screaming hallelujah
okay, so while yesterday was beyond bomb...
I'm trying really hard to keep together right now. I'm in a few states of shock.
Finding out that noone told you when someone you had known died of an overdose over a month ago.
Watching yourself fall into that lonesome place again.
Watching your 2 best friends drift closer to the east coast than you've ever been.
Shit...Evan, please don't leave me here. I don't think you understand what a huge impact you've had on my life since last summer. It's been less than a year, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what you're up to, where you've been, if you think about me too. I've probably written more songs about you than Blue eyes and Aaron combined. And when it comes down to it I count you as one of my 3 only real friends in this town. (the other 2 being Matt and Katy) neither of which have let me sleep in their bed for extended periods of time. I was so happy thinking you'd decided to stay, but I should know better.
fuck fuck fuck, and now I'm crying and mascara burns my eyes. I've had time to process that Katy is leaving. I've had my emotional break downs, but I've dealt with it, and come to accept it and be happy for her. I'll make it one day, and the east coast will be one of my many homes, and we can laugh together about all of these years in albuquerque and EDB will be a huge indie label. But I've had time to figure all this out in my heart and mind.
And this is a little too much right now.
Big test tomorrow, bright and early and I'm already feeling like a slacker. Weak, and pessimistic, and craving to learn something new.
Wondering how long it will take me to not feel alone again, and just accept this next year. move on with it, and find what I've been looking for by the time I'm 32 hopefully. But now, now I find myself hating everybit of involvement I've begun in the past month. Crushes, and crutches and thinking that old things brought back to life will somehow play out differently, THEY WON'T. Nothing has changed, not even me. And I'm feeling so desperate to not sleep alone at least one night this week, god knows where that will lead me. To regret, I'm almost positive.
It's a promise to myself even. By the end of the weekend I'll have a smidgen less self respect than the week before. And take some time to regain it with insomnia, and lack of apetite. I love me when I look skinny, and feel sick, who doesn't right? Ugh.
Tonight didn't help any. I didn't want to go to any show, I wanted to curl up with someone who seemed familiar. but I went, and saw a few bands I wasn't really impressed by, enjoyed the Blackout Pact as much as I could, but I hate the way boys stare at me now, I look pretty at shows, stop gawking, last time you were here I was crying in the bathroom and you were attached to Shelly at the mouth, or have you forgotten? We talked last time too, but I was wearing more clothing, so close that gaping jaw.
I'm sick of this feeling. I don't want to get so upset, but here I go.... here I go.
"Let's begin, begin again...this story's pages are beginning to wear."
I'm trying really hard to keep together right now. I'm in a few states of shock.
Finding out that noone told you when someone you had known died of an overdose over a month ago.
Watching yourself fall into that lonesome place again.
Watching your 2 best friends drift closer to the east coast than you've ever been.
Shit...Evan, please don't leave me here. I don't think you understand what a huge impact you've had on my life since last summer. It's been less than a year, but there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wonder what you're up to, where you've been, if you think about me too. I've probably written more songs about you than Blue eyes and Aaron combined. And when it comes down to it I count you as one of my 3 only real friends in this town. (the other 2 being Matt and Katy) neither of which have let me sleep in their bed for extended periods of time. I was so happy thinking you'd decided to stay, but I should know better.
fuck fuck fuck, and now I'm crying and mascara burns my eyes. I've had time to process that Katy is leaving. I've had my emotional break downs, but I've dealt with it, and come to accept it and be happy for her. I'll make it one day, and the east coast will be one of my many homes, and we can laugh together about all of these years in albuquerque and EDB will be a huge indie label. But I've had time to figure all this out in my heart and mind.
And this is a little too much right now.
Big test tomorrow, bright and early and I'm already feeling like a slacker. Weak, and pessimistic, and craving to learn something new.
Wondering how long it will take me to not feel alone again, and just accept this next year. move on with it, and find what I've been looking for by the time I'm 32 hopefully. But now, now I find myself hating everybit of involvement I've begun in the past month. Crushes, and crutches and thinking that old things brought back to life will somehow play out differently, THEY WON'T. Nothing has changed, not even me. And I'm feeling so desperate to not sleep alone at least one night this week, god knows where that will lead me. To regret, I'm almost positive.
It's a promise to myself even. By the end of the weekend I'll have a smidgen less self respect than the week before. And take some time to regain it with insomnia, and lack of apetite. I love me when I look skinny, and feel sick, who doesn't right? Ugh.
Tonight didn't help any. I didn't want to go to any show, I wanted to curl up with someone who seemed familiar. but I went, and saw a few bands I wasn't really impressed by, enjoyed the Blackout Pact as much as I could, but I hate the way boys stare at me now, I look pretty at shows, stop gawking, last time you were here I was crying in the bathroom and you were attached to Shelly at the mouth, or have you forgotten? We talked last time too, but I was wearing more clothing, so close that gaping jaw.
I'm sick of this feeling. I don't want to get so upset, but here I go.... here I go.
"Let's begin, begin again...this story's pages are beginning to wear."