Definitely the best fic ever written by a human. Ever.
So perhaps I should disclaim this by saying OMG DON'T LOOK. If you haven't followed the magical AU devolution of a certain poor, poor Shakespeare character, you will not get the following at all. And it is Too Special For You, I swear it.
All sizeism is incidental: it is Fat Ham Ham alone who sucks. Everything he can. Because he hopes it's edible. *
TO REGAN'S POETIK VIZIONZ
'OH GOD,' WHIMPERED THE MIGHTY FIRE LORD OZAI INTO THE NEAREST SUCCULENT PINK JOWEL FOLD, 'NEVER HAVE I KNOWN A FIRE INSIDE THAT BURNED AS BRIGHT AND HOT AS THIS PLEASURE!'
'YOU CAN ROAST YOUR OWN MEAT,' PURRED FAT HAM HAM FROM BENEATH HIS GIBBERING LIPS, WHICH HAD THEIR OWN WEE ROLLS OF FAT ON THEM. HIS CAUTIOUS TONGUE VENTURED OUT TO LICK THE PINK EXPANSES OF HIS NEEDY MOUTH-HOLE. IT LOOKED LIKE NOTHING SO MUCH AS THE SHRIVELED TIP OF A PIGGY IN A BLANKET. 'I LIKE THAT IN A MAN. HORATIO HAD TO /BUILD/ A FIRE, LIKE A PUSSY--BUT YOU--YOU HAVE THE FIRE WITHIN'
THE FIRE LORD PANTED LIKE POLONIUS DID WHEN ENSCONED IN HIS SPECIAL HIDING SPOT BEHIND A CURTAIN, WHERE HE ENJOYED WATCHING GERTRUDE ATTEND TO HER TOILETTE. THE SOUND WOULD HAVE ANGERED FAT HAM HAM, BUT HE WAS MADDENED WITH DESIRE TO NOSH ON THE FIRE LORD’S MEATSTUFFS-BOTH ANIMAL AND, Y’KNOW, ANIMAL.
‘BABY,’ HAM-HAM TENDERLY SCHMOOZED, QUOTING THE LESS-KNOWN EARLY WORK OF THE TORI AMOS VEHICLE ‘Y KANT TORI READ?’, ‘IT BURNS TO BE YOUR FIRE ON THE SIDE.’
THE FIRE LORD, SPURRED TO NEW HEIGHTS BY THIS DEEPLY FELT DECLARATION, RUTTED AGAINST FAT HAM HAM’S SIDE LIKE A MOOSE DENIED A MUFFIN-BELLOWING AND CANADIAN. HIS WEEPING COCK LEFT A TRAIL OF JUICES ALL OVER FAT HAM HAM’S SLICK, SPAM-TEXTURED SELF. HE WOULD EAT THEM LATER.
THE THOUGHT OF THE EVENTUAL PICNIC WHEN HE MANAGED TO FIND THIS TREAT SOMEWHERE ON HIS HAM SELF PROOVED TOO MUCH-HAM HAM FELL OVER IN HIS EXPLOSION INTO BLISS. RIGHT INTO A VERY CONVENIENT CANDELABRA TOTALLY /NOT/ PLACED THERE BY ANY PRECOCIOUS PRINCESSES CONCERNED THAT HER FATHER MIGHT PREFERENCE ANYONE ABOVE HEr IN SUCCESSION OUT OF A CRAZED BESOTEMENT BECAUSE SHE’S READ GIBBON’S ‘THE FALL OF ROME’ EARLIER THAT WEEK AND HEARD ALL ABOUT THAT ‘CROWN MY FAVORITE PONY’ NERO BULLSHIT.
HAM HAM CAUGHT FIRE. HE BURNED TOO FAST TO ADAQUATELY SOLILIQUY ABOUT IT FOR AN IMPROBABLE PERIOD OF TIME AFTER RECEIVING A MORTAL WOUND. THIS, FOR FAT HAM HAM, WOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST INDIGNITY OF ALL.
THE FIRE LORD, DERAILED FROM HIS MEATY PASSIONS, TRIED, TEARFULLY, TO DOUSE HIS LOVE. BUT YOU SEE, HAMHAM WAS FAR TOO FATTY TO BE SO QUENCHED: HE WENT UP LIKE CANDLE IN WIND.
SONGFIC TIME!
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
AND FAT HAM HAM DIED AS HE LIVED: INSATIABLE.
AND SMELLY.
AND THEN OZAI BANISHED ZUKO IN A FIT OF RAGE-DARKPAST! BACKSTORY! NEXT UP: ZUTARA!!
*At some point I think R decided that in his emo, Hamlet would become a self-obsessed compulsive eater. I believe Kel coined the immortal 'wah, my dad is ded.' But I am responsible for the 'loving' nickname 'Ham Ham.'** And the creators of Avatar for Ozai. And Tori Amos for herself.
**Don't be fooled. This is actually one of my favorite plays. o_O
All sizeism is incidental: it is Fat Ham Ham alone who sucks. Everything he can. Because he hopes it's edible. *
TO REGAN'S POETIK VIZIONZ
'OH GOD,' WHIMPERED THE MIGHTY FIRE LORD OZAI INTO THE NEAREST SUCCULENT PINK JOWEL FOLD, 'NEVER HAVE I KNOWN A FIRE INSIDE THAT BURNED AS BRIGHT AND HOT AS THIS PLEASURE!'
'YOU CAN ROAST YOUR OWN MEAT,' PURRED FAT HAM HAM FROM BENEATH HIS GIBBERING LIPS, WHICH HAD THEIR OWN WEE ROLLS OF FAT ON THEM. HIS CAUTIOUS TONGUE VENTURED OUT TO LICK THE PINK EXPANSES OF HIS NEEDY MOUTH-HOLE. IT LOOKED LIKE NOTHING SO MUCH AS THE SHRIVELED TIP OF A PIGGY IN A BLANKET. 'I LIKE THAT IN A MAN. HORATIO HAD TO /BUILD/ A FIRE, LIKE A PUSSY--BUT YOU--YOU HAVE THE FIRE WITHIN'
THE FIRE LORD PANTED LIKE POLONIUS DID WHEN ENSCONED IN HIS SPECIAL HIDING SPOT BEHIND A CURTAIN, WHERE HE ENJOYED WATCHING GERTRUDE ATTEND TO HER TOILETTE. THE SOUND WOULD HAVE ANGERED FAT HAM HAM, BUT HE WAS MADDENED WITH DESIRE TO NOSH ON THE FIRE LORD’S MEATSTUFFS-BOTH ANIMAL AND, Y’KNOW, ANIMAL.
‘BABY,’ HAM-HAM TENDERLY SCHMOOZED, QUOTING THE LESS-KNOWN EARLY WORK OF THE TORI AMOS VEHICLE ‘Y KANT TORI READ?’, ‘IT BURNS TO BE YOUR FIRE ON THE SIDE.’
THE FIRE LORD, SPURRED TO NEW HEIGHTS BY THIS DEEPLY FELT DECLARATION, RUTTED AGAINST FAT HAM HAM’S SIDE LIKE A MOOSE DENIED A MUFFIN-BELLOWING AND CANADIAN. HIS WEEPING COCK LEFT A TRAIL OF JUICES ALL OVER FAT HAM HAM’S SLICK, SPAM-TEXTURED SELF. HE WOULD EAT THEM LATER.
THE THOUGHT OF THE EVENTUAL PICNIC WHEN HE MANAGED TO FIND THIS TREAT SOMEWHERE ON HIS HAM SELF PROOVED TOO MUCH-HAM HAM FELL OVER IN HIS EXPLOSION INTO BLISS. RIGHT INTO A VERY CONVENIENT CANDELABRA TOTALLY /NOT/ PLACED THERE BY ANY PRECOCIOUS PRINCESSES CONCERNED THAT HER FATHER MIGHT PREFERENCE ANYONE ABOVE HEr IN SUCCESSION OUT OF A CRAZED BESOTEMENT BECAUSE SHE’S READ GIBBON’S ‘THE FALL OF ROME’ EARLIER THAT WEEK AND HEARD ALL ABOUT THAT ‘CROWN MY FAVORITE PONY’ NERO BULLSHIT.
HAM HAM CAUGHT FIRE. HE BURNED TOO FAST TO ADAQUATELY SOLILIQUY ABOUT IT FOR AN IMPROBABLE PERIOD OF TIME AFTER RECEIVING A MORTAL WOUND. THIS, FOR FAT HAM HAM, WOULD HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST INDIGNITY OF ALL.
THE FIRE LORD, DERAILED FROM HIS MEATY PASSIONS, TRIED, TEARFULLY, TO DOUSE HIS LOVE. BUT YOU SEE, HAMHAM WAS FAR TOO FATTY TO BE SO QUENCHED: HE WENT UP LIKE CANDLE IN WIND.
SONGFIC TIME!
And it seems to me you lived your life
Like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
And I would have liked to have known you
But I was just a kid
Your candle burned out long before
Your legend ever did
AND FAT HAM HAM DIED AS HE LIVED: INSATIABLE.
AND SMELLY.
AND THEN OZAI BANISHED ZUKO IN A FIT OF RAGE-DARKPAST! BACKSTORY! NEXT UP: ZUTARA!!
*At some point I think R decided that in his emo, Hamlet would become a self-obsessed compulsive eater. I believe Kel coined the immortal 'wah, my dad is ded.' But I am responsible for the 'loving' nickname 'Ham Ham.'** And the creators of Avatar for Ozai. And Tori Amos for herself.
**Don't be fooled. This is actually one of my favorite plays. o_O