this is the night, this is the sound.
wow... its a good thing i woke up when i did. a few minutes after i came to and decided to brush my soaking wet hair and tidy up my room a bit, brian knocked. i must have slept through his arrival... or the storm drowned it out. the first thing he said when i opened the door was "i like your room". quite confused i surveyed the space behind me and then gave him an odd look. "it's neat and clean and stuff." hmmmmmmmmmm. O_O so then we chatted for a minute, and in my grogginess im not quite sure what i said. something about his hair looking nice. and then he suddenly mentioned a book bag full of beer. i laughed and then he asked if i wanted some, so i stepped into my brothers room with him and he shared with me, which is awesome. so now im sitting & sipping some natty ice, which im told is very nasty, but i find it to be the only beer i can drink contentedly. i offered him some vodka as long as he asks for it sometime before i go back to sleep. the odd thing is, brian has been acting a little different. i think that had he not grown up so close to family, he and i wouldve gotten together. im long past having any infatuation with him, but i, like all the others, had my spell. i was just lucky to be the one on the inside. the one that was close to him all along. but within the past couple months things have been slightly different between us. it seems as if he is trying to make some sort of shift in that direction, but i know better than to go along with that. its like the night he called me looking for a party, which never happens. then he came to hang out with me and tried to take me to the field party at berry at 3am. had andrew not stopped me, i wouldve gone. and the next day he stood in the door of room for a long time telling me about it and how i shouldve come. but whether he has forgotten it or not, brian is too much a brother to me for us to ever get together or for me to even entertain the idea seriously, even if he does seem my type with all those carefully placed tattoos and piercings. and its really a good thing he grew up a part of this family because he & together would have been disastrous. were much too different and he wouldve destroyed me, like all the others, in the end. but he makes a wonderful friend, if not a little too obsessed with stretching the truth. but one thing i will say is that he has been the one more ready to jump to my aid than anyone else. anytime i remotely mentioned someone troubling me, he immediately grew irate and incredibly defensive of me. theres something nice about someone who cares that much.
i was thinking just a little while ago about my friends. i saw the note andrew left on my car yesterday, red pen scribbled on the back of a sonic napkin, left under one windshield wiper. "i hope you have a lovely time. call me if you need me. it doesnt matter what time. <3 Andrew/Pepe" he must have told me that seven thousand times, and the thing is i knew he meant it. he was willing to sneak out of his house in the middle of the night to come find me, even willing to let me sleep at his house or take me somewhere. hes offered these things before. and then theres hannah, who offers to let me stay in her own house even when no one else is there. she just tells me where the spare key is. she offers to drive me around when im drunk. & i realized that they are the only two people i know who would seriously go out on a limb for me. theyve both always offered to be there for me when it really fucking counts, and in ways that other people just dont. im so glad i tell them both i love them at least three times a day. ;D hehehe. oh and my little pepe and his women. poor ladies. im so defensive of my male friends, especially one so close to me as andrew, so of course i make it known that of all the ladies in his life, im the one closest to him. it amuses me to see them looking at me the way they do. its not envy or hate, but more a sense of longing to be where i am. and the funniest part of it is that andrew and i will never date. ever. ah, silly girls. va donc, eh, pochete! ((laughs))
le yawn. i really feel like getting out & about, but thats pretty much impossible. la. the trip to see my grandmother today spurned a talk about college. my grandparents take such good care of me. my grandmother offered to send me money each month, as she did when my uncle when to uga. and i told her ive been thinking more and more about going there. i do love athens so much, and i know its a good school. its just a little intimidating (they all are!). she is so supportive of me. she is calling berry tomorrow to talk to the guy in charge of admissions, see if there is anything they can do since she used to work there. and if i go to southern... i know that she will help me as much as she can. but i wish that southern would stop breathing down my neck about it. and i know that i dont have to know it all right now, but the more i think about it all, the more i realize how unsure i am. i think i know for awhile... and then im just not. something inside me just says "show them. show them all." but ive tried taht. ive tried writing those books... i never finish. journalism. psychology. photography. le sigh. i should just go for basket weaving. good then, its all settled. basket weaving & fife performance it is.
nathan, nathan, nathan. read Left Behind by Florence Percy. then youll have some concept of he & i. i love that poem... and when i read it now, it still makes me cry. "people get hurt, it's not your fault. everything passes. just as good things must pass you by, bad thing must as well. just remember the things that do stick around forever are good. and i'll always be here for you." oh, is it as easy as all that, then? i suppose after you fucked me up when you fucked me over... 3 times... i stopped believing that you would "always be here". you couldnt even care enough to say goodbye or acknowledge that youd practically killed me. 6 months of living & dying by you, of breathing & swearing by your name... and when you destroyed me... i realized i had made the mistake id been trying my whole life to avoid. i had defined myself by you. without you, i forgot what my existence was. and you didnt seem to care that it hurt me. it didnt stop you from doing it again. and again. and again. it didnt stop me from letting you. but i guess this means that you arent to blame? "people get hurt, it's not your fault." mankind must be blameless then. how lucky for you. i guess the thought of that helps you sleep at night. youre the only person ive ever loved that i know i will never cease loving. i only have to ignore it for my health. but god damn i miss those days that were marked by you, and god damn i wish you were here.
yeeeeah.... ya fucker. oh yes... i remember now. i was going to fill in the numerous gaps in my prose journal. ((smiles)) im just glad i actually have things to add now.
i was thinking just a little while ago about my friends. i saw the note andrew left on my car yesterday, red pen scribbled on the back of a sonic napkin, left under one windshield wiper. "i hope you have a lovely time. call me if you need me. it doesnt matter what time. <3 Andrew/Pepe" he must have told me that seven thousand times, and the thing is i knew he meant it. he was willing to sneak out of his house in the middle of the night to come find me, even willing to let me sleep at his house or take me somewhere. hes offered these things before. and then theres hannah, who offers to let me stay in her own house even when no one else is there. she just tells me where the spare key is. she offers to drive me around when im drunk. & i realized that they are the only two people i know who would seriously go out on a limb for me. theyve both always offered to be there for me when it really fucking counts, and in ways that other people just dont. im so glad i tell them both i love them at least three times a day. ;D hehehe. oh and my little pepe and his women. poor ladies. im so defensive of my male friends, especially one so close to me as andrew, so of course i make it known that of all the ladies in his life, im the one closest to him. it amuses me to see them looking at me the way they do. its not envy or hate, but more a sense of longing to be where i am. and the funniest part of it is that andrew and i will never date. ever. ah, silly girls. va donc, eh, pochete! ((laughs))
le yawn. i really feel like getting out & about, but thats pretty much impossible. la. the trip to see my grandmother today spurned a talk about college. my grandparents take such good care of me. my grandmother offered to send me money each month, as she did when my uncle when to uga. and i told her ive been thinking more and more about going there. i do love athens so much, and i know its a good school. its just a little intimidating (they all are!). she is so supportive of me. she is calling berry tomorrow to talk to the guy in charge of admissions, see if there is anything they can do since she used to work there. and if i go to southern... i know that she will help me as much as she can. but i wish that southern would stop breathing down my neck about it. and i know that i dont have to know it all right now, but the more i think about it all, the more i realize how unsure i am. i think i know for awhile... and then im just not. something inside me just says "show them. show them all." but ive tried taht. ive tried writing those books... i never finish. journalism. psychology. photography. le sigh. i should just go for basket weaving. good then, its all settled. basket weaving & fife performance it is.
nathan, nathan, nathan. read Left Behind by Florence Percy. then youll have some concept of he & i. i love that poem... and when i read it now, it still makes me cry. "people get hurt, it's not your fault. everything passes. just as good things must pass you by, bad thing must as well. just remember the things that do stick around forever are good. and i'll always be here for you." oh, is it as easy as all that, then? i suppose after you fucked me up when you fucked me over... 3 times... i stopped believing that you would "always be here". you couldnt even care enough to say goodbye or acknowledge that youd practically killed me. 6 months of living & dying by you, of breathing & swearing by your name... and when you destroyed me... i realized i had made the mistake id been trying my whole life to avoid. i had defined myself by you. without you, i forgot what my existence was. and you didnt seem to care that it hurt me. it didnt stop you from doing it again. and again. and again. it didnt stop me from letting you. but i guess this means that you arent to blame? "people get hurt, it's not your fault." mankind must be blameless then. how lucky for you. i guess the thought of that helps you sleep at night. youre the only person ive ever loved that i know i will never cease loving. i only have to ignore it for my health. but god damn i miss those days that were marked by you, and god damn i wish you were here.
yeeeeah.... ya fucker. oh yes... i remember now. i was going to fill in the numerous gaps in my prose journal. ((smiles)) im just glad i actually have things to add now.