[What Doesn't Kill You Only Makes You Stranger...]
At 5 minutes to twelve, my Mum and I stood on the Esplanade swigging from a bottle of Cava and watching fireworks explode across the river. They lit up the clouds like lightening and exploded in showers across the roads and the water. There was a strange moment just before midnight, just before the end of this year, when the world held still - there were no cars and the air was empty, like it wasn't expecting to find us moving through it... It was eerie and calm and very kool. And then the world exploded back into movement with a shout and a spark.
My romantic side felt a kinship with people, the hundreds of thousands of people celebrating in that one single moment, and an odd contentment that comes with a knowledge that things can get better.
My cynical side saw the flash and boom of bombs and all those who are alone. That's the side that looked at Jesus on the wall of the church on Christmas Eve, and the single flickering candle of someone's grief, and felt faith to be a brutal and lonely thing.
Last year... I only really remember discontent. I don't even remember what I did. New Years for most of my life has consisted of a vague haze of going to Granda's and watching tv, snuggled up warm with the oldies. Now the living room where our family sat comfortable and safe is someone elses - some other family watches the fireworks from the big window and shouts Happy New Year from the steps.
The only New Year I remember with real clarity is the one when we had the party... When my house was filled with people and my parents loitered in the kitchen chatting to shitfaced teenagers and Puggs played the bagpipes in my garden. That was a good year... Man, how long ago was that?
I feel old. But not really the bad kind of old - like I'm grown up enough to know that I have so much left to do. I've got enough wisdom to have an idea of how to go about it and enough naivete and romantic innocence to believe that all my dreams can come true... that everything will be alright.
Last year I was miserable because I was stuck and I felt like I would never escape.
This year I feel like I'm working towards something, like I've got somewhere to go and even though the journey may suck at times, when I get there it is going to be awesome. I'm going to be free. And I'm going to be okay.
Maybe we'll all be alright?
Happy New Year.
+_+
My romantic side felt a kinship with people, the hundreds of thousands of people celebrating in that one single moment, and an odd contentment that comes with a knowledge that things can get better.
My cynical side saw the flash and boom of bombs and all those who are alone. That's the side that looked at Jesus on the wall of the church on Christmas Eve, and the single flickering candle of someone's grief, and felt faith to be a brutal and lonely thing.
Last year... I only really remember discontent. I don't even remember what I did. New Years for most of my life has consisted of a vague haze of going to Granda's and watching tv, snuggled up warm with the oldies. Now the living room where our family sat comfortable and safe is someone elses - some other family watches the fireworks from the big window and shouts Happy New Year from the steps.
The only New Year I remember with real clarity is the one when we had the party... When my house was filled with people and my parents loitered in the kitchen chatting to shitfaced teenagers and Puggs played the bagpipes in my garden. That was a good year... Man, how long ago was that?
I feel old. But not really the bad kind of old - like I'm grown up enough to know that I have so much left to do. I've got enough wisdom to have an idea of how to go about it and enough naivete and romantic innocence to believe that all my dreams can come true... that everything will be alright.
Last year I was miserable because I was stuck and I felt like I would never escape.
This year I feel like I'm working towards something, like I've got somewhere to go and even though the journey may suck at times, when I get there it is going to be awesome. I'm going to be free. And I'm going to be okay.
Maybe we'll all be alright?
Happy New Year.
+_+