(no subject)
so this is my life right now...in a nutshell.
school is beyond stressful at this point. not only am i overwhelmed with my work load, but i'm stressing about if i'm even cut out for this. everything for these classes are so expensive, and at this rate i'm never going to be able to actually live on my own. let alone ever get the camera i want for my career.
anytime i like someone, something manages to go wrong with it. but only when i genuinely like the person and feel it could actually be something great.
case 1: he leaves and joins the army, obviously thats not gonna work.
case 2: he lives back home where i'm from, which is no longer my home. and is too far away for us to even attempt to make anything work out. because neither one of us has enough money to go back and forth.
case 3: my favorite... i get the friend line. i normally get that one when my feelings are strong.."kayla, i just see you as a friend."
seriously, for every man and woman out there...dont use that line. it fucks people up. theywill sit and wonder what they are doing wrong. why they keep getting this line from people. how they can try no to do whatever it was that caused this to happen...try to figure out if everyone this far sees me as just a friend, i wonder if i'm ever meant to be with anybody. or am i meant to always be "the friend"? etc. i'm not gonna lie, i've used the friend line when absolutely needed. but after recieving that cursed line so many times, i've thought long and hard about it, and what it can do to people. i will never use that line again...i hate it.
...i digress.
i feel like i'm losing touch with myself. or maybe its actually the opposite, i'm really not sure. i am becoming more and more apathetic towards life..and everything in it. i want to live and enjoy it, but at the same time just dont give a damn anymore. i dont know what's wrong with me. i dont know if i just havent found my purpose yet, or if i'm just depressed or becoming depressed. i'm tired all the time, i have no motivation to do anything. granted i enjoy spending time with my friends, but after a while i just kind of want to leave and be alone. i really hate it. i think too much and it doesnt help anything. i'm constantly trying to figure out how i can be surrounded by my friends and other people and still feel alone and empty. it honestly scares me. and it scares me how well i can hide it. i havent felt this useless and helpless since high school. and i dont know what to do anymore. i just hope i'll pull myself out of this and it gets better.
i've realized that there is a reason i dont update my livejournal, or my blog. it's because no one reads them...granted they're mostly for my to just vent, get mixed up shit in my head onto something else in words to try and make more sense of thoughts. but its never anything interesting, so i never do it. but i felt the need to write this one, i'm not entirely sure why. i'm sure no one will read it like usual. but i suppose that'll be okay for this one. cause i'm sure it sounds horribly depressed and people are gonna worry, or act like they worry..and i dont wanna deal with it. i'll be fine i'm sure, i just need time to figure out my life. organize it into something less pathetic than what it has become. something that is actually a life that i'm living and not just existing. i'm sick of existing, i want to live...i'm ready to live.
"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all"
-Oscar Wilde
school is beyond stressful at this point. not only am i overwhelmed with my work load, but i'm stressing about if i'm even cut out for this. everything for these classes are so expensive, and at this rate i'm never going to be able to actually live on my own. let alone ever get the camera i want for my career.
anytime i like someone, something manages to go wrong with it. but only when i genuinely like the person and feel it could actually be something great.
case 1: he leaves and joins the army, obviously thats not gonna work.
case 2: he lives back home where i'm from, which is no longer my home. and is too far away for us to even attempt to make anything work out. because neither one of us has enough money to go back and forth.
case 3: my favorite... i get the friend line. i normally get that one when my feelings are strong.."kayla, i just see you as a friend."
seriously, for every man and woman out there...dont use that line. it fucks people up. theywill sit and wonder what they are doing wrong. why they keep getting this line from people. how they can try no to do whatever it was that caused this to happen...try to figure out if everyone this far sees me as just a friend, i wonder if i'm ever meant to be with anybody. or am i meant to always be "the friend"? etc. i'm not gonna lie, i've used the friend line when absolutely needed. but after recieving that cursed line so many times, i've thought long and hard about it, and what it can do to people. i will never use that line again...i hate it.
...i digress.
i feel like i'm losing touch with myself. or maybe its actually the opposite, i'm really not sure. i am becoming more and more apathetic towards life..and everything in it. i want to live and enjoy it, but at the same time just dont give a damn anymore. i dont know what's wrong with me. i dont know if i just havent found my purpose yet, or if i'm just depressed or becoming depressed. i'm tired all the time, i have no motivation to do anything. granted i enjoy spending time with my friends, but after a while i just kind of want to leave and be alone. i really hate it. i think too much and it doesnt help anything. i'm constantly trying to figure out how i can be surrounded by my friends and other people and still feel alone and empty. it honestly scares me. and it scares me how well i can hide it. i havent felt this useless and helpless since high school. and i dont know what to do anymore. i just hope i'll pull myself out of this and it gets better.
i've realized that there is a reason i dont update my livejournal, or my blog. it's because no one reads them...granted they're mostly for my to just vent, get mixed up shit in my head onto something else in words to try and make more sense of thoughts. but its never anything interesting, so i never do it. but i felt the need to write this one, i'm not entirely sure why. i'm sure no one will read it like usual. but i suppose that'll be okay for this one. cause i'm sure it sounds horribly depressed and people are gonna worry, or act like they worry..and i dont wanna deal with it. i'll be fine i'm sure, i just need time to figure out my life. organize it into something less pathetic than what it has become. something that is actually a life that i'm living and not just existing. i'm sick of existing, i want to live...i'm ready to live.
"to live is the rarest thing in the world. most people exist, that is all"
-Oscar Wilde