It doesn't it doesn't....it doesn't stop
UGH. Thats a big fuckin UGH for those of you who didn't catch that.
Deja Vu.....
Stress, irritation, sleep deprivation, being lonesome, upset....
Kailen finally made his decision, didn't say a word, packed his gear up at the end of practice, said his awkward goodbyes and drove off.
I guess that's better than the previous guitarist disaster of "Fuck off."
but you know....it rings a certain familiarity.
What the hell am I doing? I ask myself this quite often these days. People ask me where I want to work when I get done with school, I shrug. . .Not here, PLEASE not here. Someplace closer... Do I want to do this for the rest of my natural life? No, I want to make music. I want to make MUSIC.
I've been awful discouraged lately, with an onset of writer's block, watery eyes, and the lingering tension between everyone. But I guess that snapped, I haven't yet though.
I've been avoiding taking time to process what goes on around me. My irritation with my class, with my surroundings, with the sunshine theatre, with my inability to completely disconnect myself from the past. My dreams won't let me, when I sleep, I see things in delay. I want them out of my mind, as well as sight, I've done my best on that end. I'm trying so hard.
Tonight was slightly trying, I've been having issues with my self image, it's been an ugly month, I'm looking in the mirror and wanting to change clothes over and over, to calorie count and all that bullshit....I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to change clothes, I don't need to take off all my make up and put it back on. I don't need any of this.....
Another night trying to find some sort of outside contact. Another night failed. I can't bring myself to lead Shaun on, so I didn't go hang out, I didn't need a repeat of anything so I declined all invites, I probably got Nolan in trouble at work when I stopped to say hi while I ran back to my car.
I almost went off today. It was bad, I held it in. But tomorrow, for the love, don't make me feel so shitty, don't make me listen to country, don't make me smile when I'm not happy, don't let me respond to anything.
Just keep me away...
Deja Vu.....
Stress, irritation, sleep deprivation, being lonesome, upset....
Kailen finally made his decision, didn't say a word, packed his gear up at the end of practice, said his awkward goodbyes and drove off.
I guess that's better than the previous guitarist disaster of "Fuck off."
but you know....it rings a certain familiarity.
What the hell am I doing? I ask myself this quite often these days. People ask me where I want to work when I get done with school, I shrug. . .Not here, PLEASE not here. Someplace closer... Do I want to do this for the rest of my natural life? No, I want to make music. I want to make MUSIC.
I've been awful discouraged lately, with an onset of writer's block, watery eyes, and the lingering tension between everyone. But I guess that snapped, I haven't yet though.
I've been avoiding taking time to process what goes on around me. My irritation with my class, with my surroundings, with the sunshine theatre, with my inability to completely disconnect myself from the past. My dreams won't let me, when I sleep, I see things in delay. I want them out of my mind, as well as sight, I've done my best on that end. I'm trying so hard.
Tonight was slightly trying, I've been having issues with my self image, it's been an ugly month, I'm looking in the mirror and wanting to change clothes over and over, to calorie count and all that bullshit....I don't need to lose weight, I don't need to change clothes, I don't need to take off all my make up and put it back on. I don't need any of this.....
Another night trying to find some sort of outside contact. Another night failed. I can't bring myself to lead Shaun on, so I didn't go hang out, I didn't need a repeat of anything so I declined all invites, I probably got Nolan in trouble at work when I stopped to say hi while I ran back to my car.
I almost went off today. It was bad, I held it in. But tomorrow, for the love, don't make me feel so shitty, don't make me listen to country, don't make me smile when I'm not happy, don't let me respond to anything.
Just keep me away...