(no subject)
I have all the time in the world, yet I feel like I am forcing this. I've applied for many jobs, some of which I don't even know what I'm applying for. I've been doing nothing, my head has been reeling, yet I am lazy as fucking ever. It doesn't seem as anything I want to say is worth it, not for myself or anyone else. The first year is done, but I'm not sure if my $4000 bought be any new knowledge. I don't feel like I've bettered as a writer, student, person. It just seems like I've gotten more lazy, more in debt, and less hygienic.
I'm sick of trying to be convinced otherwise. People say that it's good to listen to your gut, but the same people also say to listen to your Mother. I am good at judging when I know I have something to do, and I know this is something I have to do. Successful or not, heartbreak or not, I need to do this. I need to have his face on our pillow. I need his piss in our toilet. I need to eat his dinners in our kitchen. I need to nap with him on our couch in our living room. I need his body in our apartment.
And if he backs out, we'll just call this a fantasy. Or perhaps a story that I will submit and claim as fiction. I'm sick of fucking fiction already.
I'm sick of trying to be convinced otherwise. People say that it's good to listen to your gut, but the same people also say to listen to your Mother. I am good at judging when I know I have something to do, and I know this is something I have to do. Successful or not, heartbreak or not, I need to do this. I need to have his face on our pillow. I need his piss in our toilet. I need to eat his dinners in our kitchen. I need to nap with him on our couch in our living room. I need his body in our apartment.
And if he backs out, we'll just call this a fantasy. Or perhaps a story that I will submit and claim as fiction. I'm sick of fucking fiction already.