Volcano
I'm jumping hurdles in a circular race track with no finish line.
I'm not passing finish 'cause I cannot find it.
I feel as though I'm walking between rooftops on balsa wood bridges.
I'm lost. so. fucking. Lost.
I'm more lost than I have ever been before.
The hard part is I'm not so perturbed being lost.
I'm perturbed having no destination.
Sure it sounds ridiculous but it's better if you have a destination when you're lost.
I don't need a straight road to where I'm going I just need point B. I don't even need a road.
Choosing, deciding, going to point B is giving me more of a headfuck than in depth examination of imaginary numbers.
WHERE AM I GOING?
When will I answer myself?
I don't need a college degree to be happy or "successful", I don't want three kids, two cars, a big house and a white picket fence, I'm not going to join the military like everyone in my family, I don't want to be a rockstar or celebrity, I don't want most of the things that SOCIETY pushes off as normal or "successful" or happiness.
What do I want then? I'm not sure.
I want to write, make art, paint, I want to travel the world, I want to experience the world not compete with it and "win", so to speak, by having a retirement plan at age 40. Fuck that. I wanna live
But lets be real here my written words aren't going to take me anywhere or feed me. My art is not going provide me little luxuries like internet or a tank of gas. In order to travel the world you have to come by money through years of college (which essentially will set me back shitloads financially before it sets me forward), then years of work. And I don't mind work, actually I love it. It's just hard to find work that can keep you on your feet without working every minute of your life. I already work my ass off and can barely afford shit. "real" shit like a roof and fridge with stuff in it and and vehicle with fuel in it. I'm not a bum, I'm not stupid, I just don't feel the need to become the "normal" perception of successful. Life and happiness is what you make. I do feel however that I do need to have a job, be the best I can be at it, provide for and rely on only MYSELF, live my life with morals and kindness to others, live with respect, and live up to the majority standards TO AN EXTENT.
I'm different, I'm strange, I don't fit in here, but I'm here so what can I do. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all around, and rarely in the oh-so comfortable middle zone of being content. So what's next.
Where do I begin? I'm fuckin 19 and asking where do I begin. And no one can answer but myself. I know now that's why me and my father clash like Islam and Christianity. He had my life railroaded and planned since before I was born, and you fucking bet it was to be everything I don't want, I know because I was often told.
I don't have time to wait for the answer, life is now, not tomorrow. [Now I'm just venting, well perhaps this is all a vent]
I cannot help my indecisiveness, It's just the way I am, I'm trying to change.
So far I'm saving money to move to cali and start there and truly that is what I want to do.
My stepfather wants me out now. He's making things hard for my mother. I don't have the money or means to get out now. I need another car. and for that it means dippin far into my "get a life fund/move to cali fund." And it still means making things hard for my mother. And thats the last thing I want to do. To move out to cali, or anywhere for that matter, it means 4 or 5 more months of ABSOLUTELY nothing but going to work and coming home and saving every damn penny, cause realistically I'm not gonna survive moving out with one grand or so in my account. So essentially I cannot pursue the answer the to my pivotal question. I'm stuck. and it fucking blows.
I have to provide myself with a different answer because I'm stuck and I haven't one.
Fuuuuuck.
What do you wanna do? -move to Cali and essentially begin
Can you do that? -in time
Do you have the time you need? -No
What are you gonna do? -I don't know, keep trying
What do you wanna do? FUCK!!!
Now I've lost the plot and I'm back to just being lost.
I have no clue what the fuck I'm talking about.
I'm not passing finish 'cause I cannot find it.
I feel as though I'm walking between rooftops on balsa wood bridges.
I'm lost. so. fucking. Lost.
I'm more lost than I have ever been before.
The hard part is I'm not so perturbed being lost.
I'm perturbed having no destination.
Sure it sounds ridiculous but it's better if you have a destination when you're lost.
I don't need a straight road to where I'm going I just need point B. I don't even need a road.
Choosing, deciding, going to point B is giving me more of a headfuck than in depth examination of imaginary numbers.
WHERE AM I GOING?
When will I answer myself?
I don't need a college degree to be happy or "successful", I don't want three kids, two cars, a big house and a white picket fence, I'm not going to join the military like everyone in my family, I don't want to be a rockstar or celebrity, I don't want most of the things that SOCIETY pushes off as normal or "successful" or happiness.
What do I want then? I'm not sure.
I want to write, make art, paint, I want to travel the world, I want to experience the world not compete with it and "win", so to speak, by having a retirement plan at age 40. Fuck that. I wanna live
But lets be real here my written words aren't going to take me anywhere or feed me. My art is not going provide me little luxuries like internet or a tank of gas. In order to travel the world you have to come by money through years of college (which essentially will set me back shitloads financially before it sets me forward), then years of work. And I don't mind work, actually I love it. It's just hard to find work that can keep you on your feet without working every minute of your life. I already work my ass off and can barely afford shit. "real" shit like a roof and fridge with stuff in it and and vehicle with fuel in it. I'm not a bum, I'm not stupid, I just don't feel the need to become the "normal" perception of successful. Life and happiness is what you make. I do feel however that I do need to have a job, be the best I can be at it, provide for and rely on only MYSELF, live my life with morals and kindness to others, live with respect, and live up to the majority standards TO AN EXTENT.
I'm different, I'm strange, I don't fit in here, but I'm here so what can I do. I'm up, I'm down, I'm all around, and rarely in the oh-so comfortable middle zone of being content. So what's next.
Where do I begin? I'm fuckin 19 and asking where do I begin. And no one can answer but myself. I know now that's why me and my father clash like Islam and Christianity. He had my life railroaded and planned since before I was born, and you fucking bet it was to be everything I don't want, I know because I was often told.
I don't have time to wait for the answer, life is now, not tomorrow. [Now I'm just venting, well perhaps this is all a vent]
I cannot help my indecisiveness, It's just the way I am, I'm trying to change.
So far I'm saving money to move to cali and start there and truly that is what I want to do.
My stepfather wants me out now. He's making things hard for my mother. I don't have the money or means to get out now. I need another car. and for that it means dippin far into my "get a life fund/move to cali fund." And it still means making things hard for my mother. And thats the last thing I want to do. To move out to cali, or anywhere for that matter, it means 4 or 5 more months of ABSOLUTELY nothing but going to work and coming home and saving every damn penny, cause realistically I'm not gonna survive moving out with one grand or so in my account. So essentially I cannot pursue the answer the to my pivotal question. I'm stuck. and it fucking blows.
I have to provide myself with a different answer because I'm stuck and I haven't one.
Fuuuuuck.
What do you wanna do? -move to Cali and essentially begin
Can you do that? -in time
Do you have the time you need? -No
What are you gonna do? -I don't know, keep trying
What do you wanna do? FUCK!!!
Now I've lost the plot and I'm back to just being lost.
I have no clue what the fuck I'm talking about.