Where are my pictures?
Had a good cry on Sunday over missing pictures of my life. I wasn't expecting myself to cry. I can't even say that I was overly sad.
On Tuesday my HOA told me that the house next to me was sold to a brother and sister. In my mind I got a picture of two elderly adults, old bachelor and a spinster. On Thursday I saw 50tish old guy coming out of the house. I went over to introduce myself thinking that this must be the brother. Turns out it is 52 years old dad who is helping his young kids (brother and sister) to buy their first home.
I remember looking at him and thinking to myself "This could have been me!" I called D. to tell her that moment took me to a strange place of reconciling my actual life with the life I thought I'd have.
On Sunday afternoon I went to the bridal shower. It was a lovely event. I was looking at all these Jewish beauties, different in their religious observance, but all of them Shabbat observing and caught myself thinking "I was supposed to be part of this circle. Not as an occasional visitor for special events, but as a permanent member. I was a permanent member. It was me who hosted these types of events for that specific population. I have pictures of that."
On Sunday night I was putting together all the pictures to share with everyone, and I came across a picture I took of the happy couple who have courted, dated, and got engaged the way I expected to have experienced as well, and I didn't. I thought to myself "Where are my pictures of this? Why are people around me live these realities, but it skipped me?"
I bawled my eyes out for as long as I needed and moved on to embrace the pictures I have. Such is life.