Jun 17, 2007 21:37
Okay so I haven't updated my LJ in quite a while but I just really need to let some stuff out so erm soo yeah... This post is probably going to be full of stupid ramblings which don't really matter. It's just that my mind is seriously like a roller coaster... There are sooooooooo many thoughts going through my head and sometimes I just need someone that I can let it all out to without feeling like a burden, but I've never found that someone so all the things I've been feeling for well, years now have just piled up one after the other and right now I just feel like I'm gonna burst.
On the outside, I have no idea what people see me as but whatever it is, it can't be good.
When I was little I guess I was always that kid who used to run around from one group to another trying to fit in, ya know... and up until the sixth grade I never actually had a fixed group of friends. Then I made friends with someone and i felt normal you know. Because everyone always had one best friend who they were always with and I always wanted to know what it was like. And anyways me and this other friend were basically inseparable and we were for about two years... and then we got put into different classes and she made new friends and well, I didn't... and what I couldn't stand was going to school in the morning or during break hearing these friends discuss where they'd go on the weekend but I'd never get asked to go... or if somehow someone would ask me to go, my well ex-friend would come telling me that wherever we were going was cancelled. And then on Monday morning I'd go to school having to find out that they did go out, and what fun they had and whatever.
And that's when I started to believe that there was something different about me.I was back to running around from one group to another again and all I could keep asking myself was "What do I keep doing wrong!?" I still haven't got my answer to that question. Anyways so now I'm basically in a group of friends at school and I thought I was okay with them. But you know all the planning of going out and no being told about it still happens. And when someone doesn't have their best friend there with them then I'm actually taken notice of.
But what I seriously cannot stand is all the hatred there is going round with these people who are supposed to be friends. I know this is something you find everywhere but seriouslyyy... wtf !? Anyways yesterday when I got to y4j, everyone of the group was there and so everyone had their best friend there... and sometimes I seriously wonder if I'm invisible... everyone's just saying hi to everyone else and if I say hi to someone they just walk off and it's ... arghhhh so stupid. Anyways then we went inside when y4j started and I basically just followed wherever my group went... because I didn't want to feel and look like a loser. And blehh I can't even explain how I was feeling all night basically... then I just sat at the back where no one could see me and cried...
And I basically stayed up all night thinking why it always ends up like this, what am I doing wrong, why am I so different, why is everyone else so happy and how could people be so... heartless... I feel like I'm always rambling about people and it's true... but I still can't figure all this outtt and I seriously wonder why I'm still here. o_O.