(no subject)
Seeing as I haven't updated in a while, and I feel the need to get some things down, i figure why the hell not, lets give livejournal another go.
Things are going fantastically. Ever since I got back from Cuba, my life has done a total 180. I am feeling so much better! I was in such a drag for so many months, and i am so happy that its finally over. i dont know exactly what or who it was that made me feel better, but on the last day of the trip i was lying on the beach listening to wish you were here, and normally when i listen to that album and that particular song, i think about tony and how much i miss him. and this time, i lay there thinking that this trip could not have been more perfect, it could not have been exactly what i needed any more than it was, and i did not wish to have anyone there. for the first time in months, i was happy, genuinely happy. and this feeling has been back since cuba.. i have gone back to being my old self! now when i say old self, i dont mean the stupid and naive girl that i used to be who goes from guy to guy to guy, but the girl who is happy, who is satisfied with her life, who doesnt settle for anything, who has high standards, and who easy to please but not easy to fool. I do not want to be in a relationship right now no longer because i am not ready, but just because im too busy being me, im too busy being who i am without someone else attached to that. and i love it. i love how people see me for who i really am now, that i dont have to make up excuses for being depressed. i cant believe that i used to make up excuses for being depressed. i cant believe how depressed i was and for how long. its really depressing to think about that (haha).
So yeah, i havent spoken to tony in more than a month. and im actually seriously grateful for it. i mean, i want him to be able to come to the realizations that i have come to- i want him to be as happy as i am, i want him to be able to seriously look at himself apart from everyone else and be happy with what he sees. and i know that he can do this. i want him to be able to do this without having me in his life. whats funny is that he told me before that i needed to get over him, that i needed to move on, and while i do still miss him and care about him and wonder about him, im no longer pining after him and thinking that there is no meaning to a life without him. which is amazing. i know that it sounds stupid, but i was seriously attached. i dont know whats going through his head, i dont even know what he does most of the time since i have stopped asking jess about him. but i hope that in whatever he is doing he finds peace, he finds happiness. i hope that he finds something to do with his life, as i have, that gives him joy.
cuts for cancer was phenomenal. i cant even begin to describe how perfect the day was. we raised over 23 thousand dollars and had 193 hair donations. and money and hair are still coming in! not to mention that UBC and Queens are still going! i know that i am not directly a part of those two sites, but it still gives me such job knowing that im a part of this as a whole. knowing that the cause that i believe in, the one cause that i have actually supported, is taking flight and acheiveing national support and recognition gives me such a happiness i cannot begin to describe. this is how i know that this is what i was meant to do... to give so much of myself to a cause, to an event, and to watch it take flight, involve others and be tremendously successful just gives me that upper that nothing else can. I know that this is what i want to do! I am going to finish my years at u of t because if i didnt then my parents would murder me, and then i am going to go to george brown (maybe, i havent looked into other toronto-based programs) for event planning! my eventual goal is to plan an event so large- something like the junos, or the grammy's... something that people will know me for. this is what i want to do! i love it!
there are no real boys that are a part of my life right now in terms of a relationship. i was supposed to go on a date this past monday, but i got out of it because i got invited to go see lord of the rings with noah! and there will not be a rescheduling because this guy is kinda dumb. oh well. i like being single, and i like it how im not depending on anyone else. my friends are simply fantastic! noah, dan and jess are lifesavers. not to mention jay! he and his parents have invited me down to LA at the end of the month to go to Jay's aepi formal, and his parents are paying for it! Laurie and Doron are like a secong family to me, and i really hope that i get to spend some time with them while im down there. jay is adament that i will spend all of my time with him, but i think that he is being really selfish, especially considering that his parents are paying for me to come down in the first place! if i dont spend some time with them its really rather rude. therefore, i hope that he arranges for me to spend some time with them so that i dont have to yell at him when i get there. i still cant believe that im going to LA.
i really need a job. i have like 50 bucks in my bank account. its really not good. i cant go out for anything anymore. im actually resolving that until i have some sort of steady income not to go out for anything at all. yay for no money.
there are still times that i relapse into depressed-mode and think about tony. while those times are few and far between, they still happen, and they are just as intense as they always were. i wonder if i will ever be that happy again, i wonder if i will ever meet someone who does the same for me that he does. now that i am open again for something new, i wonder if i will get hurt. i wonder how things are going to pan out for me. i wonder if things are going to end up just as i would like them to.
oh, and as a sidenote, im not kosher anymore. bring on the burgers!
Things are going fantastically. Ever since I got back from Cuba, my life has done a total 180. I am feeling so much better! I was in such a drag for so many months, and i am so happy that its finally over. i dont know exactly what or who it was that made me feel better, but on the last day of the trip i was lying on the beach listening to wish you were here, and normally when i listen to that album and that particular song, i think about tony and how much i miss him. and this time, i lay there thinking that this trip could not have been more perfect, it could not have been exactly what i needed any more than it was, and i did not wish to have anyone there. for the first time in months, i was happy, genuinely happy. and this feeling has been back since cuba.. i have gone back to being my old self! now when i say old self, i dont mean the stupid and naive girl that i used to be who goes from guy to guy to guy, but the girl who is happy, who is satisfied with her life, who doesnt settle for anything, who has high standards, and who easy to please but not easy to fool. I do not want to be in a relationship right now no longer because i am not ready, but just because im too busy being me, im too busy being who i am without someone else attached to that. and i love it. i love how people see me for who i really am now, that i dont have to make up excuses for being depressed. i cant believe that i used to make up excuses for being depressed. i cant believe how depressed i was and for how long. its really depressing to think about that (haha).
So yeah, i havent spoken to tony in more than a month. and im actually seriously grateful for it. i mean, i want him to be able to come to the realizations that i have come to- i want him to be as happy as i am, i want him to be able to seriously look at himself apart from everyone else and be happy with what he sees. and i know that he can do this. i want him to be able to do this without having me in his life. whats funny is that he told me before that i needed to get over him, that i needed to move on, and while i do still miss him and care about him and wonder about him, im no longer pining after him and thinking that there is no meaning to a life without him. which is amazing. i know that it sounds stupid, but i was seriously attached. i dont know whats going through his head, i dont even know what he does most of the time since i have stopped asking jess about him. but i hope that in whatever he is doing he finds peace, he finds happiness. i hope that he finds something to do with his life, as i have, that gives him joy.
cuts for cancer was phenomenal. i cant even begin to describe how perfect the day was. we raised over 23 thousand dollars and had 193 hair donations. and money and hair are still coming in! not to mention that UBC and Queens are still going! i know that i am not directly a part of those two sites, but it still gives me such job knowing that im a part of this as a whole. knowing that the cause that i believe in, the one cause that i have actually supported, is taking flight and acheiveing national support and recognition gives me such a happiness i cannot begin to describe. this is how i know that this is what i was meant to do... to give so much of myself to a cause, to an event, and to watch it take flight, involve others and be tremendously successful just gives me that upper that nothing else can. I know that this is what i want to do! I am going to finish my years at u of t because if i didnt then my parents would murder me, and then i am going to go to george brown (maybe, i havent looked into other toronto-based programs) for event planning! my eventual goal is to plan an event so large- something like the junos, or the grammy's... something that people will know me for. this is what i want to do! i love it!
there are no real boys that are a part of my life right now in terms of a relationship. i was supposed to go on a date this past monday, but i got out of it because i got invited to go see lord of the rings with noah! and there will not be a rescheduling because this guy is kinda dumb. oh well. i like being single, and i like it how im not depending on anyone else. my friends are simply fantastic! noah, dan and jess are lifesavers. not to mention jay! he and his parents have invited me down to LA at the end of the month to go to Jay's aepi formal, and his parents are paying for it! Laurie and Doron are like a secong family to me, and i really hope that i get to spend some time with them while im down there. jay is adament that i will spend all of my time with him, but i think that he is being really selfish, especially considering that his parents are paying for me to come down in the first place! if i dont spend some time with them its really rather rude. therefore, i hope that he arranges for me to spend some time with them so that i dont have to yell at him when i get there. i still cant believe that im going to LA.
i really need a job. i have like 50 bucks in my bank account. its really not good. i cant go out for anything anymore. im actually resolving that until i have some sort of steady income not to go out for anything at all. yay for no money.
there are still times that i relapse into depressed-mode and think about tony. while those times are few and far between, they still happen, and they are just as intense as they always were. i wonder if i will ever be that happy again, i wonder if i will ever meet someone who does the same for me that he does. now that i am open again for something new, i wonder if i will get hurt. i wonder how things are going to pan out for me. i wonder if things are going to end up just as i would like them to.
oh, and as a sidenote, im not kosher anymore. bring on the burgers!