i'm trying so hard

[x_strwbryflds_x]

i remember when i was a little girl, i used to think ..let's see. how do i explain this? i wasn't really living my life. i felt like a barbie doll in a big barbie doll house in a big barbie universe and somebody else was just throwing me around making me do whatever they wanted. pretty weird, i know. but now, i'm sort of getting those feelings again ...and just for a moment, i wish i could just step outside of the "barbie world" (no aqua pun intended)and just watch everybody else for a while. it would be so nice b/c whatever i did, it wouldn't matter. wouldn't make a difference. i would be deleted for a little bit so i could be free to just take a time out. and rest and think and just do whatever i wanted. no responsibilities b/c no one would know i was there. everything is blowing up in my face right now.
1. brandon is moving on quicker than i am
2. i just found out today that i'm not gonna get that baby sitting job i thought i would have next semester
3. my dad ordered a plane ticket to see my brother's graduation from boot camp..but didn't order me one and told me i couldn't buy my own.
4. i came so close to buying cigarettes tonight, that i actually got in my car, and drove all the way to the gas station..i talked myself out of it, though. this scares me
i honestly don't know how much more i can take. i know these all sound like trivial things, but they're important to me. if anyone out there is reading this, please pray for me. there's nothing more powerful than prayer-well, except God.