A little more
Lately you've been on my mind more than usual, maybe it's because I spend the days alone, because I recently heard about you, or because the chilly winter reminds me of those nights we cuddled to stay warm. Whatever the reason, I have a feeling that this is the last I'll be missing you, and as they say, the final stretch is the hardest to get through.
Recently I've been told that you still "liked" me the night I got trashed at Johnny's. Hearing that brings up flashbacks of holding me down, telling me that I have throw up to feel better. I remember you getting me water, forcing me into the bathroom telling me it's for the best, and sitting with me by the toilet. I remember telling you that I don't need your help and that I can take care of myself. I remember you sticking your finger down my throat, insisting that we are friends and that was what friends do. And I remember biting down on your finger, knee, shoulder, because I didn't want to be left with memories of how you were kind to me. But you kept repeating, this is what friends are for.
Hearing now that you still liked me back then is... Disappointing? It showed that you weren't just doing it because we were friends. That friendship didn't and won't exist.
And hearing this also makes me wonder, what did j do that drove you away? I remember feeling the same way when David ended up with Olivian after a month or two of flirting with me. "What's wrong with me? What does she have that I don't? What line did I cross that made you turn away? What did I do wrong? Why her? Why not me?"
And I guess I'm left asking those same questions this time around. What did I do that made you stop liking me? What does she have that I don't? Is something wrong with me?
I also find myself asking questions such as: "when do you stop?" When do you stop taking chances? When do you get the hint? When he still liked me after we broke up - did I still have a chance to get him back? Should I have? When we began, I constantly told myself to take the chance. Go out with him. Tell him how you feel. He hasn't told you he likes you yet? That's okay, keep hanging out with him because one day he will - and he did. Do you feel like he's getting detached? It's okay, tell him how much he means to you and talk it out because relationships take work. Did you guys break up? Talk about it and see if he's being too quick to decide and change his mind and try again, and he did.
But when do you stop? After the first time getting blown off for his friends or work? After he breaks up with you once? After the second time? After he tells you he's falling for someone else? But how about if he says he wants to try again? If he says he still likes you? Or that he misses you?
When do you stop? I find myself asking this question time and time again.
Cue painful memories.