ARROW FIC: THE RUMINATIONS OF AN IDLE BODY
Title: The Ruminations of an Idle Body
Author: x-erikah-x
Fandom: Arrow
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, character study
Character: Oliver Queen
Word count: 675
Disclamer: Arrow and its characters belong to the CW and DC.
Summary: The mind goes to places when the body is idle.
Author's Note: Thanks black_raven135 for the quick beta!
THE RUMINATIONS OF AN IDLE BODY
;by ErikaHK
Oliver had never been an introspective kind of person. He was a man of action; he never stopped to think about anything in his life, not even once.
That was why he'd made so many bad decisions in his life. If he felt like it, he did it. He had screwed things up so badly with people in his past because of that recklessness.
And then suddenly he had found himself trapped in that island with nothing to do but look at himself and think. That had been the worst part of the experience. Not the fear. Not the loneliness. Not the hunger, the running away or the torture in the many times he'd been caught. It had been all the times when he'd had nothing but his own thoughts. They were always the worst kind of torture.
Every time he'd gotten a break from running he would hide. And then after licking his wounds, shaking with cold, freaking wet and hungry, all he could do was to think. There had been nothing else. No games. No cars. No loud music, drinks or pleasure pills. Just him and his own mind.
Just nightmares.
His father would come to him and beg him to right his wrongs. He would scream in his ear until Oliver woke up whispering apologies because he didn't know how to do that. When it wasn't his father then it would be Sarah. She showed up at night and made him wake up and whisper more apologies. Laurel appeared too. Broken-hearted, angry, grieving and mad, all at once. And more apologies were whispered.
Dad.
Sarah.
Laurel.
Thea.
Mom.
There would be ghosts, too. Ghosts of the dead people from the island.
And no matter how many times he would go over the scenario, knowing it was either kill or be killed, it had never made him feel any better. In the end, it didn't matter; he shouldn't have been in that boat in the first place. He had screwed up in a big way with everybody who had ever crossed paths with him, without even thinking twice.
And the list of names only grew bigger.
And now he was back. He was stronger, faster and hopefully wiser. And he still had to drive everyone away. He kept on with the old playboy Oliver Queen act. He pretended he didn't care every single time he drove by the Glades to go to his hideout. He would be rude with Laurel, be a jerk around Tommy, isolate himself from his family and show everybody that playboy smile that was now so mechanical.
A smile shouldn't hurt. In fact, it didn't. Not to them anyway.
It hurt him.
But he had learned one thing on the island. Once he had started working out, he could focus his mind on one goal and stop thinking. He could concentrate on his mission, on how he needed to be fit in order to survive and not be alone with his own feelings. If he worked hard enough for long enough he could fool himself with a sense of accomplishment and forget the pain. Feeling tired, too exhausted to even think had been a gift he had discovered. And even though he wasn't on the island anymore he would still cling to it. Because he not only still had feelings to hide from himself, he also had a whole boatload of memories to go along.
The Hood wasn't just to fulfill his promise to his father. He could have done that any other way. He could have gone down the Wayne route and given money away to a foundation to help the people his family had hurt. Truth was that he needed the Hood just as much as the city needed. He had to be out there doing something, seeing it, feeling it, working out until he was too beaten up and exhausted to have nightmares.
Because if he stopped and found himself alone with himself again, he would start thinking. And then he would certainly lose his mind.
End
Or on AO3.
Author: x-erikah-x
Fandom: Arrow
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, character study
Character: Oliver Queen
Word count: 675
Disclamer: Arrow and its characters belong to the CW and DC.
Summary: The mind goes to places when the body is idle.
Author's Note: Thanks black_raven135 for the quick beta!
THE RUMINATIONS OF AN IDLE BODY
;by ErikaHK
Oliver had never been an introspective kind of person. He was a man of action; he never stopped to think about anything in his life, not even once.
That was why he'd made so many bad decisions in his life. If he felt like it, he did it. He had screwed things up so badly with people in his past because of that recklessness.
And then suddenly he had found himself trapped in that island with nothing to do but look at himself and think. That had been the worst part of the experience. Not the fear. Not the loneliness. Not the hunger, the running away or the torture in the many times he'd been caught. It had been all the times when he'd had nothing but his own thoughts. They were always the worst kind of torture.
Every time he'd gotten a break from running he would hide. And then after licking his wounds, shaking with cold, freaking wet and hungry, all he could do was to think. There had been nothing else. No games. No cars. No loud music, drinks or pleasure pills. Just him and his own mind.
Just nightmares.
His father would come to him and beg him to right his wrongs. He would scream in his ear until Oliver woke up whispering apologies because he didn't know how to do that. When it wasn't his father then it would be Sarah. She showed up at night and made him wake up and whisper more apologies. Laurel appeared too. Broken-hearted, angry, grieving and mad, all at once. And more apologies were whispered.
Dad.
Sarah.
Laurel.
Thea.
Mom.
There would be ghosts, too. Ghosts of the dead people from the island.
And no matter how many times he would go over the scenario, knowing it was either kill or be killed, it had never made him feel any better. In the end, it didn't matter; he shouldn't have been in that boat in the first place. He had screwed up in a big way with everybody who had ever crossed paths with him, without even thinking twice.
And the list of names only grew bigger.
And now he was back. He was stronger, faster and hopefully wiser. And he still had to drive everyone away. He kept on with the old playboy Oliver Queen act. He pretended he didn't care every single time he drove by the Glades to go to his hideout. He would be rude with Laurel, be a jerk around Tommy, isolate himself from his family and show everybody that playboy smile that was now so mechanical.
A smile shouldn't hurt. In fact, it didn't. Not to them anyway.
It hurt him.
But he had learned one thing on the island. Once he had started working out, he could focus his mind on one goal and stop thinking. He could concentrate on his mission, on how he needed to be fit in order to survive and not be alone with his own feelings. If he worked hard enough for long enough he could fool himself with a sense of accomplishment and forget the pain. Feeling tired, too exhausted to even think had been a gift he had discovered. And even though he wasn't on the island anymore he would still cling to it. Because he not only still had feelings to hide from himself, he also had a whole boatload of memories to go along.
The Hood wasn't just to fulfill his promise to his father. He could have done that any other way. He could have gone down the Wayne route and given money away to a foundation to help the people his family had hurt. Truth was that he needed the Hood just as much as the city needed. He had to be out there doing something, seeing it, feeling it, working out until he was too beaten up and exhausted to have nightmares.
Because if he stopped and found himself alone with himself again, he would start thinking. And then he would certainly lose his mind.
End
Or on AO3.