(no subject)
i dunno if it's the sudden temperature change or what, but i've been feeling terrible lately :( guess it's a combination of stress, lack of sleep and doing badly in life overall :( i've been reading manga again, and it really does help lift my spirits up but in the end i still feel really down afterwards.
i've been trying to go out more, but because i work full time 6 days a week and usually am not free until 7pm if not later, it means it's really hard to go to places or meet people (if people are around). even if i do finish early, i'm usually so close to home that i can't be bothered to go out again and end up just lazing around at home. i mean even my family needs to double check whether i'm coming back home for dinner every day because of how much i work orz
i'm always tempted to just quit one or two of my jobs to get a bit more free time (i did that this year actually, i cut down on my kumon time from 4 times a week to 2/3 times) but i know financially i can't afford to do that.. at the moment i try to make friday free no matter what, but it seems like the kumon kids keep on ending up going on friday so i can't back out on it :(
rest and checking up on stuff at home just makes my mum yell at me for lazing around at home, and that continues onto pushing me to apply for a degree. the problem is i'm still not sure whether i want to be a teacher or not, and i don't want to waste my time and money doing something i ultimately won't continue on with in the end. i mean i like teaching kids and being with them, but small group teaching is different to actual classroom teaching.. i guess i just don't have the confidence now?
i do try to chat more with people, both online and offline, but time difference makes it really hard... and it seems like our interests are drifting apart? even if it's not interests, it's hard to chat with old friends when they have new friends who aren't mutual, coz it's just like a constant conversation of "oh right, i dunno him/her so i have no idea what you're talking about" and then silence for a good few minutes. this just repeats and repeats itself, and i guess everyone has a limit to where they just want to give up?
even when i get over the time difference, most of the time it's the time when people are preparing to go to sleep or just about to head off somewhere, so it's really hard to have a long conversation.. i mean like now when i just want to rant on and on, everyone is asleep and there's just no one to talk to? i do try and overcome the time difference, but most of the time that means sacrificing some sleep which is a really bad thing for me atm because of the weather & general lack of sleep.
there's also just... a general trust problem i have? when people start going out a lot, and when you ask them how was it or what did you do and they just give you short answers or half-truths? it just seems like they're ignoring you or hiding something... i mean of course some times there's no point in telling others about things they won't understand/care about and they can assume you figured out what was happening based on social media, but i guess it's just one thing to hear it from someone directly and another to have to infer everything yourself?
and to think i'm going to be seeing these people in a few weeks when school's out is just making things even more crazy than before. wish time would go slower for once >__<;;