&& So this is Christmas...
Its crazy, how some movies can have an emotional effect on me. Like every movie that deals with romance of any sort I find myself tearing, or straight out bawling.
I can't deal right anymore.
I mean, i might seem to be okay or like just try to say things that are on my mind. but deep inside more than ive ever told anyone else, im completly falling apart. I havent even told my best friend this, i thought i could tell her anything, but i cant, theres something thats not letting me tell anyone, maybe its okay, but ii cant hold it in much longer, eventually im going to crack, and im not looking forward to it. I go from being okay, then to amazingly upset, maybe its bipolar, but i never get incredibly mad where my moods change in a snap. so im not really sure what it is.
Its blinding me to the good things in my life, or what im greatful for.
I only focus on my flaws maybe i shouldnt do that, but no matter what people say telling me i shouldnt do that, truthfully these people dont know how hard i try to do that. it just doesnt work. it makes me feel completly worthless, and i cant seem to shake it, i mean maybe there are good things, but if i look in the mirror all i see is a complete failure. i know its not good, but i honestly dont know what it is. maybe i need to experience new things and try different styles, but i cant stop thinking about how im going to fail at it.
I spend my whole life worrying about myself and im not enjoying my teenage years what are said to be the best of your entire life. I just wish there was some thing that could motivate me enough or push me enough that i could do that and not care to much about what i look like, or how fat i am. I just want to enjoy what i have left which i know is going to be impossible.
-maybe its the influence of my mother.
After years and years of seeing her sulk over past realtionships its rubbed off on me. Weve been through so much as a family i dont even know where to begin. When i was really little my dad and my mom got divorced. My dad also has a hip problem along with a disease called limphadema which enables his ablities. So basically growing up, i never had a dad that i could do things with or who i could see everyday and have a family together. My dad never got to really see me grow up because of his disability and the hardships of the divorce. To be brutally honest, my mom was cruel, but my dad has his days too.
-Next my mom met another man, it seemed to be a good relationship in the begining, maybe its because she had no idea he did drugs, was a manic depressive, abusive, emotionally, verbally, and physically, or an alcohalic. Things got bad after a couplesyears of marrige, the fights would go through out the night, all night, while i had to go to school the next day i remember sitting up and crying, a couple times id go out and beg and plead with tears streaming constantly, but it didnt help, he was a greater force and we were defensless. he would tell me i was fat, and ugly, and i believed it. it was horrible, no child should have to grow up with that.
It wasnt till about a year after he walked out on my family and left my mom struggling and in debt that she met michel, and he completly turned everything around hes made my mother unconditionally happy, and i thank god for that everyday. But now, she doesnt notice me, now its like i dont exisit?
-if you feel like im just complaining, or im lying. Disreguard this and dont hold anything against me, im just telling it straight, i needed to get it out somehow.
on a lighter note, Christmas is soon, maybe itll be good for me this year.
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I can't deal right anymore.
I mean, i might seem to be okay or like just try to say things that are on my mind. but deep inside more than ive ever told anyone else, im completly falling apart. I havent even told my best friend this, i thought i could tell her anything, but i cant, theres something thats not letting me tell anyone, maybe its okay, but ii cant hold it in much longer, eventually im going to crack, and im not looking forward to it. I go from being okay, then to amazingly upset, maybe its bipolar, but i never get incredibly mad where my moods change in a snap. so im not really sure what it is.
Its blinding me to the good things in my life, or what im greatful for.
I only focus on my flaws maybe i shouldnt do that, but no matter what people say telling me i shouldnt do that, truthfully these people dont know how hard i try to do that. it just doesnt work. it makes me feel completly worthless, and i cant seem to shake it, i mean maybe there are good things, but if i look in the mirror all i see is a complete failure. i know its not good, but i honestly dont know what it is. maybe i need to experience new things and try different styles, but i cant stop thinking about how im going to fail at it.
I spend my whole life worrying about myself and im not enjoying my teenage years what are said to be the best of your entire life. I just wish there was some thing that could motivate me enough or push me enough that i could do that and not care to much about what i look like, or how fat i am. I just want to enjoy what i have left which i know is going to be impossible.
-maybe its the influence of my mother.
After years and years of seeing her sulk over past realtionships its rubbed off on me. Weve been through so much as a family i dont even know where to begin. When i was really little my dad and my mom got divorced. My dad also has a hip problem along with a disease called limphadema which enables his ablities. So basically growing up, i never had a dad that i could do things with or who i could see everyday and have a family together. My dad never got to really see me grow up because of his disability and the hardships of the divorce. To be brutally honest, my mom was cruel, but my dad has his days too.
-Next my mom met another man, it seemed to be a good relationship in the begining, maybe its because she had no idea he did drugs, was a manic depressive, abusive, emotionally, verbally, and physically, or an alcohalic. Things got bad after a couplesyears of marrige, the fights would go through out the night, all night, while i had to go to school the next day i remember sitting up and crying, a couple times id go out and beg and plead with tears streaming constantly, but it didnt help, he was a greater force and we were defensless. he would tell me i was fat, and ugly, and i believed it. it was horrible, no child should have to grow up with that.
It wasnt till about a year after he walked out on my family and left my mom struggling and in debt that she met michel, and he completly turned everything around hes made my mother unconditionally happy, and i thank god for that everyday. But now, she doesnt notice me, now its like i dont exisit?
-if you feel like im just complaining, or im lying. Disreguard this and dont hold anything against me, im just telling it straight, i needed to get it out somehow.
on a lighter note, Christmas is soon, maybe itll be good for me this year.
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