fUck iT aLL UP
why is it that when things go well... they just fuck up out of no where. i feel everything much more then most people as im sure most people "like me" would understand. i fucking hate it. i fucking hate the passion. the intensity. people love that about me. and i fucking hate it. i just want to close my eyes. i want to sleep it off. and sadly sometimes its just not worth waking up for anymore. i look at the sky as tears run down my face and i wonder wtf happened to the world. i wonder wtf happened to MY world and to MY life. i wonder if itll get better. or if itll get better and get worse then before. cause thats all that seems to happen. im so fucking tired. sometimes i want to cut the hell out of my arms again just to end up back in hospital. in that little world that they make for us. it was safe. the only person i had to fear was myself. and ironically... and sadly... that is the safest and most comforting world i have EVER been in. i had friends that were just as insane as me. i had my "parental" guidence. we were a family. and i need that. i want that. how fucking fucked up can you be to feel at home in a fucking mental institute? god how badly i just want to bleed. and how i kno that its not the answer how many people ill be hurting by doing it. WHY DO I CARE SO MUCH!?! why is it that phil and ashley and everyone that i love and loves me stops me from doing it!?! WHY AM I THAT WEAK TO LET MY EMOTIONS GET IN THE WAY OF MY SATISFACTION!?! "to bleed is to know that youre alive"- HIM *buried alive by love*. it couldnt be more true. the thing IIIIIIIIIIIS that love makes me feel alive too. BEING LOVED and LOVING is the most satisfying feeling ever! the most disappointing feeling... and the problem that has risen all these feelings in me: NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE THEM SEE JUST HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM AND WHAT YOU WOULD DO TO MAKE THEM HAPPY! i fucking hate it. I HATE IT!!! i hate the disappointing look i get for you all when i say something wrong. i hate the tears you cry when i make a mistake. I HATE THAT I LOVE YOU AND I HURT YOU! im tired of causing sorrow. im tired of feeling the sorrow myself. im just fucking TIRED!!! and i want nothing more than to kno that someone fucking cares and that they love me and that everyone i love DOES KNO HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE THEM!!! -ignition out-