Love//Hate
So last night, I was talking to someone who haphazardly came up with a pretty
interesting idea. Here's it is: write a letter to someone detailing everything
you love and hate about them, but don't give it to them. I think that's a good
way to analyze how you feel about someone. Lately, I have been analyzing a lot
of people I know and really trying to figure out exactly how I feel about them.
I've done everything from asking myself if I would take a bullet for them, to if
I would call them to tell them I was moving far far away. Believe me, it sounds
stupid, but when you really put yourself in these situations it really sets the
boundaries and defines the terms of how you feel about people.
The only downside is how fickle human feelings can be, so they're always subject to change. I wrote a letter like I already mentioned to someone, and she has agreed to write me one back. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I think I'm just trying to throw a bone to people who are as bored as I am right now. But then again, I'm one of the few people I know who writes when I get bored. Anyway, since you've already read this, I think it would be sorta cool if you left an anonymous post about what you love and hate about me :) Don't feel bad if there is more hate than love, its not a big deal. I just want people to know how they feel about me.
But if you don't wanna, that's cool too. It's not a big deal. Anyways, this is where the update actually begins.
So, I've been really anxious lately, and for some reason I've been self-monitoring it. A couple of weeks ago, I would wake up and count my heartbeats per minuet and came to about 55 beats per minuet, then when I would feel anxious it was around 80 beats per minuet. I'm pretty sure your heart isn't supposed to go from resting to running heartbeats like that. But back when this happened, I attributed the anxiety to finals, school, graduation, applying to colleges, figuring out what I might like to do with my life, and writing speeches and essays galore.
Now that I'm mostly done with all of that, I'm not so sure why I still get anxious. The best analogy that I can come up with, (and I've already used this analogy more than one in person to person conversations with people who I trust dearly with my life) is this: It's like going from an extremely crowded room where you can barely breathe to an endless desert, where no one is around. It's one extreme, all the way to the other. It's a hell of a lot easier to breathe, but damn its lonely. When I made plans not to go to college for 6 months, I thought it would be nice. I would have a lot of time to myself and I would be able to expand my inner image of who exactly I am and what I am doing here and what I want to accomplish. For some reason though, I want someone in my life to share these ideas with, and for another (stranger) reason, I want it to be someone who I am in love with. I'm odd, but I guess that makes us all odd because most everyone I have ever met has had an insatiable urge to be wanted by someone or something. These are the things I ponder about when I'm on the computer drinking coffee at 1:30 in the p.m. For the hell of it, I'm going to make a list of things I hate:
I hate not being busy
I hate not getting enough sleep
I hate sleeping too much
I hate mindless talks to people who have the potential to be intellectually stimulating
I hate talking too much
I hate thinking too much
I hate how diverse my circle of friends are
I hate feeling like I'm a troublesome friend
I hate listening to the same songs over and over
I hate when people don't know me as well as I want them too
I hate when I know people too well
I hate realizing how easy it is to do bad things
I hate realizing how difficult it is to be good
I hate routine
I hate stupid co-workers who don't do anything ever
I hate the fact that an abortion is only about $400 dollars
I hate the fact people my age get abortions, plural
I hate when I love people more after they leave me
I hate not being wanted
I hate how picky I am when it comes to love
I hate how I have lost all concept of time
I hate feeling like I'm a much deeper person than most of the people I know
I hate how I limit my words with some, and talk too much to others about important things
I hate when I feel like I'm a bad friend
I hate when I hang out with the same people over and over
I hate when I don't hang out with certain people enough
I hate not feeling like I am missed
I hate not feeling loved
I hate that I am lazy
I hate when people say they hate their lives
I hate when people rub things in your face for no reason
I hate people who are egomaniacal jerks who don't see their selfishness
I hate that some of the best people I've met really have had tough lives
I hate how listening to sad music makes you feel better while you feel sadder
I hate mourning
I hate morning
I hate that I didn't apply myself more in high school
I hate how superficial people can be
I hate not being able to show people how I feel, or make them feel how I feel
I hate how much more the eyes of innocence can see
I hate when people ruin their lives over stupid things
I hate being easily led
I hate how stubborn I can be
I hate when I'm not right
I hate when I can't admit I'm wrong
I hate when no one calls me
I hate having to call everyone
I hate feeling detached from people who I once considered myself to be close to
I hate being reluctant
I hate how overly cautious I am
I hate growing up
I hate that I can't go back in time
I hate that I don't play any musical instruments
I hate how long this list is becoming
I hate that I'm afraid of heights
I hate that I hold myself back sometimes
I hate how strongly I feel about some people
I hate people who don't feel strongly about anything
I hate indifference
I hate making decisions
I hate being contradictory
I hate not being interesting
I hate lying
I hate stealing
I hate druggies
I hate their short memories
I hate people who use you
I hate people that don't admit to having used you
I hate wasting time
I hate when I don't feel like I know myself
I hate when I feel like I know myself too well
I hate that I haven't added anything to the book I started
I hate that I don't work out
I hate how fast high school went by
I hate when I am ashamed
I hate feeling like I missed out on something
I hate that my best friend ran away from home
I hate that I can't share with you all how I feel about something special to me
I hate that I feel so safe all the time, I feel like I'm invincible and
I hate how that keeps me from ever being truly sad or knowing that I WILL be alright in the end
I hate people who envy me
I hate envying other people
I hate that everyone doesn't know how much their parents love them
I hate that people don't know how much God loves them
I hate how easy it is to quit things
I love making lists
I love being happy
I love knowing that good things will come to me
I love searching new horizons
I love exploring myself
I love thinking amazing thoughts
I love God
I love people who are unselfish
I love my family
I love almost understanding love
I love writing
I love music
I love Christian and Nolan
I love when people read my LJ entries
I love Jana
I love being well prepared for anything
I love knowing that things work out for the best
I love being faithful and hopeful
I love talking to people for ridiculous amounts of time
I love my pets
I love most the people who I work with
I love feeling accepted by people
I love Darla
I love knowing some of the most amazing people on Earth
I love this list much more than the other one.
The only downside is how fickle human feelings can be, so they're always subject to change. I wrote a letter like I already mentioned to someone, and she has agreed to write me one back. I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I think I'm just trying to throw a bone to people who are as bored as I am right now. But then again, I'm one of the few people I know who writes when I get bored. Anyway, since you've already read this, I think it would be sorta cool if you left an anonymous post about what you love and hate about me :) Don't feel bad if there is more hate than love, its not a big deal. I just want people to know how they feel about me.
But if you don't wanna, that's cool too. It's not a big deal. Anyways, this is where the update actually begins.
So, I've been really anxious lately, and for some reason I've been self-monitoring it. A couple of weeks ago, I would wake up and count my heartbeats per minuet and came to about 55 beats per minuet, then when I would feel anxious it was around 80 beats per minuet. I'm pretty sure your heart isn't supposed to go from resting to running heartbeats like that. But back when this happened, I attributed the anxiety to finals, school, graduation, applying to colleges, figuring out what I might like to do with my life, and writing speeches and essays galore.
Now that I'm mostly done with all of that, I'm not so sure why I still get anxious. The best analogy that I can come up with, (and I've already used this analogy more than one in person to person conversations with people who I trust dearly with my life) is this: It's like going from an extremely crowded room where you can barely breathe to an endless desert, where no one is around. It's one extreme, all the way to the other. It's a hell of a lot easier to breathe, but damn its lonely. When I made plans not to go to college for 6 months, I thought it would be nice. I would have a lot of time to myself and I would be able to expand my inner image of who exactly I am and what I am doing here and what I want to accomplish. For some reason though, I want someone in my life to share these ideas with, and for another (stranger) reason, I want it to be someone who I am in love with. I'm odd, but I guess that makes us all odd because most everyone I have ever met has had an insatiable urge to be wanted by someone or something. These are the things I ponder about when I'm on the computer drinking coffee at 1:30 in the p.m. For the hell of it, I'm going to make a list of things I hate:
I hate not being busy
I hate not getting enough sleep
I hate sleeping too much
I hate mindless talks to people who have the potential to be intellectually stimulating
I hate talking too much
I hate thinking too much
I hate how diverse my circle of friends are
I hate feeling like I'm a troublesome friend
I hate listening to the same songs over and over
I hate when people don't know me as well as I want them too
I hate when I know people too well
I hate realizing how easy it is to do bad things
I hate realizing how difficult it is to be good
I hate routine
I hate stupid co-workers who don't do anything ever
I hate the fact that an abortion is only about $400 dollars
I hate the fact people my age get abortions, plural
I hate when I love people more after they leave me
I hate not being wanted
I hate how picky I am when it comes to love
I hate how I have lost all concept of time
I hate feeling like I'm a much deeper person than most of the people I know
I hate how I limit my words with some, and talk too much to others about important things
I hate when I feel like I'm a bad friend
I hate when I hang out with the same people over and over
I hate when I don't hang out with certain people enough
I hate not feeling like I am missed
I hate not feeling loved
I hate that I am lazy
I hate when people say they hate their lives
I hate when people rub things in your face for no reason
I hate people who are egomaniacal jerks who don't see their selfishness
I hate that some of the best people I've met really have had tough lives
I hate how listening to sad music makes you feel better while you feel sadder
I hate mourning
I hate morning
I hate that I didn't apply myself more in high school
I hate how superficial people can be
I hate not being able to show people how I feel, or make them feel how I feel
I hate how much more the eyes of innocence can see
I hate when people ruin their lives over stupid things
I hate being easily led
I hate how stubborn I can be
I hate when I'm not right
I hate when I can't admit I'm wrong
I hate when no one calls me
I hate having to call everyone
I hate feeling detached from people who I once considered myself to be close to
I hate being reluctant
I hate how overly cautious I am
I hate growing up
I hate that I can't go back in time
I hate that I don't play any musical instruments
I hate how long this list is becoming
I hate that I'm afraid of heights
I hate that I hold myself back sometimes
I hate how strongly I feel about some people
I hate people who don't feel strongly about anything
I hate indifference
I hate making decisions
I hate being contradictory
I hate not being interesting
I hate lying
I hate stealing
I hate druggies
I hate their short memories
I hate people who use you
I hate people that don't admit to having used you
I hate wasting time
I hate when I don't feel like I know myself
I hate when I feel like I know myself too well
I hate that I haven't added anything to the book I started
I hate that I don't work out
I hate how fast high school went by
I hate when I am ashamed
I hate feeling like I missed out on something
I hate that my best friend ran away from home
I hate that I can't share with you all how I feel about something special to me
I hate that I feel so safe all the time, I feel like I'm invincible and
I hate how that keeps me from ever being truly sad or knowing that I WILL be alright in the end
I hate people who envy me
I hate envying other people
I hate that everyone doesn't know how much their parents love them
I hate that people don't know how much God loves them
I hate how easy it is to quit things
I love making lists
I love being happy
I love knowing that good things will come to me
I love searching new horizons
I love exploring myself
I love thinking amazing thoughts
I love God
I love people who are unselfish
I love my family
I love almost understanding love
I love writing
I love music
I love Christian and Nolan
I love when people read my LJ entries
I love Jana
I love being well prepared for anything
I love knowing that things work out for the best
I love being faithful and hopeful
I love talking to people for ridiculous amounts of time
I love my pets
I love most the people who I work with
I love feeling accepted by people
I love Darla
I love knowing some of the most amazing people on Earth
I love this list much more than the other one.