(no subject)
So this week, Adam and I are house sitting his mom's house till Saturday. We've been here since Wednesday. It's nice, being here, free AC, and elec. and internet, lol. And we can just do what ever we want. It's nice, we set up our computers across from each other's in the living room, he's on one couch, I'm on the love seat, and we're super close, cause we're only using one table, lol. It's awesome. It's a little vacation for Adam and I while his parents and siblings are in Maine. :D It's nice.
Y'know how I've been worrying about money issues, and everything? Well. It finally got to me. Last night I had a nervous breakdown, and couldn't stop crying, and I felt like I had to throw up. And Everything hurt, and the room was closing in, and spinning, and all I wanted to do was hurl, and cry, and hold Adam. And I cried, and I was held by Adam, for about 45 minutes. It was about 1 am when I started freaking out. We had sex, and we were laying down talking. And then my stomach started hurting. So I rolled over, and started laying on my back, looking around the room, then I got really anxious, and nervous, and started panicing. And My stomach started hurting worse, and Adam and I were talking, and I tried ignoring it, till I mentioned to him my stomach was bothering me. He asked why, and I couldn't explain why. And that made me feel so DUMB. How does something hurt, and I know not why, or what exactly hurts, or how I feel. I couldn't answer him. So he started comforting me, and rubbing my stomach, kissing my shoulders, and rubbing my stomach, and it did make me feel better, but it wasn't enough. The room was shrinking, and spinning, and making me dizzy and for some reason I just felt so fucked up. Like everything that was inevitably going to go wrong, was going to go wrong, at that exact moment. And it's been forever since I've had my last nervous break down. I was like 11, the first one happened at 7, with Lissette.
Anyways, So I started crying. At first it was just a little bit, my eyes started to water. Nothing major. I thought I was going to be okay, I just needed to cry, like I need to do about twice a month, just lay down , and cry. And then I feel so much better after words, and that's that. But it was different this time. I didn't want to cry to feel better. I wanted to cry cause I felt bad. I can't explain it. It was horrible. I forgot how it felt to be like that.
Then Adam leaned on me, and staretd to hug me tighter, and told me I was going to be fine,and that everything was going to be okay. I think he thought it was just my stomach hurting seeing as i didn't let him know I was panicing. Untill he lifted me up, and hugged me, and was just silent, but let me cry. And then I started gasping, and freaking out even more, the more I started to cry. I was yelling, and moaning, and all I could say was "I'm freaking out. Oh my god. My god.. Oh my god" And That's what I did. When I started really crying, and freaking out, Adam sat me up, and leaned me against him, and wrapped his arms around me, and we just rocked back and forth, and I cried, and cried. All I wanted was him to hold me, and craddle me.
And my mom. I wanted my mommy to hold me, and say she loved me, and hug me, and tell me it was okay. And now I'm crying, as I type this, and listen to music, cause part of me wants to go back home, and be with Coral, and Alex, and Emma, and Lissette, and see Chris, and Dad, and Uncle, and my grandmother, and Mom. And kitty, and I feel like I've left behind everything that meant anything to me.
But I fucking love Adam. And I can't leave him, because I know if I do, this will happen all over again, but with nobody holding me, and me laying in my bad, at night, crying wishing I was with him, Wishing Adam would hold me, and craddle me, and rock back and forth with him.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. Now I'm worried Adam thinks I'm a huge nut job, and that I'm crazy, but by now you'd think he'd realize this, lol.
He'll be home in about, an hour. I'm excited. =) With moneys! And hopefully something to munch on. I told him he bring me something from a convinient store he stops at. ^_~
I'll see ya guys laterrr
Y'know how I've been worrying about money issues, and everything? Well. It finally got to me. Last night I had a nervous breakdown, and couldn't stop crying, and I felt like I had to throw up. And Everything hurt, and the room was closing in, and spinning, and all I wanted to do was hurl, and cry, and hold Adam. And I cried, and I was held by Adam, for about 45 minutes. It was about 1 am when I started freaking out. We had sex, and we were laying down talking. And then my stomach started hurting. So I rolled over, and started laying on my back, looking around the room, then I got really anxious, and nervous, and started panicing. And My stomach started hurting worse, and Adam and I were talking, and I tried ignoring it, till I mentioned to him my stomach was bothering me. He asked why, and I couldn't explain why. And that made me feel so DUMB. How does something hurt, and I know not why, or what exactly hurts, or how I feel. I couldn't answer him. So he started comforting me, and rubbing my stomach, kissing my shoulders, and rubbing my stomach, and it did make me feel better, but it wasn't enough. The room was shrinking, and spinning, and making me dizzy and for some reason I just felt so fucked up. Like everything that was inevitably going to go wrong, was going to go wrong, at that exact moment. And it's been forever since I've had my last nervous break down. I was like 11, the first one happened at 7, with Lissette.
Anyways, So I started crying. At first it was just a little bit, my eyes started to water. Nothing major. I thought I was going to be okay, I just needed to cry, like I need to do about twice a month, just lay down , and cry. And then I feel so much better after words, and that's that. But it was different this time. I didn't want to cry to feel better. I wanted to cry cause I felt bad. I can't explain it. It was horrible. I forgot how it felt to be like that.
Then Adam leaned on me, and staretd to hug me tighter, and told me I was going to be fine,and that everything was going to be okay. I think he thought it was just my stomach hurting seeing as i didn't let him know I was panicing. Untill he lifted me up, and hugged me, and was just silent, but let me cry. And then I started gasping, and freaking out even more, the more I started to cry. I was yelling, and moaning, and all I could say was "I'm freaking out. Oh my god. My god.. Oh my god" And That's what I did. When I started really crying, and freaking out, Adam sat me up, and leaned me against him, and wrapped his arms around me, and we just rocked back and forth, and I cried, and cried. All I wanted was him to hold me, and craddle me.
And my mom. I wanted my mommy to hold me, and say she loved me, and hug me, and tell me it was okay. And now I'm crying, as I type this, and listen to music, cause part of me wants to go back home, and be with Coral, and Alex, and Emma, and Lissette, and see Chris, and Dad, and Uncle, and my grandmother, and Mom. And kitty, and I feel like I've left behind everything that meant anything to me.
But I fucking love Adam. And I can't leave him, because I know if I do, this will happen all over again, but with nobody holding me, and me laying in my bad, at night, crying wishing I was with him, Wishing Adam would hold me, and craddle me, and rock back and forth with him.
I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do. Now I'm worried Adam thinks I'm a huge nut job, and that I'm crazy, but by now you'd think he'd realize this, lol.
He'll be home in about, an hour. I'm excited. =) With moneys! And hopefully something to munch on. I told him he bring me something from a convinient store he stops at. ^_~
I'll see ya guys laterrr