The Perks Of Being A Wallflower.
two weeks and one day. thats how long its been since i last heard from/talked to my "boyfriend". thats the longest i wait on anyone if i havent heard from them (unless i know theyre going to be in absentia prior to said absence). its sad to think that what i must do now is just take the obvious hint and let it go. ((shakes head)) i tried as hard as i could to make him realize, since three years ago, that i loved him and how much. instead i accomplished the adverse and in effect lost one of my closest friends. that was what i feared, and with good reason, from the start. he wont even speak to me, and i dont have the slightest clue why. he didnt even break up with me, hes just left it for me to assume. and again, nathan and i resume not speaking. and yet again, i lose this best friend.
honestly, i give up on love. i dont necessarily need it, im just extremely tired of it screwing me over when i give as much of myself as i can to these people and dont ask much in return. i know that sounds self-righteous, but i really am a damn good girlfriend. i wont cheat on anyone. i wont be with someone i dont genuinely want to be with. i wont lie to them. im not demanding, im not very jealous (anymore), im thoughtful, giving, compassionate... and those are the qualities that put in you unsuccessful relationships.
so fuck love, man. i know that sounds so inexperienced for a 19 year old, and ill probably change my mind about it later on, but for now im just so disgusted by it because it doesnt seem like a person like me has much hope for fulfillment. unless youre willing to screw someone else over or be a complete prick, long-term relationships just arent for you. so im better off just having non-committal fuck sessions and leaving my fucking heart out of it.
i just didnt want things to be like this with us. i think, honestly, that the issue was not with me. i think its with him. i think its like stephen chbosky said in perks- "We accept the love we think we deserve." hes been lied to and hurt and hes done the same to other people, and his self-confidence hasnt been the greatest, and yet somehow has. i think the doubt he has is doubt he would have with anyone, but it is mostly doubt he has in what someone else is loving in him. i know, though, that at least for some sum of minutes, maybe even hours, in the four years ive known him, hes believed, truly believed, that i really cared about him. that means something to me. im glad he believed in it at least for a little while. i just wish there was some way to have kept him from disbelieving.
today was "Megan Day" in creative writing. it was amazing. i would like to say more, but im exhausted. basically, it was one of the most touching moments of my life, and i feel really grateful. i wrote about it in my deadjournal in more detail, and quite frankly i just dont feel like rehashing all of it currently. ive now made myself so upset over nathan that all i really want to do is cry a little and go to sleep.
((sighs)) fuck love, man. who fucking needs it. i know love has sure as hell fucked me. if i ever run into love in a dark alley somewhere, im gonna cut that fucker good.
honestly, i give up on love. i dont necessarily need it, im just extremely tired of it screwing me over when i give as much of myself as i can to these people and dont ask much in return. i know that sounds self-righteous, but i really am a damn good girlfriend. i wont cheat on anyone. i wont be with someone i dont genuinely want to be with. i wont lie to them. im not demanding, im not very jealous (anymore), im thoughtful, giving, compassionate... and those are the qualities that put in you unsuccessful relationships.
so fuck love, man. i know that sounds so inexperienced for a 19 year old, and ill probably change my mind about it later on, but for now im just so disgusted by it because it doesnt seem like a person like me has much hope for fulfillment. unless youre willing to screw someone else over or be a complete prick, long-term relationships just arent for you. so im better off just having non-committal fuck sessions and leaving my fucking heart out of it.
i just didnt want things to be like this with us. i think, honestly, that the issue was not with me. i think its with him. i think its like stephen chbosky said in perks- "We accept the love we think we deserve." hes been lied to and hurt and hes done the same to other people, and his self-confidence hasnt been the greatest, and yet somehow has. i think the doubt he has is doubt he would have with anyone, but it is mostly doubt he has in what someone else is loving in him. i know, though, that at least for some sum of minutes, maybe even hours, in the four years ive known him, hes believed, truly believed, that i really cared about him. that means something to me. im glad he believed in it at least for a little while. i just wish there was some way to have kept him from disbelieving.
today was "Megan Day" in creative writing. it was amazing. i would like to say more, but im exhausted. basically, it was one of the most touching moments of my life, and i feel really grateful. i wrote about it in my deadjournal in more detail, and quite frankly i just dont feel like rehashing all of it currently. ive now made myself so upset over nathan that all i really want to do is cry a little and go to sleep.
((sighs)) fuck love, man. who fucking needs it. i know love has sure as hell fucked me. if i ever run into love in a dark alley somewhere, im gonna cut that fucker good.