(no subject)
so live journal sucks.
but its nice to vent without the whole world.
I really need to stop and think about what I have in front of me. My boyfriend is the best thing that has ever happened to me and all Im doing is pushing him away by trying to make him perfect. I dont want perfect. I just want both of us to be happy. ya I disagree with some of the things he says and does but any girl would. and now that I sit and think about it maybe he does these things because of the way I treat him sometimes. I mean if someone was constantly going through my things and making accusations based on what someone said and what not, I wouldnt want to admit they had a gf either. I really cant loose him because I dont know what its like without him. I love being with him and I love being around him. Im starting to think that Ive have way too many chances to prove to him Im going to stop and Im going to get better but I dont have the slightest clue as to why I cant stop. I have insecurity problems but I need to get over them because all it is doing is tearing us apart. I want the boyfriend that adores me and wants to be with me because of who I am... and who I am to him is not who I really am. maybe asking one more chance is too much, and I dont deserve it, but I dont know how to explain to him that he made his point, I know damn well I could loose him and I cant do that. he means the world to me and for me to get pissed over some of the stupid things I do is pathetic. maybe if I stopped complaining about them maybe he would stop. from the looks of how things are now.. the only thing that is barely keeping us there is love. if he didnt love me then he would be out in a heart beat, and I cant live with that. Ive tried for 2 years to be the girlfriend that he wants to brag about and wants to be with all the time and I end up being the psycho gf that I promised myself I would never be. I dont know whats going to happen but I dont know how to show him that Im done with all that. Ive made too many promises to him that I would change that and hes lost all belief in me because there is something in me that feels the need to always check up on him. I cant deal with this pain anymore because all the work ive put into trying to make him happy, and show him that not all girls are alike and someone can really care about him and love him more than anything, its all been wasted on me being a nosy girlfriend. do I deserve another chance?? no.. did I deserve the last chance I got.. no, but I cant express in words how hurt I would be if I lost the greatest thing in my life right now, knowing that I caused it. we both know there are changes that need to made and Im ready to make them now. I cant risk this anymore. I asked if he could see himself with me in the future and he said "if I changed" that shows me that the person I could really actually see myself with forever isnt willing to be with the person I am now. Im not happy with the person I am now, and neither is he and it hurts. all in all.. we all make mistakes... really stupid ones at that, and if you love someone you should take every chance to tell them how much they mean to you.. you should stop and think about things you are about to do or say before you do them because you may not know everything and it could lead to something that could have been prevented in the first place, and if you truely love someone, it shouldnt matter how many chances they deserve, if you really believe in what you have, you believe that you could be as happy as you once were, and you know what all you could loose, you should give them one more. Im not asking anymore. Im begging.
I cant lose this.