(no subject)
Outside of being ill this weekend, I've actually made several revelations regarding my life that I think needed to be made. It's not been a great weekend for my mental health, but like so many other things in my life, the ends justify the means. Just remind me that I'm taking this notion a bit too seriously if I decide to construct a militant group with the intention of taking over the world.
A letter I wrote to my parents:
I find it helps, when I get into slumps like this, to write things out and try to gain a little perspectiveon what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. As much as I'd prefer not to be worrying anyone, I know I do worry you, so I might as well give you some insight into how I'm feeling.
You know that saying, "The best-laid plans of mice and men are bound to go awry"? I feel like I live that cliche every day. My high school career was nothing like I expected it to be, so really it only follows logically that my university career wouldn't either. I saw myself breezing through with high grades, going on to do my Masters', entering the world already a success. I guess it was a little idealistic of me to think that I'd be the textbook definition of 'overachiever', but somehow I figured things would be a little easier than they are. That's not to say that I pity myself - if anything, I'm still in total denial. If you ask me on the average day, I'm of the stark opinion that everything's fine, or so I convince myself. Maybe it's a way of hiding from some realities I really don't want to face.
The problem is, though, that my steady decline is going to continue if I don't face these realities. It's funny, in an unfunny way - if you look at my transcript, you can actually see my decline beginning in my third semester, tumbling all the way down until now. I'm sure it'd be very interesting from a psychologist's point of view. Of course, getting back to my somewhat biased, non-scientific perspective, the only thing interesting about this whole thing is that I, in turn, am interested in getting rid of it. I'm tired of my own mental health (or lack thereof) taking me further and further away from the things I want. The person I am today is not the person I'm meant to be - I was bound for so much more than this. It's like in exchange for a little perspective on the world around me, and a newfound compassion for people like Steph, who had dreams and still dare to try again, I lost my ability to take care of myself. I lost my ability to ignore what other people think. I became completely paranoid and apathetic about the things I, at one point, actually wanted to strive for.
I wanted to be in school, and I wanted to learn. University was, at one point, more than just career training to me. I was in no hurry to get out into the big world with its coffee makers and starter apartments and bi-weekly paycheques. I wanted university to be a place where I would eventually find my calling, and figure out who I was.
I don't really like what I've found thus far.
And the problem is, I really am trying my best at school. I'm going to my classes, I'm asking questions, and I'm trying to assume an active role in my education. But I suppose the late nights get to me eventually, and I'll have a week I don't do so well. I'll wake up tired, have a crying fit or an anxiety attack in a school washroom, and come home feeling totally defeated for no reason. I can't trust myself to be nice to me. I'm letting myself down with these piss-poor grades I'm pulling off, and I'm sure that says nothing about how you guys must feel about them. And don't say you're proud of me, please. You really don't have to settle for mediocrity for my sake. I know I won't.
While clicking around on the internet tonight on the academic advising pages at the university, it said right in my program counselor's job description that she's there to "discuss personal issues that may be affecting [my] academic success". I think, after a lot of denial and putting it off, I should really book an appointment with her to discuss my anxiety and depression. I thought maybe I could keep this thing at bay on my own, but it's pretty evident that that plan's failing pretty miserably. If there's still nothing she can do for me, I think it might be time to consider taking some time off to do some intensive therapy (with a psychiatrist) to get this thing off my back. I came to the slap-in-the-face realization that this is my future we're talking about, here, and I'm not about to let some stupid anxiety disorder that lynched me at the age of nineteen screw up the next forty years of career I've got set out for myself. If that same disorder is denying me the B+ average I need to do a Masters, then to Hell with it - I'll get rid of the disorder and try again. I'm not going to let this thing dictate to me what I can and cannot specialize in.
I know there are multiple issues surrounding this. You guys are close to retirement and can't support me forever. I understand that, and I would never expect you to. Were I to take some time off, my time would be occupied by work and therapy, so I'll have built up capital enough to pay my own way by the time I needed to go back. And I would go back, just to address that concern right away. To be educated and work in an intellectually-stimulating career is one of the only things I'm absolutely certain I want in this life. I no longer perceive taking time off as 'running away' - it takes courage to realize one's own roadblocks and, ignoring society's stigmas, to remove them. I've put too much into my education already to lose all my hopes and dreams now just because I can't keep my stupid brain in line.
A lot of the career options I've brought up recently have been mostly attempts to look at something that doesn't require a Masters. Well, I'm through with settling. It's time I realized something's not right here and, instead of sweeping it under the rug, to deal with it head on.
I've got time to explore my options, anyway. At the very, very least, I intend to finish this semester as best I can - if I need to study harder or pound pillows or distract myself royally from the anxiety to get through it, so be it. But I've really, really got to start taking care of me and doing the things I want to do if I'm going to be happy in this life.
A letter I wrote to my parents:
I find it helps, when I get into slumps like this, to write things out and try to gain a little perspectiveon what I'm feeling and why I'm feeling it. As much as I'd prefer not to be worrying anyone, I know I do worry you, so I might as well give you some insight into how I'm feeling.
You know that saying, "The best-laid plans of mice and men are bound to go awry"? I feel like I live that cliche every day. My high school career was nothing like I expected it to be, so really it only follows logically that my university career wouldn't either. I saw myself breezing through with high grades, going on to do my Masters', entering the world already a success. I guess it was a little idealistic of me to think that I'd be the textbook definition of 'overachiever', but somehow I figured things would be a little easier than they are. That's not to say that I pity myself - if anything, I'm still in total denial. If you ask me on the average day, I'm of the stark opinion that everything's fine, or so I convince myself. Maybe it's a way of hiding from some realities I really don't want to face.
The problem is, though, that my steady decline is going to continue if I don't face these realities. It's funny, in an unfunny way - if you look at my transcript, you can actually see my decline beginning in my third semester, tumbling all the way down until now. I'm sure it'd be very interesting from a psychologist's point of view. Of course, getting back to my somewhat biased, non-scientific perspective, the only thing interesting about this whole thing is that I, in turn, am interested in getting rid of it. I'm tired of my own mental health (or lack thereof) taking me further and further away from the things I want. The person I am today is not the person I'm meant to be - I was bound for so much more than this. It's like in exchange for a little perspective on the world around me, and a newfound compassion for people like Steph, who had dreams and still dare to try again, I lost my ability to take care of myself. I lost my ability to ignore what other people think. I became completely paranoid and apathetic about the things I, at one point, actually wanted to strive for.
I wanted to be in school, and I wanted to learn. University was, at one point, more than just career training to me. I was in no hurry to get out into the big world with its coffee makers and starter apartments and bi-weekly paycheques. I wanted university to be a place where I would eventually find my calling, and figure out who I was.
I don't really like what I've found thus far.
And the problem is, I really am trying my best at school. I'm going to my classes, I'm asking questions, and I'm trying to assume an active role in my education. But I suppose the late nights get to me eventually, and I'll have a week I don't do so well. I'll wake up tired, have a crying fit or an anxiety attack in a school washroom, and come home feeling totally defeated for no reason. I can't trust myself to be nice to me. I'm letting myself down with these piss-poor grades I'm pulling off, and I'm sure that says nothing about how you guys must feel about them. And don't say you're proud of me, please. You really don't have to settle for mediocrity for my sake. I know I won't.
While clicking around on the internet tonight on the academic advising pages at the university, it said right in my program counselor's job description that she's there to "discuss personal issues that may be affecting [my] academic success". I think, after a lot of denial and putting it off, I should really book an appointment with her to discuss my anxiety and depression. I thought maybe I could keep this thing at bay on my own, but it's pretty evident that that plan's failing pretty miserably. If there's still nothing she can do for me, I think it might be time to consider taking some time off to do some intensive therapy (with a psychiatrist) to get this thing off my back. I came to the slap-in-the-face realization that this is my future we're talking about, here, and I'm not about to let some stupid anxiety disorder that lynched me at the age of nineteen screw up the next forty years of career I've got set out for myself. If that same disorder is denying me the B+ average I need to do a Masters, then to Hell with it - I'll get rid of the disorder and try again. I'm not going to let this thing dictate to me what I can and cannot specialize in.
I know there are multiple issues surrounding this. You guys are close to retirement and can't support me forever. I understand that, and I would never expect you to. Were I to take some time off, my time would be occupied by work and therapy, so I'll have built up capital enough to pay my own way by the time I needed to go back. And I would go back, just to address that concern right away. To be educated and work in an intellectually-stimulating career is one of the only things I'm absolutely certain I want in this life. I no longer perceive taking time off as 'running away' - it takes courage to realize one's own roadblocks and, ignoring society's stigmas, to remove them. I've put too much into my education already to lose all my hopes and dreams now just because I can't keep my stupid brain in line.
A lot of the career options I've brought up recently have been mostly attempts to look at something that doesn't require a Masters. Well, I'm through with settling. It's time I realized something's not right here and, instead of sweeping it under the rug, to deal with it head on.
I've got time to explore my options, anyway. At the very, very least, I intend to finish this semester as best I can - if I need to study harder or pound pillows or distract myself royally from the anxiety to get through it, so be it. But I've really, really got to start taking care of me and doing the things I want to do if I'm going to be happy in this life.