(no subject)
My eyes hurt...from crying. Everytime I blink them it hurts. For once I'll admit that I'm just not okay. I hurt not only physically but mentally end emotionally as well. I don't know how much more I can take. I cracked sunday night...who knows when I'll just break. I don't know what to do. Everything in my life right now feels like a dead end. At school I feel like some animal in a cage, like I have to put on some front for people and I hate it. I feel like I basically have no one to talk to at school anymore. Stacy...it just hurts so much and I feel so helpless. All I can do is sit here and watch like some form of torture but I don't blame her for wanting to be happy. I just wish it were with me. I would give anything in this whole entire world to feel for just one day what Liz feels from Stacy. She would die for Liz if it really came down to it. I want to know what it feels like to be cared for that much, but it doesn't matter anymore...it just doesn't matter. She knows. She knows that I'd drop anything just for her but it doesn't equal or even come near the force Liz has. I don't know. I want to give up. I just want everything to go away cause it seems like all these feelings are just going to linger and tear away at me forever. I let my guard down and this is what I got so I can honestly only blame myself. Anyways...softball. I know I can do it but I feel like giving up. All the other girls are buddy buddy with someone or another and then it's just me. I more than definitely feel the odd one out. I wish I could at least be normal to where I'd blend in rather than feeling like I'm always watched and laughed at and I mean everywhere and not just softball with that. My family. I'm so fucking sick of them. They don't give a flying fuck about me. They really don't. I was at softball conditioning last night and we got out at 7 and I had told my uncle to be there at 6:45 just in case we got out early. I went outside and waited a few minutes then asked my friend to use her phone so I could call my uncle. I call and my brother answers and I ask where they are and he said they'd be there in a little bit and I told him to give the phone to uncle. I asked where they are and he said out at dinner. And I asked if he knew he had to pick me up and he said yeah we'll be there in a little bit and I told him no, you have to pick me up now and he just said that they'd be there after thay finished. Real caring family, aye? I won't even fucking start in on my dad. My grandma doesn't care. My mom is probably too wrapped up in drugs and what not and after that there's no one else. I know that a lot of you say you're there for me but I still feel so alone