(no subject)
just a quick update before i jump into bed.. i feel like typing for some reason.
things are going well. i went on a date last nite with a guy named dan revich who is a brother of aepi at u of t. it was really nice! lol i havent been on a date in the longest time, but it was nice anyways. he's a great guy, very interesting, and we chilled at insomnia for like two hours. it was nice. he paid for the bill and everything, like a great gentleman. lol and he invited me back to the frat house.. hes a bit eager i would say.. and he tried to kiss me - he got my chin lol... i feel bad for him and for like all men who are interested in me because i honestly would like to be able to move on and find a decent guy that i can be with, but i guess in my head none of those guys will ever be tony so whats the point in looking when youve already found the guy that you want to be with?
jess told me today that tony thinks that he might have depression. hes failing school, and thats a for sure thing.. which means that in a few months he could be out of toronto, or he could be at another school... or something worse could happen.. i dont know... all i know is that it just seems to me like he is at an extremely low point in his life and i wish that there was more that i could do for him, i wish that i could be there for him to hold him at night and tell him that everything is going to be okay... and i wish that i could be there in the morning to make sure that he got his ass out of bed and to school... i wish that he would let me be there more than i am... im hoping to get something started again soon, because im going to be getting my cartilidge peirced again and he said that he would come, so im planning on fully taking advantage of the fact that im a pussy when it comes to pain so i need to grab his hand at like the last second and then just hold it really tight for a really long time.. and im hoping that will bring some memories back to him and then he'll remember me and how much he loves me... i think what scares me most and yet at the same time not at all is that i could be the underlying cause of his "depression" (saying it like that because it hasnt been categorized yet) and im so scared that he will come to me and tell me that he still feels somethingfor me.. i think that im afraid because of how badly i want that to happen and how much i know that it probably wont and i have to stop getting my hopes up all the time because its getting to the point where its actually pathetic and i would so love to be able to say that i was able to move on and that i wanted to move on but deep down inside i know that i still care about him and that i always will and that it doesnt matter how much time passes or how much we change but in the end, if we are both best friends with jess and have stopped talking to each other than one day she will set us up again and we will remember how much love we have for each other and how much we regret losing all of that time together and i think what scares me most of all in this whole situation is that here i am, being the person that i am, someone who has never stayed interested in a single person for more than a few months at a time, and its more than a year later and im still thinking about him nearly every moment of every day, overanalyzing everything that he does and says, fantasizing over the life that i hope for us to share one day and just thinking about how much i love his despite all of the emotional torment that these few months have put us through.... ive been thinking so much about showing up at the major house to get the plant back, re-pot it and give it to tony... but i will only do that once ive got confirmation that he still likes me, otherwise ill just be making a fool out of myself...
things are going well. i went on a date last nite with a guy named dan revich who is a brother of aepi at u of t. it was really nice! lol i havent been on a date in the longest time, but it was nice anyways. he's a great guy, very interesting, and we chilled at insomnia for like two hours. it was nice. he paid for the bill and everything, like a great gentleman. lol and he invited me back to the frat house.. hes a bit eager i would say.. and he tried to kiss me - he got my chin lol... i feel bad for him and for like all men who are interested in me because i honestly would like to be able to move on and find a decent guy that i can be with, but i guess in my head none of those guys will ever be tony so whats the point in looking when youve already found the guy that you want to be with?
jess told me today that tony thinks that he might have depression. hes failing school, and thats a for sure thing.. which means that in a few months he could be out of toronto, or he could be at another school... or something worse could happen.. i dont know... all i know is that it just seems to me like he is at an extremely low point in his life and i wish that there was more that i could do for him, i wish that i could be there for him to hold him at night and tell him that everything is going to be okay... and i wish that i could be there in the morning to make sure that he got his ass out of bed and to school... i wish that he would let me be there more than i am... im hoping to get something started again soon, because im going to be getting my cartilidge peirced again and he said that he would come, so im planning on fully taking advantage of the fact that im a pussy when it comes to pain so i need to grab his hand at like the last second and then just hold it really tight for a really long time.. and im hoping that will bring some memories back to him and then he'll remember me and how much he loves me... i think what scares me most and yet at the same time not at all is that i could be the underlying cause of his "depression" (saying it like that because it hasnt been categorized yet) and im so scared that he will come to me and tell me that he still feels somethingfor me.. i think that im afraid because of how badly i want that to happen and how much i know that it probably wont and i have to stop getting my hopes up all the time because its getting to the point where its actually pathetic and i would so love to be able to say that i was able to move on and that i wanted to move on but deep down inside i know that i still care about him and that i always will and that it doesnt matter how much time passes or how much we change but in the end, if we are both best friends with jess and have stopped talking to each other than one day she will set us up again and we will remember how much love we have for each other and how much we regret losing all of that time together and i think what scares me most of all in this whole situation is that here i am, being the person that i am, someone who has never stayed interested in a single person for more than a few months at a time, and its more than a year later and im still thinking about him nearly every moment of every day, overanalyzing everything that he does and says, fantasizing over the life that i hope for us to share one day and just thinking about how much i love his despite all of the emotional torment that these few months have put us through.... ive been thinking so much about showing up at the major house to get the plant back, re-pot it and give it to tony... but i will only do that once ive got confirmation that he still likes me, otherwise ill just be making a fool out of myself...