he talks in maths.
i wasnt quite as nervous about this paper until i saw that hannah was nervous. when hannah freaks out for me over something, ive got a pretty good idea that im already screwed. 8-10 pages, 15 sources, at least 5 of which must be scholarly journals, 150 note cards, bibliography. due monday, may 17. how far along am i? well... i checked out some books. bought some index cards. and ive hilighted sporadically through the 45 pages of one of the books i have read. the only one. ehehehe... holy shit. so screwed. counts as 3 test grades, as well. fucking awesome. of all the things i choose to back out on all year, it had to be this. excellent judgement, megan. superb. no, really. pfft.
i got written up today. for the first and only time in my entire high school career. 3 weeks from graduation with a spotless record, and BAM. for fucks sakes, how can i be penalized for being 3 seconds late on a few occasions? even if i am late, the only person it could potentially hurt is me, and its obviously not as ive never missed anything by walking into class that late. i think the part that really sucks, however, aside from having to spend 45 minutes in detention for the total of 15 seconds ive been late, is that i have spent the entire year making a mad dash every morning to get to first block on time, just barely scraping by with close calls that brought me sneaking in the door during the moment of silenc, and i get written up not for that class... but for my fucking third block class, which i have never worried about. well god damn. as long as my parents find out, then i guess its ok. detention doesnt bother me... but the fuck if it wouldnt make my parents crazy. so this is right up there on the list with that ticket i got. just sweeping the dirt under the proverbial rug.
after school i went to the mall to ask off for the days i need next week.... ok, who am i kidding, i went to stare at chris. X) but after that i spent 2 hours wandering in and out of stores trying on dresses for something to wear to graduation. and of course, every dress i find that i like is strapless, which is strictly & absolutely forbidden. and after all, how can a girl be so audacious as to expose her bare shoulders in public? indeed, some nerve i have. and, in case you werent aware, yes, those pencil-thin "spaghetti straps" do make a monumental difference. but dont worry if you didnt know. until a few days ago, neither did i. fucking bastards. and we have to get white shoes. ?! because after i spend at least $30 dollars on them, ill never wear them again. oh, good! they said no dark shoes because last year they tried that and ended up with dark blue, dark brown, black, dark purple... well.... lets see... what could one say instead? perhaps... i dont know... black?! because the guys will obviously not be wearing white shoes. le grr! but even so, i dont mind as much... it just makes me extra angry when i spend time searching for a dress and i cant find a damn thing. im not sure where else to look. i found this kick ass red dress today... also strapless. bah.
andrew & i went to summerville during our non-second block. i love my pepe =) he needed to have a watched resized so he invited me along (also because he wanted me to buy him cigarettes) and so i accepted the invitation and, as usual, had an awesome time hanging out with him. it took forever at the jeweler, though, so i ended up sitting outside. and after awhile he joined me and we smoked before finally leaving. mostly the drive was nice... save that one little bit of time when he decided to tell me that i remind of a country girl. ((scowls)) i cringed. of course, when he explained it, it wasnt nearly as bad as all the things that came to my mind when i think of someone that way. but still... ick. he said it was because id talked about growing up on my grandparents farm. and because i have a very 'i-can-take-care-of-myself' attitude. i have heard that so much this year. i never really realized that i come off that way as much as i apparently do. its true, i dont like asking for or accepting help, and i highly value self-sufficiency. not needing to be protected. but i guess it is that attitude that gives people the idea that i am strong. and oddly enough, it seems the rest of the world knew my strength long before i ever came to realize it. it evaded me for the better part of 18 years, and it was only a few months ago that i realized how strong i am. and im not sure i ever wouldve realized it had i not finally stopped to reflect upon the idea when more than one person told me "you are one of the strongest people i know". when i thought about all the things ive been through. the way i handled them. the way i think about things. and i do see a strength in myself. i even wondered if someone else would have been able to deal with it... but it was then i realized how much a product of my environment i am. my strength is a result of dealing with those things, of learning how i can deal. and in the situations ive been in, i suppose any other person could have learned how to be strong, too. if they wanted to survive, that is.
ok. research paper. i have to stop putting some great prelude to everything i do. i am diving in head first. {wish me luck. all kinds of fucking luck.}
"...ive given all i can
its not enough...
for a minute there, i lost myself
phew, for a minute there, i lost myself..."
i got written up today. for the first and only time in my entire high school career. 3 weeks from graduation with a spotless record, and BAM. for fucks sakes, how can i be penalized for being 3 seconds late on a few occasions? even if i am late, the only person it could potentially hurt is me, and its obviously not as ive never missed anything by walking into class that late. i think the part that really sucks, however, aside from having to spend 45 minutes in detention for the total of 15 seconds ive been late, is that i have spent the entire year making a mad dash every morning to get to first block on time, just barely scraping by with close calls that brought me sneaking in the door during the moment of silenc, and i get written up not for that class... but for my fucking third block class, which i have never worried about. well god damn. as long as my parents find out, then i guess its ok. detention doesnt bother me... but the fuck if it wouldnt make my parents crazy. so this is right up there on the list with that ticket i got. just sweeping the dirt under the proverbial rug.
after school i went to the mall to ask off for the days i need next week.... ok, who am i kidding, i went to stare at chris. X) but after that i spent 2 hours wandering in and out of stores trying on dresses for something to wear to graduation. and of course, every dress i find that i like is strapless, which is strictly & absolutely forbidden. and after all, how can a girl be so audacious as to expose her bare shoulders in public? indeed, some nerve i have. and, in case you werent aware, yes, those pencil-thin "spaghetti straps" do make a monumental difference. but dont worry if you didnt know. until a few days ago, neither did i. fucking bastards. and we have to get white shoes. ?! because after i spend at least $30 dollars on them, ill never wear them again. oh, good! they said no dark shoes because last year they tried that and ended up with dark blue, dark brown, black, dark purple... well.... lets see... what could one say instead? perhaps... i dont know... black?! because the guys will obviously not be wearing white shoes. le grr! but even so, i dont mind as much... it just makes me extra angry when i spend time searching for a dress and i cant find a damn thing. im not sure where else to look. i found this kick ass red dress today... also strapless. bah.
andrew & i went to summerville during our non-second block. i love my pepe =) he needed to have a watched resized so he invited me along (also because he wanted me to buy him cigarettes) and so i accepted the invitation and, as usual, had an awesome time hanging out with him. it took forever at the jeweler, though, so i ended up sitting outside. and after awhile he joined me and we smoked before finally leaving. mostly the drive was nice... save that one little bit of time when he decided to tell me that i remind of a country girl. ((scowls)) i cringed. of course, when he explained it, it wasnt nearly as bad as all the things that came to my mind when i think of someone that way. but still... ick. he said it was because id talked about growing up on my grandparents farm. and because i have a very 'i-can-take-care-of-myself' attitude. i have heard that so much this year. i never really realized that i come off that way as much as i apparently do. its true, i dont like asking for or accepting help, and i highly value self-sufficiency. not needing to be protected. but i guess it is that attitude that gives people the idea that i am strong. and oddly enough, it seems the rest of the world knew my strength long before i ever came to realize it. it evaded me for the better part of 18 years, and it was only a few months ago that i realized how strong i am. and im not sure i ever wouldve realized it had i not finally stopped to reflect upon the idea when more than one person told me "you are one of the strongest people i know". when i thought about all the things ive been through. the way i handled them. the way i think about things. and i do see a strength in myself. i even wondered if someone else would have been able to deal with it... but it was then i realized how much a product of my environment i am. my strength is a result of dealing with those things, of learning how i can deal. and in the situations ive been in, i suppose any other person could have learned how to be strong, too. if they wanted to survive, that is.
ok. research paper. i have to stop putting some great prelude to everything i do. i am diving in head first. {wish me luck. all kinds of fucking luck.}
"...ive given all i can
its not enough...
for a minute there, i lost myself
phew, for a minute there, i lost myself..."