(no subject)
i just fucking screwed everything the fuck up. BINGED and binged and binged i ate so much fucking crap and i wanna throw up my guts and my stomach so i'd never have to eat ever again. like usual however my only comfort is that it was all low cal/low fat or no fat but like fuck i hate myself for that.
plus i think i'm like, reverting into my old, awkward, stupidfuckingLOSER self. i keep fucking embarassing myself and saying the wrong thing and i know i should just shrug it off but i CANT. it's eating away at me (no pun intended) and i just want to punch a wall and make it okay but its not. i don't want to go back to that ugly outcast i was and i think its happening. i have to fucking lose this weight. i know it won't solve all my problems but if i'm gonna be a socially awkward loser i might as well be the skinniest one.
we were watching season one of america's next top model on dvd in the common room and i was like fucking hell i have to look like that. i was thinking that while i ate apple chips, rice cakes and popcorn by the handful, just methodical eating. wtf i suck at this.
i restocked my room with food (bad idea- probably why i binged so bad) but i'm happy with what i found. i bought weight watchers brown bread, which is like 90 cals for two pieces. this is gonna help out huge, so i can have like 2 pieces of toast with margarine for breakfast to help me feel full all day. i think i'm gonna fast sunday through monday.
and i'm still fucking fat. my bf was here today (he took me grocery shopping) and he wanted to see me in my rocky horror costume and i put it on and wanted to die, my stomach and thighs were GIGANTIC. he loved it though, complimenting my body and stuff and i dunno who the hell he's kidding- FAT IS FAT NO MATTER HOW BAD YOU TRY TO IGNORE IT. you can hide being thin, you can layer up and cover it - but you can't hide fat. its out there for the fucking world to see.
sorry for all the fucking swearing
i'm going to bed