the epitome of a really long entry
Ive taken a look back on this whole year. And though it feels short, it really wasnt. I lose track of time easily. Things that happened a week ago seem like forever. And i see all of the mistakes i have made, and what i could have done to make them better and im kicking myself wondering why i didnt do it. And it all leads to this chain of events in my mind that would have made me so much happen. But then i think...if i didnt do them, then what if _____ didnt happen? Then id regret that...and so forth.
But i am so damn proud of myself over this past year. Ive had a horrible breakup with a less than happy ending, that whole ordeal with my dad, my mom and her TWO cancer scares, living with my grandparents, breakdowns, bad trips, anorexia, bad choices, shitty grades, and whatnot.
But im over that breakup, my dad and i are regaining a relationship, my mom no longer has cancer, my grandparents are back at their own home, ive gotten through therapy, ive brought my grades up, and I WENT TO THE APC CONCERT. And there were good parts to this year. There was/is joey. I dont think i have to go into what our relationship was. I could go on forever. It was/is amazing. I dont know what term to use. He was the first guy to treat me right, to laugh out loud and not feel stupid, to hold me and i would never want him to let go. And there were our moments. And there were times where i could see forever. But not all good things have to end bad. I dont know what the next year will bring for us. I dont know what I want necessarily out of everything. But I am now going to sit back and let things go how they are meant to be.
Time seems to pass by so quickly, and all of these moments are a blur, and i didnt ever fully appreciate them. I havent had time to fully show my appreciation to sara for letting me call her with stupid problems, or trevor for letting me talk to him late at night. or joey for making me feel like im the best person in the entire world...and rachel has helped me through newspaper with all our hectic shit. not to mention her killer taste in music. :) Im happy me and todd are talking again, he really is an awesome guy. I love him to death. Im so thankful for everyone who has pulled me through and helped me back on my feet just in time for a better year and a better life and a better perspective.
Im allowed to live. Im allowed to dance around the house when no one is watching, singing to old backstreet boy songs. And im allowed to not think about colleges just yet. And Im allowed to cry whenever "Broken" or " I dont want to miss a thing" comes on. And im allowed to cry for no reason. But Im not gona let myself be paranoid because of past emotions. That isnt good for me.
I have found that love is the best emotion in the world. It is the best feeling to show, and its even better when you can feel it. So many people (guys included maybe?) take too much time trying to get that perfect person that they forget to have fun. and that was my mistake. I tried too hard to live in the moment and make it the most romantic thing in the world that i never got to really appreciate it either. but thats all gonna change this coming year. just watch me. Im not gonna dumb myself down because it gets so annoying. so if you dont know what im sayin anymore get a damn dictionary. And 120 isnt such a scary number.
Ahhh...i have a feeling this will be awesome.
- Write my dad at least once a week while he is in Kuwait
- Smile more
- Not worry as much
- Get my priorities straight
- Not be so scared of being alone
- Wear socks
- Listen more to APC
- Start writing again
- Excercise like a madwoman until my abs are perfect
- Get to point that dating can be better than a big relationship
- Go out on weekends
- Forgive
- Save some money
- Not procrastinate as much
- Not be so reliant on other people
- Remember that steady girlfriends last longer than guys
- Be a bit more organized
- Not update every day about every little thing
- Not wear so much eyeliner
- RELAX
- No more daily Fastbreaks
- No more starving myself ( there you go kiff)
- Rent Gia and watch it over and over again
- Make a note to watch footloose at least three times a month
- Go to at least one concert a month
- Laugh a little more
- Finish up most of my reading
- Regain most of my relationships with the girls
- Have one weekend a month all to myself
- Not be so melodramatic
- and...RELAX