sunsets and car crashes
so... im supposed to be going to school. its 7:36. school starts at 7:45. i have yet to shower. and today i must shave. so i think i will be late. if i go at all.
yesterday was damn stressful. stupid fights with phil. both of us aggrivated with the heat. great trip to starbucks with ashley. and another stupid fight... this time with my mom.
im so tired of standing up to everyone idea of who i should be. these fucking standards can go to hell! i feel like i have one person REALLY supporting ME. there for ME. and thats ashley.
i adore her. everything about her. just HER. its so hard to explain. i dont want her life. i dont want to be her. i just look to her for strength. shes there to make me laugh. to cry with. to have starbucks with. soon to be pierced with lol. theres just so much to her as a person... shes beautiful. absolutely the best girl i have ever known. i love you ashley!!!
then there's phil. hes learning to kno me. and whats me. and what i do. how i think. i saw a picture of his ex. shes gorgeous. blonde. cheerleader. sorta tall. thin. fat arms tho lol. i asked how i could ever compare to that. and he said all his ex's look like her. that if they were right for him he'd still be with them. but hes tired of that. of the LOOK. that im different.
me and ashley talked about that. why guys like me. i think i understand. and i think ashley does too. her and i are just too alike. i love it!!! its sorta sad when someone wants you cause of your personality tho. i wanna be wanted! i wanna be lusted after! is that too much to ask!?!
im feeling ugly. fat. ignored. unloved. and no one is making my feel this way. its just in me right now. why is that? I DONT GET IT!!! and its DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
♥
yesterday was damn stressful. stupid fights with phil. both of us aggrivated with the heat. great trip to starbucks with ashley. and another stupid fight... this time with my mom.
im so tired of standing up to everyone idea of who i should be. these fucking standards can go to hell! i feel like i have one person REALLY supporting ME. there for ME. and thats ashley.
i adore her. everything about her. just HER. its so hard to explain. i dont want her life. i dont want to be her. i just look to her for strength. shes there to make me laugh. to cry with. to have starbucks with. soon to be pierced with lol. theres just so much to her as a person... shes beautiful. absolutely the best girl i have ever known. i love you ashley!!!
then there's phil. hes learning to kno me. and whats me. and what i do. how i think. i saw a picture of his ex. shes gorgeous. blonde. cheerleader. sorta tall. thin. fat arms tho lol. i asked how i could ever compare to that. and he said all his ex's look like her. that if they were right for him he'd still be with them. but hes tired of that. of the LOOK. that im different.
me and ashley talked about that. why guys like me. i think i understand. and i think ashley does too. her and i are just too alike. i love it!!! its sorta sad when someone wants you cause of your personality tho. i wanna be wanted! i wanna be lusted after! is that too much to ask!?!
im feeling ugly. fat. ignored. unloved. and no one is making my feel this way. its just in me right now. why is that? I DONT GET IT!!! and its DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!
♥