need you like water in my lungs.
so... i just wrote this really long post and then decided to delete it. i feel much better now that i can see some white in this text box again. basically im wasting even more time before i start on this project that is due tomorrow. in fact, i have wasted so much time that i am now considering by-passing it completely, just sticking with what i already have done, and just accepting the fact that i wasted my time starting all that other work. i dont want to... i really want to finish this. but i also dont think im going to be able to stay awake that long. not to mention having to read the spark notes for invisible man.
i feel stable, mostly, but unsatisfied. i know what i want, in general, but that doesnt make it easier to find or attain. i just want something casual and comfortable, without all that excess flirting. thoughtful conversations a yes. lots of mellow hanging out time. just... comfortable. i cant seem to figure out if perhaps i am only trying to create another nathan. my memory of those days is somehow contorted now. i dont want it to be, though. i want to remember everything clearly. because yes, it hurt more than anything else ever has in the span of my life, but looking back, even in the midst of all those years of depression, i was the happiest when i was with him. he is the cloud that forbids me to recognize happiness in anything before or thereafter. i just cant see around it, and even that i cannot see clearly. i miss the things we used to do and the sort of conversations we could always have. i guess i shouldnt bother, though. becuase obviously he doesnt miss me at all. no matter what he said. i remember staying up until 3am one night. i burned two cds for him. songs i knew he would like. songs that made me think of him. and then i went through every magazine ive ever owned and searched for anything remotely connected to him... bands he liked, things wed talked about... then i made a track listing. it may sound pathetic, but that gift was more from my heart than anything ive ever given to anyone. i remember my disappointment when he seemed so unenthused. of course, that sort of thing characterized our entire friendship. and when he skipped town for texas without saying goodbye and crushed me all over again, i remember asking him sometime thereafter if he had taken it with him. "no." and a few days ago he told me he was listening to it. he said he still loved it. he said it had always meant a lot to him. if he had told me that before, it might have meant something. now all the things i feel for him are preserved in the past but completely detached from the present. anything hes said to me within the past few months mean nothing. i love the memory of him, but thats the only part of him that is safe for me to indulge in. in itself, that is still a little hard to accept. i know him well, but that doesnt mean i understand it all.
its nearly 1am. my parents are arguing. my brother is apparently throwing up. its a good thing im not trying to sleep.
i feel stable, mostly, but unsatisfied. i know what i want, in general, but that doesnt make it easier to find or attain. i just want something casual and comfortable, without all that excess flirting. thoughtful conversations a yes. lots of mellow hanging out time. just... comfortable. i cant seem to figure out if perhaps i am only trying to create another nathan. my memory of those days is somehow contorted now. i dont want it to be, though. i want to remember everything clearly. because yes, it hurt more than anything else ever has in the span of my life, but looking back, even in the midst of all those years of depression, i was the happiest when i was with him. he is the cloud that forbids me to recognize happiness in anything before or thereafter. i just cant see around it, and even that i cannot see clearly. i miss the things we used to do and the sort of conversations we could always have. i guess i shouldnt bother, though. becuase obviously he doesnt miss me at all. no matter what he said. i remember staying up until 3am one night. i burned two cds for him. songs i knew he would like. songs that made me think of him. and then i went through every magazine ive ever owned and searched for anything remotely connected to him... bands he liked, things wed talked about... then i made a track listing. it may sound pathetic, but that gift was more from my heart than anything ive ever given to anyone. i remember my disappointment when he seemed so unenthused. of course, that sort of thing characterized our entire friendship. and when he skipped town for texas without saying goodbye and crushed me all over again, i remember asking him sometime thereafter if he had taken it with him. "no." and a few days ago he told me he was listening to it. he said he still loved it. he said it had always meant a lot to him. if he had told me that before, it might have meant something. now all the things i feel for him are preserved in the past but completely detached from the present. anything hes said to me within the past few months mean nothing. i love the memory of him, but thats the only part of him that is safe for me to indulge in. in itself, that is still a little hard to accept. i know him well, but that doesnt mean i understand it all.
its nearly 1am. my parents are arguing. my brother is apparently throwing up. its a good thing im not trying to sleep.