No Longer Hearing DINOSAURS!! (A Lot of (Pre)History Remix)
Title: No Longer Hearing DINOSAURS!! (A Lot of (Pre)History Remix)
Original: No Longer Hearing Voices by the incomparable, above-rubies
aralias
Rating: PG-13 (Oh, no one even takes a coat off, it's sad, really.)
Author:
x_los
Pairing/Characters: Five/Simm!Master
Summary: Action figure porn so deadly serious that, upon meeting it in an alley, a group of academics headed for an conference on the legacy of Max Weber paled, surrendered the field, turned around, walked home, resigned from their professorial positions and, the next day, while watching the Hills, applied for internships with Gawker. Action figure porn so unbelievably filthy that the compiler has received a salacious proposition/invitation to a quilting bee from zombie!Vladimir Nabokov, who happened to catch a glimpse of a photographic negative or three. Action figure porn that answers the irritating 'caw-kaw, caw-kaw!' noise that is the ceaseless cry of our generation for pure milk from the masectomied teat of Mother Nature--action figure porn WITH DINOSAURS!! * I said I'd do it. Where's your god now?
Silurian Sexing!** Permian Pleasures! Cretaceous Cuddling!
The famous Doctor Smith, I presume,” he said, holding out his hand. “You have no idea how excited I am to meet you at last.’
“Oh, I don’t know, Master,” the Doctor said, smiling and shaking the offered hand. “I think I have a vague idea. You’re looking very young this time, and it seems I was right: no rubbish beard. It suits you. Do you mind if I come in?”
The Master grinned more broadly and stood aside to let him pass. “Please, Doctor: be my guest.”
Five: “I remember meeting my future self, something we both know Rassilon would never allow. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think something has happened to the Time Lords, in your past and my future. Am I on the right lines?”
Master: "Well, Doctor, the absence of the Time Lords has left a vacuum in which the drums, which I've carried all my life but hardly noticed, beat on and on with nothing to dampen them. You may as well know, I hardly sleep except on the days you walk the Earth, when your comforting presence murmurs around my thoughts like a helicopter parent seeking validation from his nine year old."
Master: "Inside my head, the percussive emptiness of the nihilistic void plays upon the bongos of madness like it's Buckethead ."
Master: "It's as if there's an HE3 Kenmore Elite Super Capacity Electric Dryer Unit INSIDE MY VERY SOUL."
Five: "Don't worry, Master, I've a splendid idea as to how we might fill the cavernous, Downy-Soft emptiness the Time War has left in your sticky wicket of a psyche."
Master: "Look over there, Doctor!"
Five: "I've told you, after the time you promised me the cure for AIDS and when I looked back 'round you were handing that Salome woman a dirty burlap sack, and the four similar occasions after that, I'm never falling for that one again!"
Master: "No, really!"
Master: "It's a herd of dinosaurs!"
Five: "Blast, they've followed me from Earthshock! The TARDIS must have created a Time Corridor, and they've somehow followed me here."
Master: "Since when is that how TARDISes operate?"
Five: "I'm terribly sorry about the herd of dinosaurs eating your desk blotter, but could you see your way to getting on with this, please? This is the first fic I've ever been allowed to top anyone other than Turlough in, I'm rather excited."
Master: "Yes, I felt as much."
Master: "It's a shame I need you to fuck the pain away--I quote the Teaches of Peaches, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "because under any normal circumstances, say, if I had any sort of beard, I'd be salivating at the chance to get a piece of this regeneration's scrumptious ass--"
Master: "TOUCHE, RAJASAURUS. TOUCHE."
Five: "Hold on, Master, I'm coming to rescue you!"
Master: "Oh, like you rescued Logopolis?"
Five: "..."
Master: "Or maybe like you saved any living being other than your Ginger Snaps in Warriors of the Deep?"
Five: ".........."
Master: "Possibly like you saved Adric?"
Five: "!!!"
Master: "OR LIKE YOU SAVED THE SODDING DINOSAURS?!"
Five: "I'll save you provided you SHUT UP!"
*three serials later (if your action figure porn utilizes characters from three-era or earlier, please add at least four serials to this estimate, to allow for running around aimlessly, escaping and getting recaptured, Liz Shaw looking bored, Pertwee indulging his hard on for various modes of transportation, and/or Troughton/Frazer Hines snuggling)*
Master: "My god Doctor, from the way you defenestrated it with that cricket ball, you'd never have thought a Rajasaurus was about 25 to 30 feet (7.6 to 9 meters) long, about 8 feet (2.4 meters) tall, and weighed about 3 to 4 tons!"
Five: "Did you actually look up the dinosaur masticating you on your iphone whilst you were waiting around in its mouth, hoping I'd come to your aid before the battery died?"
Master: "Dinosaurjungle.com, my dear Doctor."
Five: "...you aren't stroking my hair with weird obsessive fondness under the deluded impression that I won't know you're doing it, are you? Because floppy as it may seem, I should point out that it is still connected to my scalp."
Master: "If you're going to roast me in the volcanic gasses of Sarn about it--"
Five: "What?"
Master: "--then I will find my OWN Carcharodontosaurus to ride back to the Ministry of Defense!
Five: "Fine, Bessie and I--"
Master: "You've named your pachycephalosaurs Bessie?"
*back at the Ministry of Defense*
Master: "Where were we?"
Five: "Before you nettled me about my less successful exploits? For some reason I'm finding it difficult to remember."
Master: "Oh come now, Doctor. I was merely playing Love Games--I quote Old Greg, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "--and perhaps also Lady GaGa."
Five: "Remember how I was disinterested in making love to you a moment ago?"
Master: "I recall a transparent lie to that effect."
Five: "If possible, I am even less interested in intercourse after you've admitted to having the musical equivalent of an STI."
Master: "I'll let you wear protective headphones, baby. As I was saying about Love Games before you rudely interrupted me, our passion is wild and animalistic, like DINOSAURS!!"
Master: "If we fight like animals, we shag like animals! If we shag like animals, we argue over the niceties of temporal physics like animals! We move in together and decide on a mutually agreeable decorative scheme like animals! We take our tea differently and mock each other about it with gentle, accustomed fondness like animals! We retire to a lovely gated community outside the Panopticon where we can grow old(er) and even more cantankerous together like animals, and then WE DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!
Five: "Something like if you give a moose a muffin?"
Master: "Why, Doctor--was that a proposition? I sincerely hope you're not bluffin' with your muffin..."
Five: "I know that previous to this you've eliminated a third of the universe, but that--that is unforgivable, Master. Besides, surely you understand that I'm--"
Master: "Like a bird, and only fly away?"
Five: "I was going to say free and unbridled, untamable, like wild horses!"
Master: "Nonsense! Really you're a pet that needs its Master."
Five: "Proud. Noble. Stallion."
Master: "Fine, I accept that this is a one-night engagement. But see if I don't get my own way in a few months and/or five regenerations."
Five: "Yes, let's not spoil our brief time together. After all, we've wasted a good hour riding various dinosaurs instead of each other. I'll even disrobe this time--"
Five: "PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A TRULY ASTOUNDING AMOUNT OF CRICKET!"
Master: "Doctor, you are not He Man, Prince of Eternia."
Five: "Shh, Master. Though my limbs are hyper-articulate, my coat is non-detachable."
*fade to black*
Five: "This black reminds me, there's some where we should be headed in the original--the Mindscape!"
Master: "Mindscape!"
Five: "Mindscape!"
Doctor Sigmund Freud: "It's only a mental model..."
Master: "On second thought, let's not plunge into your psyche to find the section that houses your memories of the novel Pamela. It is a silly place."
Five: "Farewell, Master! We'll always have your desk and several reptiles!"
Master: "Au revoir, Doctor."
Rajasaurus: "RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!"
*fin*
*Because I'm tragically late on
aralias 's remix, have some Utter Crack whilst I actually finish writing. A narrative abuse of a good portion of the action figures I could find in the basement.
**No actual Silurians were sexed in the making of this post.
Original: No Longer Hearing Voices by the incomparable, above-rubies
aralias
Rating: PG-13 (Oh, no one even takes a coat off, it's sad, really.)
Author:
x_los
Pairing/Characters: Five/Simm!Master
Summary: Action figure porn so deadly serious that, upon meeting it in an alley, a group of academics headed for an conference on the legacy of Max Weber paled, surrendered the field, turned around, walked home, resigned from their professorial positions and, the next day, while watching the Hills, applied for internships with Gawker. Action figure porn so unbelievably filthy that the compiler has received a salacious proposition/invitation to a quilting bee from zombie!Vladimir Nabokov, who happened to catch a glimpse of a photographic negative or three. Action figure porn that answers the irritating 'caw-kaw, caw-kaw!' noise that is the ceaseless cry of our generation for pure milk from the masectomied teat of Mother Nature--action figure porn WITH DINOSAURS!! * I said I'd do it. Where's your god now?
Silurian Sexing!** Permian Pleasures! Cretaceous Cuddling!
The famous Doctor Smith, I presume,” he said, holding out his hand. “You have no idea how excited I am to meet you at last.’
“Oh, I don’t know, Master,” the Doctor said, smiling and shaking the offered hand. “I think I have a vague idea. You’re looking very young this time, and it seems I was right: no rubbish beard. It suits you. Do you mind if I come in?”
The Master grinned more broadly and stood aside to let him pass. “Please, Doctor: be my guest.”
Five: “I remember meeting my future self, something we both know Rassilon would never allow. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but I think something has happened to the Time Lords, in your past and my future. Am I on the right lines?”
Master: "Well, Doctor, the absence of the Time Lords has left a vacuum in which the drums, which I've carried all my life but hardly noticed, beat on and on with nothing to dampen them. You may as well know, I hardly sleep except on the days you walk the Earth, when your comforting presence murmurs around my thoughts like a helicopter parent seeking validation from his nine year old."
Master: "Inside my head, the percussive emptiness of the nihilistic void plays upon the bongos of madness like it's Buckethead ."
Master: "It's as if there's an HE3 Kenmore Elite Super Capacity Electric Dryer Unit INSIDE MY VERY SOUL."
Five: "Don't worry, Master, I've a splendid idea as to how we might fill the cavernous, Downy-Soft emptiness the Time War has left in your sticky wicket of a psyche."
Master: "Look over there, Doctor!"
Five: "I've told you, after the time you promised me the cure for AIDS and when I looked back 'round you were handing that Salome woman a dirty burlap sack, and the four similar occasions after that, I'm never falling for that one again!"
Master: "No, really!"
Master: "It's a herd of dinosaurs!"
Five: "Blast, they've followed me from Earthshock! The TARDIS must have created a Time Corridor, and they've somehow followed me here."
Master: "Since when is that how TARDISes operate?"
Five: "I'm terribly sorry about the herd of dinosaurs eating your desk blotter, but could you see your way to getting on with this, please? This is the first fic I've ever been allowed to top anyone other than Turlough in, I'm rather excited."
Master: "Yes, I felt as much."
Master: "It's a shame I need you to fuck the pain away--I quote the Teaches of Peaches, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "because under any normal circumstances, say, if I had any sort of beard, I'd be salivating at the chance to get a piece of this regeneration's scrumptious ass--"
Master: "TOUCHE, RAJASAURUS. TOUCHE."
Five: "Hold on, Master, I'm coming to rescue you!"
Master: "Oh, like you rescued Logopolis?"
Five: "..."
Master: "Or maybe like you saved any living being other than your Ginger Snaps in Warriors of the Deep?"
Five: ".........."
Master: "Possibly like you saved Adric?"
Five: "!!!"
Master: "OR LIKE YOU SAVED THE SODDING DINOSAURS?!"
Five: "I'll save you provided you SHUT UP!"
*three serials later (if your action figure porn utilizes characters from three-era or earlier, please add at least four serials to this estimate, to allow for running around aimlessly, escaping and getting recaptured, Liz Shaw looking bored, Pertwee indulging his hard on for various modes of transportation, and/or Troughton/Frazer Hines snuggling)*
Master: "My god Doctor, from the way you defenestrated it with that cricket ball, you'd never have thought a Rajasaurus was about 25 to 30 feet (7.6 to 9 meters) long, about 8 feet (2.4 meters) tall, and weighed about 3 to 4 tons!"
Five: "Did you actually look up the dinosaur masticating you on your iphone whilst you were waiting around in its mouth, hoping I'd come to your aid before the battery died?"
Master: "Dinosaurjungle.com, my dear Doctor."
Five: "...you aren't stroking my hair with weird obsessive fondness under the deluded impression that I won't know you're doing it, are you? Because floppy as it may seem, I should point out that it is still connected to my scalp."
Master: "If you're going to roast me in the volcanic gasses of Sarn about it--"
Five: "What?"
Master: "--then I will find my OWN Carcharodontosaurus to ride back to the Ministry of Defense!
Five: "Fine, Bessie and I--"
Master: "You've named your pachycephalosaurs Bessie?"
*back at the Ministry of Defense*
Master: "Where were we?"
Five: "Before you nettled me about my less successful exploits? For some reason I'm finding it difficult to remember."
Master: "Oh come now, Doctor. I was merely playing Love Games--I quote Old Greg, Doctor--"
Five: "Naturally."
Master: "--and perhaps also Lady GaGa."
Five: "Remember how I was disinterested in making love to you a moment ago?"
Master: "I recall a transparent lie to that effect."
Five: "If possible, I am even less interested in intercourse after you've admitted to having the musical equivalent of an STI."
Master: "I'll let you wear protective headphones, baby. As I was saying about Love Games before you rudely interrupted me, our passion is wild and animalistic, like DINOSAURS!!"
Master: "If we fight like animals, we shag like animals! If we shag like animals, we argue over the niceties of temporal physics like animals! We move in together and decide on a mutually agreeable decorative scheme like animals! We take our tea differently and mock each other about it with gentle, accustomed fondness like animals! We retire to a lovely gated community outside the Panopticon where we can grow old(er) and even more cantankerous together like animals, and then WE DIE LIKE ANIMALS!!
Five: "Something like if you give a moose a muffin?"
Master: "Why, Doctor--was that a proposition? I sincerely hope you're not bluffin' with your muffin..."
Five: "I know that previous to this you've eliminated a third of the universe, but that--that is unforgivable, Master. Besides, surely you understand that I'm--"
Master: "Like a bird, and only fly away?"
Five: "I was going to say free and unbridled, untamable, like wild horses!"
Master: "Nonsense! Really you're a pet that needs its Master."
Five: "Proud. Noble. Stallion."
Master: "Fine, I accept that this is a one-night engagement. But see if I don't get my own way in a few months and/or five regenerations."
Five: "Yes, let's not spoil our brief time together. After all, we've wasted a good hour riding various dinosaurs instead of each other. I'll even disrobe this time--"
Five: "PLEASE NOTE THAT I HAVE BEEN PLAYING A TRULY ASTOUNDING AMOUNT OF CRICKET!"
Master: "Doctor, you are not He Man, Prince of Eternia."
Five: "Shh, Master. Though my limbs are hyper-articulate, my coat is non-detachable."
*fade to black*
Five: "This black reminds me, there's some where we should be headed in the original--the Mindscape!"
Master: "Mindscape!"
Five: "Mindscape!"
Doctor Sigmund Freud: "It's only a mental model..."
Master: "On second thought, let's not plunge into your psyche to find the section that houses your memories of the novel Pamela. It is a silly place."
Five: "Farewell, Master! We'll always have your desk and several reptiles!"
Master: "Au revoir, Doctor."
Rajasaurus: "RAAAAAAAAWR!!!!!"
*fin*
*Because I'm tragically late on
aralias 's remix, have some Utter Crack whilst I actually finish writing. A narrative abuse of a good portion of the action figures I could find in the basement.
**No actual Silurians were sexed in the making of this post.