(no subject)
talking to angie is really making me realise a lot about my life. im so selfish. and its really not my fault. back in the days when i use to be so 'unhappy', i really wasnt. i had it all. the bestest friends, the one i thought i loved, i was doing alright in school, people liked me, i was excepted. but i didnt see anything as good back then. but now i do. the friends i had were really all i needed. they were everything to me and i never really noticed it. i regreat whatever has been done to make each of us so distant. i miss everyone so much. i wish things could be the way the use to be. i was happy damnit, but now im not. sure i have lance, but hes not all i need. i need my friends back, my life.
and this school year, no more fucking around. im gonna try, im gonna try real hard. i want to make it somewhere in life. i want to show all them fuckheads who dont beleive in me that i can make it. and i will. ill show them so bad that i can do it. i want to be proud of myself, and i want other to be proud of me too. like lance, i would make him so happy if i do well this year. and making him happy would make myself happy aswell.
lance, i love him. i really and honestly do. sure i said i loved czar too, but he hurt me to bad, and he says it was my fault. lance is something true. something real. something i can trust. something totally speacial. what he meens to me is more then him or myself will ever truly usnderstand. i love him, fuck i love him. i just need to let him go alittle. i get to selfish with him. i just want him to be mine and all mines, fuck him friends i want him just for myself. but i cant do that. i cant be so fucking selfish like that. he needs his space, and i need mines. i just have to learn to let him go. because if he loves me the way he says, and i do him, then i dont have to worry about him not being there, because i know hell always be there. lance is truly the one im going to be with forever.
i need to wake up. i need to stop being so stupid and wake the fuck up. its time to make a fucking difference. im not gonna end up like my mother, i refuse to. i dont want to be like anyone in this family. i need to make a change. and i already have.
fuck smoking pot. theres not point. atleast not to me. i really dont need it, i could live without it, and its deffently a waste of money. over the summer ive smoked atleast over 3 THOUSAND dollars worth of fucking pot. imagine what could be done with all that money. it wasnt worth it. it honestly wasnt.
and stealing or just being a bad ass. its not something you really wanna be all youre life. it doesnt get you anywhere, and i know that. look at lance. hes thousands of dollars in fines over stupid little shit that all could have been different if a good choice was made. and me, ive already had all my hundred dollar fines ive had to pay, and still am paying. but i dont have the money so i leave it to my mother to take care of it. and i shouldnt do that. i shouldnt put all this stress on her. its my fault i had to be so stupid. its all my fault.
life is really hard. and i sure learned it the hard way. you need to work for the things you want. you cant just expect things to happen because you want them to. and missing things isnt going to get you anywhere. stop worrying about the past memorise and make some new ones.
and people even tried to warn me. and they said id no what theyre talking about one day. i never listened, which is something i should have done. but i just wanted to have fun. and fuck around all the time.
and theres no one to blame this all one but myself.
im going. xx_goodbye.
and this school year, no more fucking around. im gonna try, im gonna try real hard. i want to make it somewhere in life. i want to show all them fuckheads who dont beleive in me that i can make it. and i will. ill show them so bad that i can do it. i want to be proud of myself, and i want other to be proud of me too. like lance, i would make him so happy if i do well this year. and making him happy would make myself happy aswell.
lance, i love him. i really and honestly do. sure i said i loved czar too, but he hurt me to bad, and he says it was my fault. lance is something true. something real. something i can trust. something totally speacial. what he meens to me is more then him or myself will ever truly usnderstand. i love him, fuck i love him. i just need to let him go alittle. i get to selfish with him. i just want him to be mine and all mines, fuck him friends i want him just for myself. but i cant do that. i cant be so fucking selfish like that. he needs his space, and i need mines. i just have to learn to let him go. because if he loves me the way he says, and i do him, then i dont have to worry about him not being there, because i know hell always be there. lance is truly the one im going to be with forever.
i need to wake up. i need to stop being so stupid and wake the fuck up. its time to make a fucking difference. im not gonna end up like my mother, i refuse to. i dont want to be like anyone in this family. i need to make a change. and i already have.
fuck smoking pot. theres not point. atleast not to me. i really dont need it, i could live without it, and its deffently a waste of money. over the summer ive smoked atleast over 3 THOUSAND dollars worth of fucking pot. imagine what could be done with all that money. it wasnt worth it. it honestly wasnt.
and stealing or just being a bad ass. its not something you really wanna be all youre life. it doesnt get you anywhere, and i know that. look at lance. hes thousands of dollars in fines over stupid little shit that all could have been different if a good choice was made. and me, ive already had all my hundred dollar fines ive had to pay, and still am paying. but i dont have the money so i leave it to my mother to take care of it. and i shouldnt do that. i shouldnt put all this stress on her. its my fault i had to be so stupid. its all my fault.
life is really hard. and i sure learned it the hard way. you need to work for the things you want. you cant just expect things to happen because you want them to. and missing things isnt going to get you anywhere. stop worrying about the past memorise and make some new ones.
and people even tried to warn me. and they said id no what theyre talking about one day. i never listened, which is something i should have done. but i just wanted to have fun. and fuck around all the time.
and theres no one to blame this all one but myself.
im going. xx_goodbye.