(no subject)
FUCK. it just erased EVERYTHING.
i woke up in sobs and convulsions... not breathing today... it stayed like that for two hours... and i called bo. i had a panic attack most of the night before. the heat and wave starts in my stomach and attacks my chest and head. it envelopes me and my being. i can't make it stop no matter what i do. last night bo talked ot me when he got home. it only made it worse i think- to know that all i needed was him and he was the last thing i was going to have. i wish he could be there more-- andthat thought pretty much lead to me thinking abot a lot of things which lead to the anxiety i have still. me not being able to work cause of this fucking anxiety... not able to pay bills... school isnt gonna happen prolly this fall... andthat puts my life behind and makes its slow. which means ill be alone at night even longer. theres a buncha smaller things.. like my uncle-rucca leaving-me not having much at all in means of possesions-not entertainment at my house... ust theres so much that attacks me every second. i wish this wave would go away and stop crashing to my chest. i want to stop worrying. i need a new job but until then i know i have one...and i know all this other shit and i know i need to take it day by day but that doesnt make the anxiety and panic go away. i hate this... i wish i hadnt gotten better.
i want to take a a bit to thank rucca-ian-and bo for EVERYTHING. i love you guys more than you ever could imagine. you man the world to me individually. you all inspire and affect me in different ways. i never knew i could love so much. just- wihtout you guys id be lost.
and i hate the fact i took him away from you guys last night-- but i dont know i cant help it. i know where i want this to go but im scared itll end because im crazy. everything is all rushing back to me. the bi polar...the mood swings... the poorimpulse control... the hate... the sadness... the rage... the jealousy... the anxiety... the panic.... the delusions... the words.... the visions... i hate it. i dont want to go back to that. but i dont want to hurt those i care about. i dont want to scare him away. he means every thing to me... and he holds my future in himself. hell never fully understand what we have... i dont think. i freak out when i think about us and the time this is going to take. i wish you understood how much it affects me. i have to deal with this time apart to spend years with you but at times its morethan i can bare... but im going to try and not give up on us.
i want the waves to stop... theyre coming back again and i dont know what to do... its all so scary. i hate freaking out. especially when i have no real reason to and i know that but at the sametime i cant help it. just please... love me unconditionally and show me you care with everday you have with me. that goes for all of you. you never know when you can lose someone...
jitterbug perfume is a good time... its all i have at home... no cable... no video games... no wow... no hobbies... nothing. i hate it. i hatethe fact rucca has to sit there with me and deal with it.
i.hate.life.and.myself.
make it better.
i woke up in sobs and convulsions... not breathing today... it stayed like that for two hours... and i called bo. i had a panic attack most of the night before. the heat and wave starts in my stomach and attacks my chest and head. it envelopes me and my being. i can't make it stop no matter what i do. last night bo talked ot me when he got home. it only made it worse i think- to know that all i needed was him and he was the last thing i was going to have. i wish he could be there more-- andthat thought pretty much lead to me thinking abot a lot of things which lead to the anxiety i have still. me not being able to work cause of this fucking anxiety... not able to pay bills... school isnt gonna happen prolly this fall... andthat puts my life behind and makes its slow. which means ill be alone at night even longer. theres a buncha smaller things.. like my uncle-rucca leaving-me not having much at all in means of possesions-not entertainment at my house... ust theres so much that attacks me every second. i wish this wave would go away and stop crashing to my chest. i want to stop worrying. i need a new job but until then i know i have one...and i know all this other shit and i know i need to take it day by day but that doesnt make the anxiety and panic go away. i hate this... i wish i hadnt gotten better.
i want to take a a bit to thank rucca-ian-and bo for EVERYTHING. i love you guys more than you ever could imagine. you man the world to me individually. you all inspire and affect me in different ways. i never knew i could love so much. just- wihtout you guys id be lost.
and i hate the fact i took him away from you guys last night-- but i dont know i cant help it. i know where i want this to go but im scared itll end because im crazy. everything is all rushing back to me. the bi polar...the mood swings... the poorimpulse control... the hate... the sadness... the rage... the jealousy... the anxiety... the panic.... the delusions... the words.... the visions... i hate it. i dont want to go back to that. but i dont want to hurt those i care about. i dont want to scare him away. he means every thing to me... and he holds my future in himself. hell never fully understand what we have... i dont think. i freak out when i think about us and the time this is going to take. i wish you understood how much it affects me. i have to deal with this time apart to spend years with you but at times its morethan i can bare... but im going to try and not give up on us.
i want the waves to stop... theyre coming back again and i dont know what to do... its all so scary. i hate freaking out. especially when i have no real reason to and i know that but at the sametime i cant help it. just please... love me unconditionally and show me you care with everday you have with me. that goes for all of you. you never know when you can lose someone...
jitterbug perfume is a good time... its all i have at home... no cable... no video games... no wow... no hobbies... nothing. i hate it. i hatethe fact rucca has to sit there with me and deal with it.
i.hate.life.and.myself.
make it better.