(no subject)
I can't even begin to describe how I am.
I've found myself slipping back into the way i was almost 6 years ago.
I'm loosing control, and I'm not sure if i can survive it again.
I'm n ot suicidal, rather just indiferant again.
Life / Death, it's all the same, both are a big hole, a dark abyse.
The differance being 6 years ago i despised life, and the outside of my four walls, i was content with them, they were my security, my saviour, my comfort, i knew i awlays had them.
now they feel like my cell and i think know i crave the outside, and yet when i do get out i feel nothing but anger and indiferance for the world, the pointlessness of it all.
the apathetic way in which everyone lives their livees enrages me, they have no interest except to be part of the crown, and they dare to grow outraged when i dare to challange their pack mentality with a little bit of opinion.
I'm sick of this town and its dirty minnions, i want out! and yet i want nothing to change for fear i'll forget who you were.
I can't help but despair at how life works and the way fate deals it's blows.
I think know i need a saviour, but who can save me but myself?.
and how can I when every door i tinhk i open turns into a window, leaving me trapped where i am.
To quote placebo "it's the disease of the age, it's the disease which we crave", we are all stuck with our apathy, neurosis and dispair, yet when it lifts i find myself paralised, unable to move, incapable of doing anything productive, and so i crave this state of mind.
When i find myself in happy periods i long for my functionability, my creativity, to return, i long for my apathy and the sheer urgancy it causes me.
for then, at least my mind can function and my awareness of life returns.
At the sake of my emotional wellbeing, for when i'm like this emotion is mearly a play act, with me putting all the right lines in just the right places.
my mind races with creative ideas, so much so that i find myself unable to concetraite on the physical world, my body is tense with anticipation, and i'm not even sure what it is anticipating.
however i know it wont last, my moods range from sheer exhileration to coplete dispair and i know that soon my body will exhaust itself and crash.
My mind is racing, and i can't even focus, eye contact isnt even an option right now, it takes to much effort to make them sit still long enough to even allow for focus on anything.
I can't describe how exhilerated i feel right now, even though when i started writting this i felt so disparing, there's a million things i want too do, a million tihngs i am sure i could do, surelly this isn't normal?
i feel high, and yet i've taken nothing.
i used to hurt myself to controll myself when i felt like this, it gave me something definate to focus on.
But i don't do that anymore, it's really not good for me.
I need somewhere to focus my energy, anywhere.
I don't know, i feel so exhillerated, it hurts.
I've found myself slipping back into the way i was almost 6 years ago.
I'm loosing control, and I'm not sure if i can survive it again.
I'm n ot suicidal, rather just indiferant again.
Life / Death, it's all the same, both are a big hole, a dark abyse.
The differance being 6 years ago i despised life, and the outside of my four walls, i was content with them, they were my security, my saviour, my comfort, i knew i awlays had them.
now they feel like my cell and i think know i crave the outside, and yet when i do get out i feel nothing but anger and indiferance for the world, the pointlessness of it all.
the apathetic way in which everyone lives their livees enrages me, they have no interest except to be part of the crown, and they dare to grow outraged when i dare to challange their pack mentality with a little bit of opinion.
I'm sick of this town and its dirty minnions, i want out! and yet i want nothing to change for fear i'll forget who you were.
I can't help but despair at how life works and the way fate deals it's blows.
I think know i need a saviour, but who can save me but myself?.
and how can I when every door i tinhk i open turns into a window, leaving me trapped where i am.
To quote placebo "it's the disease of the age, it's the disease which we crave", we are all stuck with our apathy, neurosis and dispair, yet when it lifts i find myself paralised, unable to move, incapable of doing anything productive, and so i crave this state of mind.
When i find myself in happy periods i long for my functionability, my creativity, to return, i long for my apathy and the sheer urgancy it causes me.
for then, at least my mind can function and my awareness of life returns.
At the sake of my emotional wellbeing, for when i'm like this emotion is mearly a play act, with me putting all the right lines in just the right places.
my mind races with creative ideas, so much so that i find myself unable to concetraite on the physical world, my body is tense with anticipation, and i'm not even sure what it is anticipating.
however i know it wont last, my moods range from sheer exhileration to coplete dispair and i know that soon my body will exhaust itself and crash.
My mind is racing, and i can't even focus, eye contact isnt even an option right now, it takes to much effort to make them sit still long enough to even allow for focus on anything.
I can't describe how exhilerated i feel right now, even though when i started writting this i felt so disparing, there's a million things i want too do, a million tihngs i am sure i could do, surelly this isn't normal?
i feel high, and yet i've taken nothing.
i used to hurt myself to controll myself when i felt like this, it gave me something definate to focus on.
But i don't do that anymore, it's really not good for me.
I need somewhere to focus my energy, anywhere.
I don't know, i feel so exhillerated, it hurts.