Hello LJ, now hear me rant dammit.
Friendships mean a lot to me. People fucked me over in 6th, 7th and 8th grade. Friends came and went like trains and buses. When my train and bus finally came, they went in totally different directions, leading me down a path of depression and low self-esteem. In retrospect I was weak and helpless. I still carry these traits to this very day, but I have gotten stronger, so I guess I'm doing something right.
I hate getting into fights with friends or family. After gaining so many friend in High School, I of course became happier and I actually felt wanted by people. Now that that's happened, I fear that since I don't want to lose them, in certain situations where there's a misunderstanding or an argument I still try to stick around. Today I was snapped at because I let someone, a "random stranger" take my place in a friendly, casual soccer game. Much to mine and everyone elses dismay, he was really talented and coordinated. I didn't see the big deal in letting him play for a bit, but everyone else did and I didn't quite understand what the big deal was. Rarely are we ever asked by "random strangers" if they can play with us in anything and we're out there in Alley Pond a lot, so. Also, it was just him that asked, not his whole posse/family that was next to us on the field.
After thinking about it so much even in my stupid 4 hour sleep, or nap, or whatever you want to call it, and with some help from two other friends who weren't there, I came to realize that this whole thing is silly and it's just stupid. That whole scene, argument, and emotional awkwardness was all because of a friend snapping at me for something so petty, so small...for a "random stranger" to take my place in a friendly game of soccer. I understand they just wanted friends to play, but like I said, it was just me that was being replaced, not a bunch of people. If that were someone else on the other team or just anyone else playing and they wanted to let some random stranger take their place, I wouldn't have cared. I'm still playing with my friends am I not? Just live a little and step out the box for once. We were all strangers to each other before we became friends were we not? I bet if he sucked no one would have cared if he played or not, but since he was so random, out of the blue, and really incredible at playing, people started to get irritated by this. It's not that serious and I was trying to express that by letting him play for me. Of course I wanted to play, but I won't die if I don't get to play. And it's not the end of the world-- I let some random guy play for me, big fucking deal. I'll admit at first he seemed a little strange and I couldn't tell by his strong accent if he was speaking English or not, but he meant no harm and he didn't even play for the whole game anyways.
I got shaken up by this whole thing and I care about what was said to me because I'm afraid of losing my friends. Even if it means me being submissive, when I'm aggressive and speak up for myself then that's when I'm the bitch right? I think that's the case for most people. When you're being submissive, you're seen as a weakling, a pussy; when you're being aggressive, you're seen as a dickhead or a bitch. There never seems to be a medium, and if there is, props to those who can balance those two out and still get respect from it. The times where I'm most aggressive is when I'm at work. I let no one step all over me and the stupid customers helped in that way. I'm a total louse when I'm at work, but I don't care. When it comes to my friends, depending on the situation I just give into submission at times and I just cry it out.
The event that happened earlier is on rewind and play in my mind. I can't stop thinking about it. It affected me that much, but not enough where I must change my life. Who knows though; me being reflective right now about the whole thing could make me have a slight change in my outlook on things in life, though, but my life necessarily hasn't changed really. I know friends, family, random people are brought into our lives for a reason and that "nothing lasts forever", but these sayings, they're only true if you let them take over. Why can't something not last forever? Who says it has to end anyways? Those cliche sayings piss me off sometimes. I especially hate the saying, "that's life!" as if there was some specific guideline or whatever that says okay, this is life, and this is what's going to happen and why it's going to happen exactly. Fuck that. "That's life". Fuck that. Maybe that's YOUR life, but certainly not MY life. "Oh well, that's life, what can you do?" As if life has this personification and it's out to get us or something. As if life has already made your decisions--maybe it has if you want to think in Religious terms, but let's not even go there shall we?
Man, I haven't pondered this much in a while or cared to type it up in a blog like I used to. At any rate, I just want things to get better, and I want them to somehow realize that they were wrong too. They were wrong for getting upset at me over a petty, stupid thing. One thing about life though, is that it truly is short and if you're going to get mad at me because I let some random guy play in my place during our silly soccer game, then you have bigger worries than me. People can be stubborn though and well hey, "that's life"....isn't it?
I hate getting into fights with friends or family. After gaining so many friend in High School, I of course became happier and I actually felt wanted by people. Now that that's happened, I fear that since I don't want to lose them, in certain situations where there's a misunderstanding or an argument I still try to stick around. Today I was snapped at because I let someone, a "random stranger" take my place in a friendly, casual soccer game. Much to mine and everyone elses dismay, he was really talented and coordinated. I didn't see the big deal in letting him play for a bit, but everyone else did and I didn't quite understand what the big deal was. Rarely are we ever asked by "random strangers" if they can play with us in anything and we're out there in Alley Pond a lot, so. Also, it was just him that asked, not his whole posse/family that was next to us on the field.
After thinking about it so much even in my stupid 4 hour sleep, or nap, or whatever you want to call it, and with some help from two other friends who weren't there, I came to realize that this whole thing is silly and it's just stupid. That whole scene, argument, and emotional awkwardness was all because of a friend snapping at me for something so petty, so small...for a "random stranger" to take my place in a friendly game of soccer. I understand they just wanted friends to play, but like I said, it was just me that was being replaced, not a bunch of people. If that were someone else on the other team or just anyone else playing and they wanted to let some random stranger take their place, I wouldn't have cared. I'm still playing with my friends am I not? Just live a little and step out the box for once. We were all strangers to each other before we became friends were we not? I bet if he sucked no one would have cared if he played or not, but since he was so random, out of the blue, and really incredible at playing, people started to get irritated by this. It's not that serious and I was trying to express that by letting him play for me. Of course I wanted to play, but I won't die if I don't get to play. And it's not the end of the world-- I let some random guy play for me, big fucking deal. I'll admit at first he seemed a little strange and I couldn't tell by his strong accent if he was speaking English or not, but he meant no harm and he didn't even play for the whole game anyways.
I got shaken up by this whole thing and I care about what was said to me because I'm afraid of losing my friends. Even if it means me being submissive, when I'm aggressive and speak up for myself then that's when I'm the bitch right? I think that's the case for most people. When you're being submissive, you're seen as a weakling, a pussy; when you're being aggressive, you're seen as a dickhead or a bitch. There never seems to be a medium, and if there is, props to those who can balance those two out and still get respect from it. The times where I'm most aggressive is when I'm at work. I let no one step all over me and the stupid customers helped in that way. I'm a total louse when I'm at work, but I don't care. When it comes to my friends, depending on the situation I just give into submission at times and I just cry it out.
The event that happened earlier is on rewind and play in my mind. I can't stop thinking about it. It affected me that much, but not enough where I must change my life. Who knows though; me being reflective right now about the whole thing could make me have a slight change in my outlook on things in life, though, but my life necessarily hasn't changed really. I know friends, family, random people are brought into our lives for a reason and that "nothing lasts forever", but these sayings, they're only true if you let them take over. Why can't something not last forever? Who says it has to end anyways? Those cliche sayings piss me off sometimes. I especially hate the saying, "that's life!" as if there was some specific guideline or whatever that says okay, this is life, and this is what's going to happen and why it's going to happen exactly. Fuck that. "That's life". Fuck that. Maybe that's YOUR life, but certainly not MY life. "Oh well, that's life, what can you do?" As if life has this personification and it's out to get us or something. As if life has already made your decisions--maybe it has if you want to think in Religious terms, but let's not even go there shall we?
Man, I haven't pondered this much in a while or cared to type it up in a blog like I used to. At any rate, I just want things to get better, and I want them to somehow realize that they were wrong too. They were wrong for getting upset at me over a petty, stupid thing. One thing about life though, is that it truly is short and if you're going to get mad at me because I let some random guy play in my place during our silly soccer game, then you have bigger worries than me. People can be stubborn though and well hey, "that's life"....isn't it?