a december black psalm.
so this is my life? im existing in a world where i walk for eight miles before i gain an inch. im existing in a world where if we could only use blood for currency, i could be filthy fucking rich. im existing in a world where the sight of my smile offends an entire nation of people and the sight of my sadness induces disdain. well im broke & im burning, and im so dead fucking tired, but you say ive got no time to rest. but how about what i say? cause i say fuck it, and im going to sleep until this world learns how to work. i say this bed of nails youve given me simply will not do. this is my life? then wake me when its over.
the mornings seem to determine the rest of the day. the project i worked so hard on was basically tossed around like it was nothing. ((shrugs)) even that didnt matter so much as it meant something to me. but then came some discussion about me that lasted much too long. at first my instructor was saying that no one knows me, and that was fine. then everything took some sort of slant and it seemed as though this room full of people was joining in to tear apart my character. i understand that they dont know me. because my mind doesnt function like most peoples. because i have more passion in me than they can understand. they cant comprehend the way i think because they dont even consider the things i do or see them in the same light. ive never tried to hide myself from them. ive never lied about who i am. i just dont talk about my passions because no one fucking understands. the one time i mentioned something, something mild, they all just sort of looked at me and made a joke, though not in anyway degrading or insulting towards me, about what i had said, which only served to verify the idea that they just arent like me and therefore cant grasp who i am. the instructor has had the time to learn, but she obviously doesnt have the mental capacity to embrace something she does not empathize with. anyway, this conversation was not so bad. i was a little taken aback that it was being had, but i didnt think too terribly much about it after a few minutes. it was mostly tonight that ruined me.
i work in a fast food restaurant. is it somehow possible that you people think that is my dream job? to make food for you for money that is barely worth all the shit i have to do to earn that little bit not to mention deal with your bullshit when i work register? quite frankly, im better than that, and this job is the farthest thing from what i want. so let me fucking tell you something... dont think that because you are a customer you have some sort of unalienable right to talk to me however you please, insult me, or act like a complete asshole. i am not your server. i am fucking human being, and one of these days, i am going to snap on one of you ignorant fuckers and quit before they can fire me. fist off, i hate people. i hate working with them. i hate seeing them. i hate the fact that there are people in the world at all. so when you come up to me and i greet you with a fucking smile and i am polite, you had better fucking tell me what is so god damn wrong with that before you decide to throw some attitude at me. i dont want to be there. i dont want to be anywhere near you, and thats for fucking sure, so dont bitch at me. if its that much of a tribulation for you to get off your god damn cell phone long enough to place an order or to try and maintain some sort of civility to someone who is giving their best effort to please you, then i suggest you stay your ass at home and cook for yourself. i dont fucking want you there anymore than you want to be there, so lets not be mistaken about this. dont raise your voice to me when i am the one biting my tongue as i change your order five fucking times because you dont have a god damn clue what youre doing. dont hand me change when you see me opening the register to get change for the money you already handed me without giving any pretense of digging for more. if i dont hear you ordering because you walk up and demand something as im asking through a smile "may i help you?", dont snap at me because i politely say "exuse me?" for you to repeat it. and when i give you your god damn change, you old, fat bitch, dont look at me like im the devil because im giving you 94 cents in change. i dont want to hear you complaining. i dont give a shit that you somehow think it is a great travesty because you "dont need all this change!!!!!" and sure as FUCK dont order me around and tell me what i am GOING to do when i have already rung it up and am trying to hand you money. if getting 94 cents in change is enough to make you blow a fucking gasket, then i suggest you re-examine your god damn priorities and get the fuck off my back. youve probably got 2 years left to live because youre old and eating this shit, so maybe you shouldnt worry about it, or hey, give the money to charity so some starving indonesian child in a sweat shop can afford to eat some stale bread they salvaged from your shit. im so fucking tired of all of you. its fast food. and i HATE people. i KNOW i am in the wrong place, but its all ive got right now. they COULDNT pay me enough to put up with people like you, but I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT. do you really find it necessary to make it that god damn hard? you, whom ive never met or dealt with. i believe you have to earn respect, but unless someone does something personal to me, i try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they might be someone who deserves kindness. is it so hard to do the same?? you have no fucking clue what im going through, or have gone through, or what i go home and deal with, or even how i deal with it, after youve gotten what you ordered and walked all over me for 5 straight hours and gone to suck down a few thousand more calories. im not asking for your sympathy.... im saying dont approach me like i owe you something. you can live the last ten years ive lived and then treat me like shit. you have no fucking idea what its like to live what ive lived... so try, just one fucking time, giving me the benefit of the doubt as being someone who deserves some fucking kindness. you dont have to give me a tip or pretend im mother fucking teresa. im just asking you not to act like a complete asshole. i know its a challenge... but in the course of youre life, im sure youll meet many people much more deserving of your ruthless viciousness than the girl at the counter whos only trying to do her job, and do it so that youll be happy.
and in other news, my father pisses me off and i wish someone would hit him in the face. hes so god damn nosey, reading my mail and asking me all these fucking questions (most of them stupid), he cant remember shit, he never listens, and he NEVER leaves this fucking house for anything and still makes me run errands for him. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS! im doing the best i can for myself right now, and im trying damn hard not to ask my parents for money, but i dont HAVE any money. i know hes in some sort of physical pain... but jesus christ, youve got to get off your ass and start dealing with it instead of being a pussy and sitting in your recliner all day just waiting for it to go away. for fucks sakes, youve got a family thats going under! ive got $44 in my savings account, no checking account, $10 in my pocket that will soon be used to try and have enough gas to last me until next thursday, and ive just found out that because you just gave my step-brother that car, it means that i just lost roughly $300 by paying insurance on it for the past six months when it didnt fucking run! im sorry, but that should either entitle me to ownership of the fucking car, or it should mean that youre giving me back that $300. guess what, dad, that money could be used for me to apply for housing, since thats exactly how much it takes to even apply. and now i may not even GET housing because i STILL dont have $300 to give the motherfuckers and ive waiting so long to apply. ive been trying so fucking hard not to ask for help because i know that they cant help me... but jesus fucking christ, what am i supposed to do?!
my research paper is due in less than two weeks, i feel like fucking tearing myself apart until im fucking lifeless, and im completely alone in this. i just need something, just one fucking thing, to be stable in my life. just one thing that i can hold on to. and theres nothing there. i am so fucking tired of this.
the mornings seem to determine the rest of the day. the project i worked so hard on was basically tossed around like it was nothing. ((shrugs)) even that didnt matter so much as it meant something to me. but then came some discussion about me that lasted much too long. at first my instructor was saying that no one knows me, and that was fine. then everything took some sort of slant and it seemed as though this room full of people was joining in to tear apart my character. i understand that they dont know me. because my mind doesnt function like most peoples. because i have more passion in me than they can understand. they cant comprehend the way i think because they dont even consider the things i do or see them in the same light. ive never tried to hide myself from them. ive never lied about who i am. i just dont talk about my passions because no one fucking understands. the one time i mentioned something, something mild, they all just sort of looked at me and made a joke, though not in anyway degrading or insulting towards me, about what i had said, which only served to verify the idea that they just arent like me and therefore cant grasp who i am. the instructor has had the time to learn, but she obviously doesnt have the mental capacity to embrace something she does not empathize with. anyway, this conversation was not so bad. i was a little taken aback that it was being had, but i didnt think too terribly much about it after a few minutes. it was mostly tonight that ruined me.
i work in a fast food restaurant. is it somehow possible that you people think that is my dream job? to make food for you for money that is barely worth all the shit i have to do to earn that little bit not to mention deal with your bullshit when i work register? quite frankly, im better than that, and this job is the farthest thing from what i want. so let me fucking tell you something... dont think that because you are a customer you have some sort of unalienable right to talk to me however you please, insult me, or act like a complete asshole. i am not your server. i am fucking human being, and one of these days, i am going to snap on one of you ignorant fuckers and quit before they can fire me. fist off, i hate people. i hate working with them. i hate seeing them. i hate the fact that there are people in the world at all. so when you come up to me and i greet you with a fucking smile and i am polite, you had better fucking tell me what is so god damn wrong with that before you decide to throw some attitude at me. i dont want to be there. i dont want to be anywhere near you, and thats for fucking sure, so dont bitch at me. if its that much of a tribulation for you to get off your god damn cell phone long enough to place an order or to try and maintain some sort of civility to someone who is giving their best effort to please you, then i suggest you stay your ass at home and cook for yourself. i dont fucking want you there anymore than you want to be there, so lets not be mistaken about this. dont raise your voice to me when i am the one biting my tongue as i change your order five fucking times because you dont have a god damn clue what youre doing. dont hand me change when you see me opening the register to get change for the money you already handed me without giving any pretense of digging for more. if i dont hear you ordering because you walk up and demand something as im asking through a smile "may i help you?", dont snap at me because i politely say "exuse me?" for you to repeat it. and when i give you your god damn change, you old, fat bitch, dont look at me like im the devil because im giving you 94 cents in change. i dont want to hear you complaining. i dont give a shit that you somehow think it is a great travesty because you "dont need all this change!!!!!" and sure as FUCK dont order me around and tell me what i am GOING to do when i have already rung it up and am trying to hand you money. if getting 94 cents in change is enough to make you blow a fucking gasket, then i suggest you re-examine your god damn priorities and get the fuck off my back. youve probably got 2 years left to live because youre old and eating this shit, so maybe you shouldnt worry about it, or hey, give the money to charity so some starving indonesian child in a sweat shop can afford to eat some stale bread they salvaged from your shit. im so fucking tired of all of you. its fast food. and i HATE people. i KNOW i am in the wrong place, but its all ive got right now. they COULDNT pay me enough to put up with people like you, but I AM TRYING TO MAKE THE BEST OF IT. do you really find it necessary to make it that god damn hard? you, whom ive never met or dealt with. i believe you have to earn respect, but unless someone does something personal to me, i try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they might be someone who deserves kindness. is it so hard to do the same?? you have no fucking clue what im going through, or have gone through, or what i go home and deal with, or even how i deal with it, after youve gotten what you ordered and walked all over me for 5 straight hours and gone to suck down a few thousand more calories. im not asking for your sympathy.... im saying dont approach me like i owe you something. you can live the last ten years ive lived and then treat me like shit. you have no fucking idea what its like to live what ive lived... so try, just one fucking time, giving me the benefit of the doubt as being someone who deserves some fucking kindness. you dont have to give me a tip or pretend im mother fucking teresa. im just asking you not to act like a complete asshole. i know its a challenge... but in the course of youre life, im sure youll meet many people much more deserving of your ruthless viciousness than the girl at the counter whos only trying to do her job, and do it so that youll be happy.
and in other news, my father pisses me off and i wish someone would hit him in the face. hes so god damn nosey, reading my mail and asking me all these fucking questions (most of them stupid), he cant remember shit, he never listens, and he NEVER leaves this fucking house for anything and still makes me run errands for him. GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ASS! im doing the best i can for myself right now, and im trying damn hard not to ask my parents for money, but i dont HAVE any money. i know hes in some sort of physical pain... but jesus christ, youve got to get off your ass and start dealing with it instead of being a pussy and sitting in your recliner all day just waiting for it to go away. for fucks sakes, youve got a family thats going under! ive got $44 in my savings account, no checking account, $10 in my pocket that will soon be used to try and have enough gas to last me until next thursday, and ive just found out that because you just gave my step-brother that car, it means that i just lost roughly $300 by paying insurance on it for the past six months when it didnt fucking run! im sorry, but that should either entitle me to ownership of the fucking car, or it should mean that youre giving me back that $300. guess what, dad, that money could be used for me to apply for housing, since thats exactly how much it takes to even apply. and now i may not even GET housing because i STILL dont have $300 to give the motherfuckers and ive waiting so long to apply. ive been trying so fucking hard not to ask for help because i know that they cant help me... but jesus fucking christ, what am i supposed to do?!
my research paper is due in less than two weeks, i feel like fucking tearing myself apart until im fucking lifeless, and im completely alone in this. i just need something, just one fucking thing, to be stable in my life. just one thing that i can hold on to. and theres nothing there. i am so fucking tired of this.