sure it took me too long. because who in their right mind goes back to the abusive asshole over the prince? in real life the prince cant be expected to wait for the dumbass girl to figure her shit out. someone else will figure out how incredible he is and why would he want to go back to the girl who threw his heart in his face all those times when he doesnt have to. i just miss him. more than i care to admit to myself. and i have no idea how he feels or what he wants. i know hell have sex with me. but is that it? who knows. i wouldnt blame him. i would probably hate myself. were so far away from who we used to be. i just dont know what to do anymore. i lie to myself all the time about being okay with just sex or 'boyfriend for a night' but its not true. when people ask me if im his girlfriend now, i want to be able to say yes. or something. i dont want him to walk away and me to just be wishing. i dont want to sit here waiting for my phone to go off and hope that its finally him. i want him to WANT to talk to me. or want to see me. or want to be with me. or want to love me. i want him to love me.
but like i said before, second chances are a joke, right?